


The Crow's Call

by Black_Rabbit



Series: From Me to You [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Happy Ending maybe, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Mentions of other Volleyball relationships, Original Character(s), Reunions, Sadness, Self-Harm, Trauma, mention of rape, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:31:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 74,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7718488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Black_Rabbit/pseuds/Black_Rabbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suga and Daichi parted on difficult terms upon graduating. The pain and guilt of ruining their friendship due to his own feelings has left Suga a shell of who he used to be. Afraid of rejection from friends and family, Suga chooses to repress his feelings and remain a tightly closed closet-case as he enters college.  <br/>But a single night of bad decisions turns his life upside down. A seductive stranger becomes the monster that will haunt Suga's dreams and cause him to spiral even further into depression.</p><p>Luckily for Suga, someone else was there to help him pick up the pieces of his shattered life. </p><p> </p><p>Now, years later after not speaking to one another, Daichi and Suga are reunited when the whole team decides to get together in their hometown to reminisce the past. All are surprised to see the previous Vice-Captain in such a terrible state, and even more surprised at the sight of an engagement ring on Sawamura Daichi's finger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Distance Established

Before he’d realized or been able to do something about it, the distance between them had grown to a point beyond repair. The emotional wounds, inflicted over the course of a number of  _ years _ , had run deep. Every touch and glance, no matter how brief or friendly, had left him with an excruciating sharp burning sensation.  _ Everything  _ had _ hurt. _ He’d come to the foolish conclusion that the only way to avoid all the pain had been to close himself off entirely. But in doing so, the awkward wedge between them had only widened exponentially. His rash decision had done nothing but make matters worse.

 

Wasn’t he the one who normally thought things through?

 

Denying his own feelings, stuffing them back down his throat while he laughed and joked, none of it had helped the way he’d expected doing so would. The lies had become difficult to maintain with a straight face over time. It really hadn’t taken all that long for the paranoia to settle in, each day had become a race to stay on top. To keep the truth hidden from the world.  

But, he could never quite reach the top.

With sudden change in his demeanor, he’d only managed to draw more suspicion to himself as friends and family tried getting a sense of his state of mind. It had been an easy lie to blame it on stress at first. 

 

His best friend had been the first to notice the change, so it hadn’t been all that surprising when he’d been the first to attempt to get the truth out in order to better understand the situation. Their relationship hadn’t de-escalated gradually with a slow burn, it had been like turning off a light-switch before going to bed. An Instant disconnection. One day they had been closer than ever. The next, the whole world had turned upside down and they’d drifted a whole world apart.  

The silver-haired teen hadn’t allowed anyone to analyse or decipher the meaning behind his actions. Avoiding the truth had been the ultimate goal. So, he kept dancing and pretending around his friends just so didn’t have to face reality. 

 

The fights, of course, had come without surprise. He’d expected the anger and outrage from his best friend almost right away as soon as he’d broken off communication. They’d gone from seeing and talking to each other every single day, to silence and occasional outbursts of frustration. The fights had always remained emotional and loud, never physical. Neither of them had had it in them to hurt the other with their own hands. Not when they  _ needed  _ them to play the sport that had brought them together in the first place. 

Eventually, as the year had drawn to a close, his best friend had grown tired of the confrontation. He’d given up and had come to terms with whatever had happened between them, never truly understanding if it had been him who’d done something to hurt the silver-haired teen. They’d exchanged very few words in the last couple of months before graduation.

 

_ “This is it, huh?” Daichi peered over his shoulder, eyes cold as he took in the sight of Suga behind him. He then turned back to face forward and the silver-haired boy’s heart clenched as the other released a long sigh.  _

_ “Daichi-san, I…” A solid few minutes passed in which Suga stood completely frozen staring at his friend. Once more, he didn’t seem to know what to say. After months of silence it no longer seemed like the ideal time to confess and the closeness they had once shared was but a memory. _

_ The captain’s shoulders seemingly sagged a little, as if the weight of their arguments was finally hitting him and he turned to face Suga with the saddest of looks. Or had it the formality in Suga’s voice that made him look so sad? In that moment there was nothing to say that wouldn’t hurt them more than they had already hurt each other. Suga’s expression twisted and he found it quite difficult to breathe properly as Daichi approached. _

_ It was over. _

_ “Good luck,” Daichi frowned, he extended his hand to shake Suga’s, “with everything.” _

_ “You too.” He took the outstretched hand awkwardly, shaking. “Dai…” _

_ “Just stop.” The captain released an exhausted breath and covered his face with a hand. “I don’t want this to be another argument. We don’t need to make this last moment more unpleasant than it already is.” _

_And so Suga hadn’t said anything more as his teammates had come flooding to flock around them, congratulating the third years for their graduation. There were tears followed by cheers but the silver-haired boy found his smiles particularly hard to force when the first years shoved Daichi and him together to take a photo._ _It didn’t go unnoticed that neither of them smiled. But no one said anything._

_ They’d parted ways after that. Daichi never called or texted and neither did Suga. _

 

Having been accepted into one of the top universities in another prefecture, much to the joy of his parents, the vice-captain had left his hometown with many regrets and sorrows. After all, he’d diverted from the path he and his best friend had set out for the both of them. He’d broken their promise of sticking together through university. He’d broken  _ everything  _ that had held them together and made them friends in the first place. 

 

Being in a new environment and attending classes did little to distract him from his thoughts, although he’d hoped. Sitting in a room filled with other people only made him feel more isolated. More alone and separated from the rest of the world. He knew no one, and no one knew him. Wouldn’t that normally be a good thing? He’d asked himself this over and over, knowing it would have been an opportunity to begin anew and make friends. But as the first semester carried over into the second, with seasons going by, he remained as far away from people as possible. It was easier that way.

 

He wandered the hallways like a ghost, lingering long enough for class before slipping away, back to his too-small apartment to waste another night away. There were times he dropped into the library or a nearby cafe for a change of scenery. Of course, he’d become completely unnoticeable by then. No matter how many times he saw or passed the same person on campus, he’d become just another face in a large crowd. 

 

A nobody.

But, he’d done it to himself...no?

 

There were days where he would walk by the gymnasium, just to catch a glimpse of the volleyball team practices. It was something familiar in an entirely foreign environment. He’d watch, mesmerized by their strength and skill, wondering if he would have ever been able to match them. Play alongside them. The way they seemed to take off, meeting the ball in the air or diving to keep it from touching the ground, they always seemed to be on an entirely other level compared to Karasuno. 

He never stayed long. When he’d catch the eye of a player or two, he’d suddenly feel a sense of shame wash over him. After a few weeks, after them spotting him numerous times, a couple of them had started calling out and walking over to him. Suddenly afraid, a lump would rise in his throat as he tried to think of an excuse to explain why he’d been standing there watching for so long. There was no doubt about how creepy it must have looked. 

 

They’d succeeded in calling out to him once, one of the players inviting him inside the gym to get a better look. Suga had considered walking in. Taking it all in. But as he’d stepped onto the threshold, mere inches from the sparkling floor, he’d lost his resolve. The noises, the squeaking of rubber against polished flooring, the calls… he’d stood frozen in place. 

It had been the last time he’d ever ventured close to the gymnasium. Maybe it would have done him some good to play a sport and distract himself… 

 

Maybe it would have changed how things had turned out. 

 

Maybe he would never have met...

 

“Suga?” 

Suga having been resting his head against the train window, eyes scanning the passing scenery leading back to his hometown, failed to hear the voice at first. He’d spent most of the ride absorbed in his own thoughts and worries. The hammering in his chest accounted for that. Each minute that passed only made him more anxious. Wouldn’t one normally take comfort in the idea of returning to their family and the familiarities home offered?

“You’ve been...quiet.” Suga’s attention flickered to the train seat beside him. Another young man sat there, slanted caramel eyes analyzing him. “You alright?”

“Not really.” The silver-haired man sighed, “tired, I guess.” It was partially true but the lie slipped past his lips with ease.

The other hardly looked convinced as he swapped seats so that he sat directly in front of Suga. He leaned forward, bringing himself closer. There was no lying to him. He had everything figured out when it came to Suga’s mind... he knew exactly when the previous volleyball player lied and seemingly knew the meanings of all his gestures and glances.

But his unyielding kindness made up for his incredibly irritating insight and the silverette couldn’t help but melt into the comfort that was Sugimura Yukina. After all, it was that exact kindness and caring nature that had saved him from himself and the darkness that had plagued his head. 

The other rested his chin on a hand, watching Suga the entire time.

“You won’t admit it, but I know you’re nervous about it. Going back home and seeing everyone.”

Suga averted his gaze quickly, “Yukina… that’s…”

“The truth.” Yukina said simply. His hand soon moved to rest on top of Suga’s, “You have  _ nothing  _ to worry about. We’re visiting for the week and before you know it, we’ll be home and back to our daily routine.” 

What he’d do to turn the train around and go back home. Nothing that Yukina said in those few seconds did anything to reassure the anxious Suga as the next station was announced and the train began to slow down ever so slightly. It was their stop. He glanced to the digital sign, heart pounding against his chest painfully, breath labored. 

Other passengers prepared their things and were already getting ready to stand as his eyes darted all over in an attempt to find a single thing to focus on. Yukina still had his hand over Suga’s, but the movement of his other hand zipping up his backpack caught his eye and made Suga’ stomach flip.

There was absolutely  _ no way  _ he could do this.

“Suga.” Yukina's voice was far. Very far. “We need to get off now.”

His eyes flew up to meet Yukina's, “I can’t.”

Suga still wondered sometimes, where had his old self gone to? The boy who’d been the main support for his team and held them together despite their losses. Who’d watched from the sidelines and prepared all kinds of strategies so that he could see the smiles on their faces when they succeeded… There had been a time when he wouldn’t have allowed all the insecurities he carried with him now to get in the way of things. But whoever that had been seemed like a stranger to him now.

 

“I’m here. I got you.” 

Yukina, somehow, managed to get him to a point where he was walking down the train steps and onto the platform within a few short minutes. To Suga, it felt like his body had been moving on autopilot and that he’d had little to no control over his actions as he watched one foot go in front of the other. It was as though he’d separated from his body but could see everything normally from his perspective. 

There were murmurs behind him when he started coming to, people glancing back at his trembling form, which didn’t help alleviate his anxiety one bit. If Yukina noticed any of it, he didn’t let it show as he continued guiding him along and away from the train towards a nearby bench. He kept them going at a steady pace, even if the silveret wanted to sprint away from all the people watching him.

Suga’s knees practically gave out when he reached the bench, his rear hitting it with incredible force.

 

“Your parents texted you.” Yukina murmured, holding Suga’s phone up to his face, “dinner will be ready for us when we get there.”

Had his phone been ringing? He bobbed his head, “right.”

Caramel eyes suddenly appeared in front of him as Yukina kneeled, concern etched into his expression. The spot between his eyebrows creased, “you don’t even know if  _ he’s  _ here. Or is it your parents that bother you that much? Suga… you need to  _ tell  _ me what’s bothering you.”

 

“It’s everything.” He whispered back, “I don’t know if I’m ready to see them. Anyone. Him especially.” 

As soon as Suga’s gaze fell, gentle hands came to rest over his, “do you want to go back?”

 

There had been many moments where he’d considered turning around, retreating back to the safety of their routine. The life they’d created for themselves in wake of everything that had happened in the last few years. It would be easier to do that. To put everything he knew from his hometown in a faraway place in the back of his mind, ignoring it for the rest of his life… 

 

But he couldn’t do that. Not to his family. Not to the people who’d relied and looked up to him in high school. 

 

So Suga shook his head, “no.”

 

Yukina smiled warmly. “Let’s take it one step at a time. Even if he’s here, it doesn’t mean we need to see him. Or anyone on your old team. Let’s start with your home, alright?”

The silver-haired man curled his hands into tight fists as he finally admitted, in the quietest of voices, “I’m afraid of falling.”

Yukina wasted no time to envelop the other in a warm bear-hug, his chin resting on the top of the other’s head. Suga sometimes believed by snuggling himself closer he could disappear in the taller man’s embrace, something that made the other laugh. It almost felt possible considering the other towered over him and was significantly wider than him.

They stayed in the train station for what seemed like hours, in complete and utter silence, Suga with his head on Yukina shoulder. No one else stood with them. Every now and then the shorter of the two would glance up, a curious glimmer in his eye as he wondered why on earth Yukina was with him after all this time. He was optimistic despite Suga’s constant pessimism and overall gloomy attitude towards everything.

He nudged but never pushed Suga into doing things or to go somewhere. He often made suggestions of places they should go together and made time no matter what if Suga ever agreed to somewhere. Which was rare. Normally he’d refuse and insist on staying in and Yukina never tried to fight him over his choice. The silver-haired man couldn’t even remember a point in their relationship where the other had gotten angry at him over his lack of interest to do anything.

As if sensing his wandering thoughts, Yukina tightened his embrace, promising “you’ll never fall with me, Koushi.”

He really wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve him. As far as he knew, Suga was quite literally the epitome of a sinking ship far beyond anyone’s capability to save. 

 


	2. Glimpses

His parents didn't do well in hiding the shock on their faces when the door opened for them to enter. Suga even counted the seconds that passed in his head, the silence between them uncomfortable and awkward as his parents gawked. Although Yukina would never tell him otherwise, he could only assume his appearance was a horrifying sight compared to the last time they'd seen him. When he’d been relatively healthier and much better at keeping up with his lies. The significant weight loss was the first thing anyone who knew him noticed or commented on. And they never seemed to forget the deep bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep for the past few years, caused by a mix of personal and school issues.

The scars on his arms were a whole other story. They were composed of a mess of different lines now, some straighter or more jagged than others, and Suga hid them out of fear of what others would say. He could only imagine the reactions he’d get. If they made  _ him  _ ill to his stomach, surely it would have the same effect on others. Some were fresher than others, more grotesque than others…

Chances were, once someone knew and saw them, they'd feel nothing but pity for him and suggest he talk to someone to get over his problems. Or they’d avoid or abandon him altogether. As some of his previous friends had.

Feeling somewhat nervous, the young man tugged on the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Purposely pulling them in a way so they covered most of his hand from view. He knew the movement didn’t go unnoticed by his friend, who glanced at him from the corner of his eye. It was not the first time he’d done it and probably not the last until he fully accepted the fact that they would remain there. 

Yukina cleared his throat, startling both of Suga’s parents, and spoke first to break the awkward atmosphere, “ah, I'm so sorry we're late. I insisted on taking the long way here… It's my first time visiting this area so I got really excited.” He bowed with an embarrassed look, his cheeks pink as he scratched the back of his head.

Suga couldn’t help but think he looked like a grade-schooler as a small smile stretched his lips and he chuckled ever so quietly at the sight of his friend. He’d never seen him so flustered about something. The sound of his soft laughter filled the entranceway, surprising everyone there. Even Suga himself.

It took only a few seconds for Suga’s mother to react to the both of them, her expression melting into a smile as warm as the sun as she ushered them inside and exclaimed that dinner was still ready for them. Just as she made it to the doorway leading into the dining room, she paused to look back at them with a fond expression. The same smile. It was the exact same smile, Yukina realized as stopped in his tracks, he saw on Suga the very few occasions he'd managed to crack one out of him.

However, it was the look of relief in her eyes that caught Yukina’s attention in particular. Her son’s quiet laughter must have been a reassuring sign to her ears. As soon as she’d opened the door earlier, there was a split second he had wondered if coming back to his hometown had been a mistake. Koushi  _ did  _ look different. There was no denying it, although Yukina wanted to avoid discouraging the other boy as much as possible. Reminding the ex-volleyball player of his weight loss would be cruel.

His father was the one that worried Yukina the most. A million thoughts seemed to be coursing through his head as he stood there beside his wife and stared down at his son. Considering all the things that had happened in the past couple of years, although the older Sugawara wouldn’t know the details, Yukina found he couldn’t blame him for the speechlessness. It was the man’s gaze that was most unsettling.

The young man couldn’t help but shift uncomfortably as he averted his own eyes to another point in the room for a few seconds. He only prayed Suga hadn’t noticed.  

 

The look on the middle-aged man’s face was of someone staring into a stranger’s eyes.

He seemed more hesitant as he followed them into the dining room and silently took a seat at the table. Yukina waited as Suga’s mother assigned him a place, but his eyes remained focused on the older man in the room. By this point the other had his hands clasped together on the table and a very unsettled expression as he seemingly tried to put things together. His son appeared completely unaware of this as his mother grasped Suga by the shoulders and gently nuzzled his hair.

Even though the loss was obvious by the very loose-fitting sweatshirt he wore, the woman seemingly wanted to confirm it for herself. Her expression fell somewhat as she let go, but she quickly beamed when Suga gave her a questioning look and she shook her head. The sight of it all made Yukina’s heart speed up, so much he wondered if anyone else could hear it pounding in his chest as he sat across from his friend.

Luckily for them, Suga’s mother was the first to speak, “you boys look like you’re starving! Please,” she motioned to their plates with a wide smile. “I made something lighter since you were running a bit late… but I’m thinking you’ll both go for seconds.”

Seeing the very hopeful expression on her face, Suga suddenly felt bad for not being hungrier. Up until a recent point eating had been a chore for him, chewing and swallowing had become an effort that tired him out more than anything. He’d gone from three meals to one, with snacks at various times or some days he wouldn't eat at all.

It was obvious she'd put lots of effort into the meal as he stared down at his plate with a fond smile. His mother was not known for her cooking skills and more often than normal, the food she made turned into a pile of ash. She'd chosen ingredients she knew  _ he _ loved, most of them he still did despite not eating them in a very long time, and had cooked them to perfection. The dinner itself wasn't very elaborate, but simple and light as she had said.

“Thanks, mom.” He said at last, for once the smile on his face genuine rather than forced. It was  _ nice _ to be home.

The meal itself lasted a short while and the silence was filled with awkward idle chatter. Suga's father remained utterly still during the whole ordeal and occasionally glanced at whoever spoke before retreating back into his mind. He never addressed his son but almost constantly kept a steady eye on him.

Yukina attempted more than once to make small talk with the older man, but failed miserably every time. Thankfully Suga’s mother was there, trying her very hardest to hold constant conversation by asking a million questions but obviously never touching upon the underlying thoughts going through her own mind. And undoubtedly through her husband’s. Both parents were holding back because of Yukina’s presence. Understandably so, considering they didn't really know  _ who  _ he was or his relation to their son.

After a while, Suga's mother clapped her hands together and offered their guest an apologetic look.

“So for sleeping arrangements… Unfortunately, the spare bedroom is still a huge mess…” She admitted this a little shyly. “I've been so busy with work; I really haven't gotten the chance to clean it.”

“He can use an extra futon and sleep in my room.” Suga glanced over at Yukina, “if you don't feel like that's too weird, or anything?”

To Yukina, the only weird part about the whole situation was having to act like an ordinary friend. Almost everyone in his circle knew the two of them were dating but he often forgot that it was not necessarily the same way for Suga. The biggest difference between them was this:

Yukina was quite openly gay and had taken his stroll out of the closet years ago back in high school. It hadn't been much of an issue for him thanks to his closest friends and the fact that they never let him feel like it was a fault of his. They’d accepted it and moved on. Even the bullies had given up on him when he showed them he wasn't easy prey and wouldn't give in to their teasing or name calling.

Sugawara Koushi, for the longest time, had tried to repress and deny his sexuality. To the point of breaking. No one from his original group of friends knew. Or his parents. He’d convinced himself that certain part of himself was wrong, no matter how much Yukina insisted otherwise.

And he was still very much uncomfortable with the idea of telling his parents and friends. He'd often admitted his fear of being judged or abandoned by those he cared about most because of his interest in men. All worries that Yukina had mulled over once before deciding he didn't really care. If someone didn't accept him because of his preference, they weren't his friend to begin with. 

Yukina wasn't about to force him out in front of these people, it wasn't the kind of person he was. He'd promised Suga that they would take small steps until the moment he felt prepared and ready to let everyone know. Even if he had to pretend and pose as one of Suga’s college friends until then.

“Not at all, I don't mind!” Yukina answered with a wide grin. It suited him just fine if he could be in the same room as the other. He turned to Suga’s mother, “don't trouble yourself over me. I really don't mind sleeping on the futon. It’s more than enough.”

“I just don't want you to be uncomfortable...” her voice faded as she tilted her head with a fond smile, looking as though she were remembering something sweet. Suga peered over at his mother curiously. 

“It reminds me of when Sawamura- _ kun  _ used to come over, he’d always insist on sleeping in Koushi’s room!” 

Suga suddenly lost his appetite sitting there, his chopsticks hitting the table as his hand went slack. Everyone watched in mild worry as he apologized and picked them up again to force a few more bites down his throat. Just to look a bit normal.

Yukina was quick to distract his parents, “really, I've slept on far worse surfaces in the past couple of years.” He admitted with a laugh. “My back adapts to anything. I’m pretty sure the floor would be just fine too!” 

“Besides,” Suga gazed out the window, eyes focused on something far away all of a sudden, “we're only here for a week.”

***

“Whoa, your bedroom is so organized.” Yukina remarked as he dropped his bags by the other’s bed. “You’re really into volleyball.” He observed as he stared around himself. The posters with all kinds of strategies labeled and books spoke levels. It was a part of Koushi he didn't know much about, mostly because it entailed bad memories for him.

Suga went to sit at his desk, eyes wandering the familiar space, “I  _ was.”  _ There was a sad look on his face as he took everything in again. A part of him had really missed his home, the coziness of it all… “I was the vice-captain of my high school’s team in my final year…” 

 

“Ah! So cool!  _ Whoa _ ! You looked awesome in that uniform. Dashing.” Yukina’s smile broadened at the discovery, his eyes immediately focusing on a picture Suga didn’t remember hanging there himself. It was of the Karasuno team. Likely taken after one of their victories, considering everyone looked happy in it. Suga immediately averted his gaze and told himself he’d take it down when no one would see.

There was a long moment where neither of them said anything as Yukina went about unpacking his things and getting settled. Everything, as the silver-haired man had come to realize when they’d moved in together, had a place for him. Suga watched absentmindedly, zoning in and out as the minutes slowly passed and the clock on the wall ticked away. The other hummed a song to himself, seemingly content with the silence that had fallen between them.

It was never awkward, always calm and somehow comforting to merely be in each other's presence. Much like how it had once been with Daichi.

His face twisted painfully at the thought of his once best friend. What was he doing now? Who was he with? Was there someone else to enjoy such calm, quiet moments with him? To brush up against his side and teasingly point something out, purposely speaking right next to his ear to get a reaction out of him?

Had someone else taken the place Koushi once thought had been exclusively his?

Suga’s intention had been to get up and fetch the extra futon, but he suddenly felt too exhausted and upset to get on his feet at all. This was why he hadn’t wanted to go back home. Despite the comforting feeling of being in his own things again, he realized most of the things in his room somehow entailed moments he’d shared with Daichi at some point. The books, games… all of them.

Yukina peered over his shoulder to check on the other, only to be met with the sight of his boyfriend evidently blinking back tears. His eyes red and puffy already. Yukina moved to comfort the other, but Suga quickly shook his head in a way that meant he didn’t want him to.  

“I’m fine.” Suga whispered, “it’s just a lot... “ 

 

Yukina saw right through the lie and could instantly tell the other was far from feeling alright. Although, he didn’t doubt that it  _ was _ a lot to take in. He knew just by the way Suga held himself as he sat there in his chair, clutching his arms tightly and wincing ever so slightly. 

It was a form of self-harm he thought went unnoticed by most. But Yukina knew the signs after watching him for so long. The other would apply just enough pressure when he thought no one was looking and squeeze or dig his fingers into his arms. Sometimes he did it intentionally and other times subconsciously without much thought. 

 

“ _ Suga _ .” His tone had a warning edge to it. He couldn't tell if he was aware or not by the blank look in his face. 

 

_ Unaware.  _ The other was obviously startled as he jumped and quickly placed his arms on either side of him. Biting hard into his lower lip, the look of shame appeared as he realized what he'd been doing mere moments ago. It wasn't something he was proud of. The results of his lowest moments haunted him constantly and he hated that he would never be able to forget them completely. 

 

Yukina reached out for the other, fully believing Suga would only offer up his arms for him to examine the damage. That's what normally happened when he called him out on it. 

He was pleasantly surprised when the silver haired man slipped from his chair and right into his outstretched arms, seeking the comfort he’d refused only minutes before. It took only a few seconds for him to engulf the other in a massive bear hug as Suga nuzzled himself into Yukina’s shoulder with a sigh. 

 

“I’m sorry…” He whispered, “I just wish… sometimes… I didn’t feel anything.” 

 

Yukina tightened his grip on him as he felt something sink a little in his chest, “feeling is a part of living, Koushi. A heart is a burden.”

 

“Too big a burden sometimes…” Suga’s voice was devoid of emotion.

 

For once Yukina didn’t know the right words to comfort the other. He half wondered if coming to his partner’s hometown had been a mistake, realizing it stirred up the worst of memories… but also the fondest, which caused him enormous pain as a result. Yukina could only hold him and whisper soothing words to make it somewhat better. 

 

_ The lowest. He'd hit the lowest point in his life and he couldn't do anything to pull himself out of the hole he’d dug himself into. Maybe he didn't want to. Not right away…  _

 

_ He felt hands wandering his body as he struggled to keep up with a friend eagerly leading him further into the club. They had gotten in after a two-hour wait in the freezing cold, the whole time a very hesitant Suga had attempted to make excuses for them to come back another day. But his friend had brushed his worries off and countered the arguments by claiming they  _ needed  _ the release. They needed the wildness after hours of class and studying. He’d claimed the real party was in the middle of it all but Koushi wasn't all that sure he wanted to go so far. It really wasn't the kind of place he would've chosen, too flashy and loud, but he'd gone along with it when his classmate had insisted.  _

_ As he turned back in the direction of the doors, eyes quickly searching for an exit sign, he realized just how far they were. An ocean of bodies separated him from the escape he so desperately wanted to make. It only seemed to get bigger as the seconds passed and more people were allowed inside. And as he turned back to face the crowd, he felt the whole world plummet around him. His friend was gone.  _

 

_ Suga's shouts were completely drowned out by the music blasting in the large room. No one even batted an eye in his direction as they continued swaying in time with the DJ’s beats, too drunk and far gone to notice his evident panic. He turned in circles in an attempt to relocate the exit but found he couldn't see it anymore with all the bodies swarming around him.  _

 

_ Someone, however, grabbed his shoulder a few seconds later, “heya, cutie. You're looking a lot like a frightened kitten right now.  _

 

_ Suga swallowed the lump in his throat as his gaze rose to meet the other’s. The man was tall and broad shouldered, his black v-neck hugging his figure perfectly. His hair was dark, long and spiked, wild. The eyebrow and lip piercing were oddly alluring in the flashing lights of the club and Suga stood mesmerized for a few seconds.  _

_ No, it wasn't important. He had to focus. _

 

_ “I just want to get out of here.” Koushi said firmly. “Can you point me in the right direction?”  _

 

_ “So formal,” the other purred. “I'll show you the way out, little kitten.”  _

 

_ All the signals in Koushi’s head were going off as he stood there considering the man’s offer to show him out. Putting his momentary trust in the other would be a mistake. He  _ knew  _ it would be. There were a million things that could go wrong in the few minutes he allowed himself to be led out or further into the club. But for some reason, his mind had gone completely numb in his desperation.  _

 

_ “Thanks,” Suga offered the man a small smile.  _

 

_ As he followed he was vaguely aware of a set of eyes on him. But rather than turn to look, he continued walking out with the stranger he’d met only minutes before. Unaware of what would happen next. He only continued swerving and twisting through the ocean of jumping bodies.  _

 

_ As they exited through the doors and stood on the street outside, a very relieved Suga released the breath he’d been holding. Which was when the stranger grabbed his wrist, “not used to that kind of thing, are ya?”  _

 

_ “N-not really.” He stammered back, “I didn’t really want to go out tonight.”  _

 

_ “I feel ya.” The other chuckled as he languidly pulled a cigarette out from his back pocket and brought it to his lips. A lighter appeared seconds later, Suga watched in fascination as the man cupped his hand slightly to light it.  _

_ The man’s gaze met Suga’s own shy one, “you free right now? Let’s go for a drink.” _

 

_ Suga should have refused. Every instinct in his body had been telling him to.  _

_ But he’d gone with the other, naively believing everything would be fine.  _

 

_ One drink became two. Two became four. The pattern went on until Suga was hurling his own guts up in the customer bathroom of the bar they’d gone to. Then he was vaguely aware of leaving, supported by the stranger he’d come with, yelling angry drunken nonsense into the streets filled with equally intoxicated people shouting back at him. Yelling, yelling until his throat was raw and then his anger subsided to fits of laughter. The man holding him joined in.  _

_ Suga found himself enjoying the way the other was holding him and leaned into the caressing touch when they stopped at an empty street corner. It was so gentle, but firm at the same time. He realized he must’ve said it out loud because the man pulled him close. Closer and closer until their lips were pressed together. _

_ For a very brief second, Suga almost thought about pulling away. He stammered something about the alcohol between them but the man didn’t seem to mind as he tried pulling the college freshman even closer.  _

 

_ It was as he was being ushered into a foreign apartment and pushed along the thin corridor, that his brain started snapping back to reality and the situation dawned on him. Had the other taken a single drink in the whole time they’d been together? If so, how many? Suga had lost count after he’d gone over three. The stranger’s allure had been to reel in someone like Suga. To use his naivety to get him drunk to…  _

_ Suga sobered completely as he was thrown onto the floor, the impact winding him immediately. The force had been enough to bruise his ribs for sure. But bruises were the least of his worries as he felt the other’s dark gaze moving in on him. Eyes widening in absolute horror, he felt the other get on top of him. Pinning him to the ground with a force Suga wasn’t entirely sure he could even fight against.  _

_ No… he knew he couldn’t. There was no point in trying to deny the obvious.  _

_ Panic rippled through him as he felt the other moving and pulling at his clothes, his intentions clearer and clearer by the second until he was naked on the floor. Even as the freshman pleaded for him to stop he insisted it was what Suga wanted. What he needed.  _

 

_ It was when the other’s belt buckle and zipper were undone that Suga regretted every moment that night. He should have stayed in his dorm. _

_ Maybe he should have never left his hometown.  _

 

_ He had never wanted to die so badly in his whole life, in those agonizing moments between every painful thrust, he wished himself dead over and over. It became a mantra in his mind as he willed himself to separate from the present moment. As he kept zoning in and out of consciousness he almost believed he’d gotten to the edge between life and death. Leaning closer to death, of course. Hopefully.  _

  
  


__

 

Suga bolted from his nightmare, shirt completely drenched in sweat and mouth open in a silent scream. Despite the dampness of the material he placed both hands on his chest. Beneath his long fingers his heart was beating erratically and his lungs struggled to find the right breathing pattern.

He didn't know what to do anymore. Was this any way for a person to live, bolting out of bed from a nightmare almost every night? Looking at his bedside table, he checked the time on the analog digital clock blinking in the darkness of his room.  _ 4 AM.  _ An hour or so before sunrise. Luckily he'd managed to get a little more sleep than usual.  

 

He glanced down at Yukina on the floor beside him, the perfect example of calm. Nothing ever seemed to bother him when he slept. Suga was almost certain the man was capable of sleeping through any kind of noise. It was a wonder he managed to get up at all when his alarm went off during the school year.

 

“Can't sleep?” Yukina’s voice broke the silence of the room suddenly, startling Suga, “nightmare?” 

 

“Y-yeah.” Suga answered a little breathlessly, “the same one with Hide...” 

 

“C’mere,” Yukina didn’t even let him finish as he shoved himself over and patted the empty spot beside him, “they’re just dreams, he can’t hurt you anymore, Koushi.” He knew it was the truth, but he still feared waking up in that man’s bedroom, everything suddenly being a dream.

“I’m right here. Don’t forget. He’ll never get close to you while I’m around.” Yukina stifled a little yawn, “Come, try to get a bit of rest until breakfast.” 

 

“I might go for a walk to clear my head.” He rolled off the edge of the bed to press himself to Yukina anyways. Those familiar arms wrapped around his figure instantaneously, enveloping Suga in a soothing warmth. 

 

“At this  _ ungodly _ hour?” The other released an exasperated breath as he quickly peeked at the clock with one eye open and the other squeezed closed. “It's like four in the morning.” 

 

It didn’t take long for Yukina to fall asleep again, Suga remained awake the entire time. Walking would definitely clear his mind and help calm him down from the nightmare. He slithered out of his boyfriend’s arms and tiptoed across his floor to where his wardrobe was. It was obvious by the pleasant smell clinging to all the folded clothes, his mother had done all his laundry before his arrival. Pulling a clean shirt, sweater, and pair of pants out, he slipped them on before heading out as quietly as possible.  

 

Once outside, he released a long shaky breath as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. The morning air was refreshing against his damp skin. It was far better than being confined to a small bedroom with nowhere to go, even if it was his own. Even during his college days he would go for early morning walks. For the longest while, Yukina had always insisted on coming with him. But in recent months he was more easy-going with Suga and let him do his own thing when he sensed it was alright. Suddenly feeling self-conscious by standing in front of his house, Suga shoved his hands into the front pockets of his hoodie and went on his way down the street. 

 

Everything was the same. All the small local stores were preparing for the day ahead, some of the owners recognized Suga while he passed and waved enthusiastically as they yelled for him to come visit during the day. He only nodded and waved back, hoping it would convince them he’d stop by later. Yukina would definitely like to. He’d pointed to all the places he wanted to see the night before. 

Suga smiled to himself as he continued down the streets. Life for so many people in his little hometown, hadn’t changed. Their morning routines seemed to be the same as when Suga had been living there. It almost felt as if he were back in high school, making his way to morning practice. 

 

Reaching the train track crossing, Suga was vaguely aware of another figure walking across at the same time as him. The other wore a black hoodie and had his hands stuffed into his pockets as well. Suga only tilted his head a little to grab a peek, a part of him curious. Who else was taking a morning stroll like him? The flashing lights signaling an incoming train made Suga rush across the clearing a little.

It was in that moment that the other had chosen to look up as well. 

Eyes meeting, Suga felt his throat go dry. The other recognized him immediately as they fully passed one another and crossed to their respective sides. Suga couldn’t help but whisper the other’s name as he went by. It would have been impossible  _ not  _ to recognize him. They’d known each other for so long, after all, and spent so many late nights huddled together. Joking around. Not worrying about what the future held for them. 

 

“Suga…” the other’s voice was still loud despite the distance between them. 

 

As Suga reached the other side and stopped, turning around to catch a glimpse of his previous friend, the train started flying by. The lightning speed was almost enough to make him dizzy as he attempted to spot the other man across the tracks. But it was useless. The other was completely hidden from view. 

And, he realized quickly, he too would be hidden. 

 

Knowing he couldn’t face the other, Suga fled the tracks as quickly as his legs would allow him to.  

Sawamura Daichi. The name repeated itself over and over in his mind as he raced down and up the winding roads leading to nowhere in particular. He didn't know where he was heading and he really didn't care. All he knew was that he'd run into the one person he'd wanted to avoid at all costs.   
  
Sawamura Daichi.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh noes, will Daichi run after him?   
> Thank you for the lovely comments, for those who left some! This chapter was a bit long and sort of filler-ish but I hoped you liked it!   
> But hey, Daichi showed up! ;D
> 
> I know in the previous chapter, the name you all saw was "Kazuo"... but then I realized there were too many names with 'K's so I changed it to Yukina. It made me feel better. 
> 
> Anywho, I hope you enjoyed this! Please leave comments. I love hearing from all of you~


	3. Interlude 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! 
> 
> But not with what you think *le gasp* 
> 
> Here's an interlude chapter, going back to the time when Suga met Yukina. There will be a couple of these throughout the story. Some might go back to Karasuno! These are mostly little snippets I write for fun while I'm working on the actual story. They keep me going. 
> 
> Next chapter will be up soon! 
> 
> Thanks for reading~
> 
> Oh, and by the way... this has become a Part 1... meaning, there's gonna be a Part 2?  
> This is Part one of the "From Me to You" series. Will it have a happy ending? Sad ending?  
> That's my secret.

 

“He seems to have stabilized. That’s a good sign…I’ll be back in a while to check on him.”

 

Suga murmured something under his breath as his eyes slowly opened, only for him to squeeze them shut again due to the brightness of the room he was in. Everything was white. But the breeze felt nice against his skin. Which meant he was near an open window. He opened his eyes once more to get a sense of where he was, more careful this time as he blinked to adjust to the lighting. The first thing he saw was the ceiling, fluorescent lights spaced all over, and a curtain.

A curtain? White. He was in the hospital?

 

… how disappointing.

 

... But how had he gotten there?

 

“Ah!” A voice pulled him from his thoughts, “you’re awake! What a relief. I was so worried when I saw you arrive last night...” It was another man, a year or so older than him, who approached. He had a warm smile on his face as he took in the sight of Suga.

 

The silver-haired freshman was suddenly reminded of what happened the previous night as he stared up into the other’s dark-caramel eyes and moved a little. Wrong thing to do as he felt a shot of pain course through his body. He had thought it to be a nightmare up until that point but it had all really happened. He’d let a total stranger…

His expression seemingly made his pain evident by the way the other leapt to his side and immediately blurted out all kinds of questions. Where did it hurt exactly? Did he feel ill at all? Did he need anything? Suga almost felt dizzy from it all as he lay there listening. It almost seemed like a routine to the other. As he looked the man up and down, he realized the other was a nurse. Or a nurse in training.

Or doing some kind of volunteering.  

 

As the man got closer and closer, Suga felt his insides tensing and a choked cry escaped his lips. He didn’t want him to get any nearer than he already was. Suga’s heart started pounding in his chest. Out of instinct or something deep within him, he curled in on himself under the sheets. The other swiftly drew himself back until he was a good few feet away from the bed.

 

“I’m sorry.” He apologized quickly, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

 

The college freshman trembled under the sheets of his hospital bed, a fear he’d never felt before growing in him. A sickening hollowness settled in his stomach after a few uneven breaths and Suga squeezed his eyes shut. Wanting to disappear in the sheets and to never resurface to face the brightness of the room.  

Why hadn’t he just died?

 

“Do you need anything?” The other offered quietly from his place a few feet away. “Water?”

Suga didn’t answer. He _couldn’t_ answer. Or maybe he didn’t want to. Either way, he remained hidden beneath the sheets as the other hovered in the room. When would he leave? It wasn’t like he was a doctor. Yet, he lingered in the room. Were they worried he would attempt to do something in his state?

Suga sighed into the soft material as he heard the other drag a chair on the floor. Apparently, the he wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

 

“The police will come by at some point.”

 

So? It wasn’t like he could identify the man who’d…

Suga’s brown-hazel eyes opened.

The man who’d raped him.

 

“I know it’ll be hard and that it hurts,” the other continued, “but telling them everything you know and remember can help them stop whoever it was.”

 

Suga wanted to snap at him and to tell him he didn’t know how hard it was. He had _no idea_ how much it hurt. There was no way he could even relate. The pain Suga felt was on level with the hurt he’d felt after all the heated arguments with Daichi.

All those bitter moments he could never take back.

 

Just like no one could undo what had happened to Suga just the night before.

 

“ _Daichi…_ ” he whispered into the pillow under his head, tears streaming down his cheeks. The other must’ve heard him but chose to say nothing as Suga broke down sobbing in the hospital bed.   

 

Suga wanted, so badly, for Daichi to be there to comfort him. To tell him everything would be alright and promise he would always be there for Suga. Like he’d done so often when they had been younger. Those childish words had made him feel like the happiest person in the world. As well as the luckiest, for having someone like Daichi.

And he desperately wanted to hear them again.

 

It felt like forever had passed him by when he emerged from the sheets, finished with his sobbing, his eyes puffy and red. Across from the bed sat the other man with a warm, greeting smile. He was still sitting in the chair he’d dragged up, a little book on the table next to him. Had he stayed there all along and listened? Suga wondered if he’d been _awake_ the whole time as he folded his hands on his lap and straightened himself out a little.

 

So he asked. “W-were you here the whole time?”

 

“Of course.” The other answered.

 

“ _Ah_ …” Suga averted his gaze downwards to where his hands were clasped together. Realizing he still didn't know how he'd ended up in the hospital bed, he asked, "H-how did I get here?" 

 

"You were spotted by the alley of a bar, completely passed out and obviously not looking so good. Someone passing through called the ambulance." 

 

He distinctly remembered being in an apartment the night before. In a half-drunken state, had he dragged himself out? Had the other driven him elsewhere to make it look less suspicious? The questions swirled around in his head as he sat there staring at an empty space on a wall. It didn't make sense. The moment between the apartment and waking up in the hospital bed was a complete blur to Koushi.

"So..." he decided to change the subject, knowing the answers wouldn't come right away, "what are  _you_ doing here?"

 

“I’m a volunteer caretaker here.” He explained, “I usually work with the kids, though. But when I saw you arrive all alone…”

 

“You _pitied_ me.” He was surprised by how sharp his words were.

 

But the other didn’t let it show on his face as he answered, “maybe a little. But I just didn’t want to leave you alone. I wanted you to wake up with someone beside you… even if it wasn’t me in the end.”

 

That was surprising, to say the least. So much so that Suga’s eyes widened as he felt his cheeks heat up a little. The man sitting in front of him was a complete stranger. Suga didn’t know him, and the other most certainly did not know him. Yet he wanted to be sure that Suga was alright and that he had company in a foreign place.

 

“There’s no one who’ll come for me…” he said quietly after a few moments.

 

“Not even your parents? Girlfriend or boyfriend?” The other looked shocked, “you’re alone?”

 

Realizing it had sounded as though he didn’t have parents, he shook his head and offered an explanation. “My parents live in another prefecture. It’d be hard for them to get here and drop everything there to come here…”

 

His face fell a little. There was the matter of what happened to him. Did he really want to face his mother and father to tell them what had happened to him? He somehow felt as though his parents would never be able to look at him the same way again.

No. They couldn’t know.

 

“I’m assuming you don’t want them to know, right?” Suga nodded. “That’s usually the case.”

 

“Would you tell yours?”

 

“I don’t know.” The other tilted his head thoughtfully, “it’s hard to say.”

 

The caramel-eyed man looked him over, his lips forming a thin line. Suga looked away and pretended to focus on something else to avoid the other’s gaze. It was somewhat discomforting. He looked at the flowers set in the corner, left by someone Suga would never meet. Probably a volunteer like the man in front of him. There were a few books scattered about the hospital room that had likely been forgotten by previous patients.

 

“Is there really no one I can call for you? I won’t be the last person to ask you, by the way. Someone else will keep badgering you. ”  

 

Suga lay back down with a sigh. There were only two people who came to mind. One of them being Daichi and the other being Asahi. They’d been friends all throughout high school and the previous ace knew, more or less, about Suga’s feelings for their volleyball captain. He’d often tried to mediate the arguments between Daichi and him and to find some kind of solution when there was none. To keep the peace between all of them when war was waging in the background.

He was grateful to know someone like Asahi and admired him for the great kindness he offered to everyone he knew.

 

Hesitantly, Suga said, “there’s a friend of mine. If you could give me my phone I’ll contact him.”

 

The other looked surprised, "you had a phone? We assumed you didn't when we couldn't find it on you." 

 

Hadn't he had it the night before? Suga felt his throat go a little dry as his mind tried very hard to remember. There was a slim chance it was still at his apartment, he usually always had it in his pocket, "oh, I might've left it at my place. I'll just give you the number?" 

 

"Sounds good." The other mentioned something about getting a piece of paper to write it down. Just before heading out, he turned to smile at him and reassured Suga he'd only be a few seconds. 

 

Suga tried to return the gesture but failed miserably. 

He couldn't even lift the corners of his mouth as a feeling of pure dread settled into the back of his mind. 

 

…

 

Asahi stayed with Suga for as long as he could afford to. Just as the previous setter had expected, the other had jumped on the next train heading in his direction to pick him up from the hospital. He didn’t know the details of what happened, Suga only shared such information with the police officers who stopped by his room one early morning, and as soon as Asahi had arrived he’d looked relieved to see the previous setter in one piece.

He stayed a week, helping Suga with anything he needed and keeping him company. Even though the silverette insisted he should return so as to not fall too behind in his work. Asahi only shrugged the matter off and said there was nothing to worry about. Not once did he complain about a single day of work.

And not once did he pry about what happened.

 

On the day of his scheduled departure, Suga almost had to kick the other out the door of his apartment, “you can’t miss anymore days than you _already_ have!”

 

Asahi was significantly stronger so he didn’t really budge in the doorway as Suga pushed. He peeked over his shoulder before fully turning back to him, “are you sure you’ll be alright? You’ve been so quiet this past week.” The expression on his face was something between extreme concern and sadness.

 

“It’s not like I’ll disappear.” Joked Suga, “If I keep messaging you, will that keep you satisfied? I’ve just been tired is all.”

 

Suga wasn't really sure how he'd be able to keep that lie up. He still didn't have a phone. No matter how many times he tried to call it, the usual recorded message for his voicemail played out. Occasionally it went out of service. Whoever had it was making sure to keep it charged.

 

He didn’t seem to find any amusement in those words. The grave look made Suga avert his gaze to the ground, “Suga…”

 

“You’ll miss your train, Asahi.”

 

“You know I could really care less about the train.” He sighed, “I want to know that you’ll be _alright_.”

 

Suga grinned, “you worry _way_ too much, Asahi. I’ll be fine.” It was a lie.

 

But the other looked far from convinced as he reluctantly agreed to head home. As he walked away, Suga waving from his door, he peered over his shoulder with a look so full of worry that the silverette almost thought he would come right back to stay with him. Asahi kept walking until his figure disappeared around a corner and Suga felt his arm drop to his side like lead.

His eyes dulled as he turned back to face the dark emptiness of his apartment. Alone.

…

 

Weeks spiralled into months, Suga had long ago lost track of time. He barely attended his classes but managed to pass the midterms and exams with excellent grades. So his teachers let the matter slide and didn’t pester him about it at all. Surprisingly. Even when the obvious signs that he wasn’t eating or taking proper care of himself had settled in. None of his friends made comments either.

It was almost interesting to see how _little_ everyone cared.

 

As he made his way down the college’s hallway, bustling with other students rushing or walking, he was surprised to hear a loud booming voice calling out his name. He turned with a curious look but couldn’t spot anyone who stood out among the crowd. Had he simply imagined it? Suga turned back and continued walking.

 

And almost shrieked as someone grabbed his arm, shouting, “I _finally_ caught up to you.” Suga whirled with wide eyes, like a wild animal being cornered.

 

It was the caramel-eyed man from the hospital. For a moment he was the brightest thing Suga had seen, until the smile on his face faded as he took in the sight of the silver-haired boy. The concern quickly followed as he seemingly put the pieces together and his eyes wandered down his body.

 

“I don’t want to hear it.” Suga muttered as he turned away from him.

 

“No, wait!” As soon as he’d grabbed his wrist, Suga winced and swore under his breath. “You…”

 

“ _Please_ let go of me.” He hissed.

 

“Come have coffee with me.” The other insisted desperately.

 

Suga scowled, “I have other things to do.”

 

“I’ll make it worth your time.” He promised. “Please.”

 

“Let go of my hand then.”

 

As he did so very hesitantly, Suga took the opportunity to dash from that very spot. He was not the fastest runner but he knew the quick escape routes in the school. There had been a time when he’d wondered if he’d ever have a use for them and if spotting them had been a useless waste of time. Even if he’d done it in passing. But the use of the seemingly random side door had its advantages as he burst through it to cut across the inner courtyard. Other students were still standing around and chatting, surprised when he pushed past them and sprinted.

 

But very soon the other figured out the times of his classes, by bribing someone or simply stalking Suga. Either way his persistence was creepy. He even memorized the same little exits the silverette had found in his boredom. Everytime he spotted Suga and managed to catch up he’d yell something about having coffee or going out for something. People would stare, others used to the random outbursts found it amusing. His invitations were always declined.

 

Suga quickly grew tired of the other’s attempts at getting him to go out. Perhaps, once, he would have found the other’s efforts amusing. However, they only annoyed him now. They made matters more difficult for him. He didn’t want to go anywhere. With anyone. He wanted to be alone. Completely and utterly alone in the silence of the world he’d shut himself into.

 

That way, when everyone forgot about him…

 

He could just disappear.

 

“I don’t want to go _anywhere_ !” Suga whirled on him with an angry look, “ _leave me alone!”_

 

The other only pushed. “Come have coffee with me.”

 

Suga felt the stares all around him, people whispering amongst themselves about how harsh he was being towards the older student. Girls complained about wanting a guy to pay that much attention to them. Others laughed. Some offered to join the caramel-eyed upperclassmen for coffee but his focus remained on Suga regardless. He was so determined, others remarked with amazement and mild fascination. It was true.

How long had he been chasing Suga? A month… almost? He couldn’t even remember anymore.

 

The fact that he was being so public about it all, it was really irritating.

 

“If I agreed to go,” Suga crossed his arms, “what then?”

 

“Let’s just start with coffee.” The other grinned as he held a hand out. “Shall we?”

Suga’s cheeks burned, “I said _if_!”

 

“I’m very inclined to believe that you just said yes.” He laughed, quickly hooking his arm around Suga’s without much effort. There wasn’t even a chance to back out then.

 

As one of them walked and the other struggled to go the other way, cheers could be heard all along the hallway. After months of pursuing he’d finally gotten the coffee date. Their story, without a doubt, would make the college paper. Suga muttered all kinds of things under his breath, cheeks flaming, as he eventually gave in and walked in stride with the other. When he glanced over to his pursuer, he wasn’t surprised to see the stupidly wide grin on his face. Looking as though he’d just won the olympics and scored himself a gold medal.

 

“I think introducing myself would be a great start,” the other laughed from his seat opposite Suga’s. The cafe they were in was unexpectedly quiet for an afternoon, “My name is Sugimura Yukina.”

 

Suga was silent for a whole minute until he realized the other expected him to do the same, “Sugawara Koushi.” His voice was more monotone than he was used to. “Suga for short.”  

 

“Suga- _san_ , then? Would that be alright?” Yukina wondered. “I don’t want to be too informal with you.”

 

He thought about telling him that he could drop the honorifics, but only shrugged and nodded. They didn’t really know each other so staying somewhat formal would be ideal he supposed. It wasn’t like they were going to be friends Suga told himself. There wouldn’t be another time. He hadn’t even agreed to going in the first place!

 

“I wasn’t sure what I’d do if you didn’t come today,” Yukina scratched the back of his head. “I’m surprised you’ve been so adamant about saying no. Figured you’d agree at some point to get rid of me.”

 

“I considered it many times.” Grumbled Suga.

 

“Well, it’s not like I would’ve let it end with one coffee date anyways.” What? Suga’s eyes quickly rose to meet those caramel ones. “Let’s get to know one another.”

 

“Why would I want to do that?” It was the very last thing he wanted. What did the other know? Suga felt his lips form a very thin line as he leaned back in his chair. He wanted to go back to his apartment. A part of him almost thought about leaving.

 

Yukina rested his chin on his hand, a sad look on his face, “you’ve been planning to kill yourself, right?” Suga only looked at him, mouth hanging open. He sure liked getting to the point fast.

 

The other’s gaze fell onto the table as an excited waitress placed their coffee orders on the table and wished them a nice afternoon. She skipped off to the next table without so much as a second look back in their direction. Suga was almost envious of her energy as he watched her from the corner of his eye.

 

“Weight loss, lack of interest in daily activities, skipping class” the other drawled on but as soon as he said, “self harm,” Suga tensed. “Telltale signs of someone who’s depressed. Who might have suicidal tendencies.”

 

Yukina looked at him, “I know you’ve been trying to distance yourself from others so it would make things easier.”

 

“You made it harder.” Suga glared. “You made asking me out…”

 

“Something _public_. So people wouldn’t forget “the silver-haired underclassman being asked out by the stupidly romantic upperclassman”, I wanted people to notice you when you walked down the hallway. And they did. Now no one can forget your face here.” Yukina explained. He tilted his head, the sad look returning, “wouldn’t your friends back home miss you? Daichi? That name you whispered back in the hospital. Was he someone important to you?”

 

Suga’s heart clenched painfully in his chest. He hadn’t even thought of what Daichi would say if he died. He hadn’t thought of anyone else in all the months he’d spent locked up in his apartment and when he’d hovered to class looking like a ghost.

The old him would have considered everyone else. Thought of the best for them. But always mostly for Daichi. He’d always wanted the previous captain to be happy.

 

He felt that familiar lump rise in his throat, tears threatening to spill, “you’re the worst.”

 

“The absolute worst.” Yukina agreed. “But I’m here for you now and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of me.”

 

Suga covered his face with his hands as the tears streamed down his cheeks. He hated this. He hated how weak he’d allowed himself to become. Rather than fight back, he’d allowed the man who’d hurt him to win. Even if he didn’t know it and couldn’t relish the sight of him so lost and miserable. He’d broken Suga that one night those many months ago.

Maybe shattered was a better word.

Shattered.

 

Pieces of him were missing, some forever gone, some only temporarily. He didn’t really know which ones and he wasn’t sure anyone else knew. For the longest while he didn’t think anyone else was looking.

 

He didn’t think anyone had been watching _him_. Because, why should they care about someone like Suga?

 

But someone else _had_ been looking when no one else was. Someone else _cared_. Even though Suga wasn’t asking him to. He’d come forward without permission and pushed his way into the silverette’s morbidly somber world, trying so very hard to bring the sun with him.

 

“You’re really the worst.” He whispered between quiet sobs.

 

Maybe the other would be willing to help him pick up those lost pieces.

 


	4. I Found

It felt like many hours had passed before Suga wondered if he could risk going back towards the train tracks to return home. He’d wandered all over and turned in circles multiple times just to avoid having to go back and seeing Daichi. When he glanced down at his phone, he realized only an hour or had passed since their encounter. Yet he still felt shaken from it. Seeing the previous captain, so close to him too, had been so unexpected and shocking that Suga wasn’t sure he could breathe properly just yet.

 

His racing heart definitely hadn’t recovered yet. The pounding resonated throughout his body all the way to his toes and fingertips. It continued its erratic drumming even as he rounded corner after corner leading back towards the crossing. Each step felt heavier than the last, to the point that Suga started dragging his feet on the pavement as he made his way.

 

As he reached the corner just before the tracks, he paused. Just to make sure. Although he wasn’t entirely sure what he would do if Daichi was still there. Bracing himself, he decided to check. He felt a little childish as he leaned around the building and felt a few curious glances around him. His eyes quickly scanned the vicinity and it was then that he allowed a sigh of relief to escape his lips.  

 

No one.

 

No Daichi.

  


When he reached the front door to his parent’s home, Yukina sat waiting for him. He was leaning back with his eyes closed and a peaceful expression on his face. It had been a while since Suga had seen him so calm and stress free. To see him enjoying the quiet of his hometown brought a smile to his face as he paused at the front gates. Being in the department Yukina was, the days he had off or free were scarce. And even then, he devoted most of that time to being with Suga.

The silveret almost felt bad when he unknowingly kicked a small pebble and heard it strike something when he took a step forward. Yukina’s lids shifted a little as he slowly opened them and took in the sight of his boyfriend.

 

“Ah!” He beamed with a big smile, “I was waiting for you. I thought about going after you when you left… but I don’t know my way around.”

 

“Sorry I woke you earlier.” As Suga drew closer, he ran a hand along the other’s shoulder before dropping down next to him. He smiled at the sight of goosebumps on the other’s arm. “I saw him.”

 

Yukina already knew but found himself asking, rather breathlessly, “who?”

 

“Daichi.” Suga whispered. “We were both crossing the tracks.”

“And?” He reached over to trace a circle on the silveret’s knee with downcast eyes. The hardest part about returning for Suga was running into the ex-captain. Chances were high considering they lived so close to one another and that their mothers were friends, apparently.

 

“Nothing.” Suga answered simply.

 

“Nothing?” Echoed Yukina, blinking in surprise. “Not even a word?”

 

“I ran.” Admitted he with a slight shrug. “He recognized me and I just ran. I couldn’t face him.”

 

 _So that’s why you were gone for so long_ , Yukina tilted his head back to look up at the sky. The clouds were slowly parting in small tufts to make way for the ever rising sun.

He knew it would be difficult for Suga to make amends with Daichi. There was the possibility that the ex-captain wouldn’t even want to talk to him. But that was a worst case scenario he didn’t really think would become a reality. After time anger usually subsided and one realized their teenage arguments were over petty little things. Even though they seemed like huge things back then. One tended to want to move on, have closure on the matter…

 

If Daichi was the man Yukina thought he was, he’d definitely show up at some point during their stay. Much like Suga it seemed as though he didn’t like to leave something unfinished or unturned. He liked seeing things through right to the end.

  


He glanced over at Suga, “want to head inside?”

 

The gentle hand that squeezed his own in the silence that followed informed him that, no, he didn’t want to go in right away. He wanted to stay there for a little while longer. Yukina squeezed back with a smile. Suga’s overly large sweatshirt sleeve did well in hiding their intertwined fingers from view, if his mother or father happened to peek out the door. Holding the other’s hand was far better than any kiss or hug, it felt more real and intimate to him.

It was a sign, to him, that Suga trusted him.

  


Breakfast was a quiet matter in the Sugawara household that morning. Both boys discovered Suga’s father had risen far earlier and left for the day while his mother had decided to take the day to work from home. She was chipper despite the early hour as she twirled around the kitchen preparing the meal for later in the day.

 

“Koushi, you should show Sugimura- _kun_ around today. Show him the bakery…” she went on for a few seconds about all the places they should go see before she clapped her hands together, remembering something, “ah! By the way, Asahi wanted you to visit when you got into town.”

 

 _Asahi…_ Suga almost choked on his soup. When was the last time he’d spoken to the previous ace? The other had demanded for him to send messages when he’d left after the incident, to reassure him that everything was alright. But Suga could only remember sending him the occasional few from his laptop before he’d trashed the thing. Out of fear. Paranoia too.

 

It was around the same time that his phone had returned to him under mysterious conditions, suddenly reappearing in his apartment as though it hadn’t been missing at all. He’d come home one day to find it sitting on his desk completely charged and unharmed.

Suga’s clutched the hem of his sweatshirt in a painful grip, images of what had happened in those few weeks flashing in his mind. Yukina visibly tensed beside him.

 

Now was not the time to remember those things.

 

It was around the same time he’d switched apartments. And then again when he’d met Yukina and the other had insisted they move in together. At some point he’d simply allowed his phone to die. It had become something akin to a burden for Suga, so he’d put it in a drawer to avoid the stress it brought him.

 

It didn’t really excuse the silent treatment he’d given Asahi when he’d kept regular contact with his parents.

 

“He was worried he’d done something to upset you when you wouldn’t respond to his messages.” His mother sighed. “Whenever he wanted to go see you, something would come up at work and keep him from going.”

 

Her joyous demeanor suddenly faded as she stopped what she was doing to look at her son, her eyes sad. Suga’s shoulders slumped a little under her gaze. Knowing she knew _something_ had happened in those couple of years he’d spent away from home. But not being able to put her finger on _exactly_ what. She’d known all along that something was wrong, probably. Especially when he’d insisted on staying at school for the holidays and he’d listen to her voice as it grew quiet on the phone. The worry evident in her tone.

 

“But…” her brows furrowed, “you…”

 

“Asahi didn’t do anything.” Suga said quietly, “I was going through a lot back then.”

 

“A lot…” she echoed as she moved to sit across from them. It was obvious she was trying to put the pieces together. Her next question was one he expected, “Is that why you lost so much weight? Why you only called a few times a week?”

 

Yukina glanced over as Suga answered, “stress and malnutrition, I guess. It just sort of all came off without me ever really realizing it.” He wanted to avoid the details for now. She didn’t need to know, not right away. It didn’t fully convince her, considering her expression, but she wouldn’t pry more than that with a stranger around.

  


Her eyes fell on Yukina and then on Suga, “you live together, right?”

 

The silveret found himself struggling to answer, not knowing if she suspected something else was going on between them, but Yukina was quick and his words as natural as water, “as an upperclassman, I wanted to make sure he didn’t fall into any bad habits and wanted to be sure he ate proper meals. We all know how much of a challenge that can be.”

 

He smiled over at Suga as he continued, “so I insisted he move in with me. To make it easier on the both of us... we take turns cooking.” Yukina’s shoulders lifted a little, “Ah. I pretty much own the apartment so there’s no worry there. He can stay with me for as long as he needs to since I’ll be in medical school for another couple of years.”

 

“My,” his mother smiled, “you’re a very generous person, aren’t you?”

 

“I’d like to think I am,” he laughed. “But really, having Koushi around is wonderful. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. He’s always looking out for our friends and ready to support them in their times of need… he’s truly amazing.” A look of embarrassment suddenly flashed across his features as he sat there and scratched the back of his head.

 

There was a brief moment where Suga’s mother said nothing, a surprised expression on her face as she looked at them.

Then the familiar, radiating smile Yukina loved so much, spread across her face, “Thank you, Sugimura- _kun_ …”

  


As they made their way down the road from Suga’s house, the silveret found himself glancing over at Yukina as they walked in step with one another. The remaining time at the breakfast table had been spent talking about random things such as what had happened in the few years he’d been gone and of the new or upcoming events happening. Then his mother had made jokes with Yukina and both had gotten together to tease him, to the point where he blushed and gently punched the other to stop with a small laugh.

It had almost felt like he was a part of the family, especially how Yukina so easily integrated himself and got along with Suga’s mother. His charming personality ensnaring yet another.

 

Sometimes it felt like he had no flaws.

 

Suga always found himself amazed by the other’s likeability. At first sight and when one spoke to him, there was absolutely nothing to hate or dislike. He just had a way with people and clicked with pretty much everyone. Even the most despisable of individuals ended up smiling around him. It was almost as though there was a constant aura of positive vibes radiating off him, drawing others to him.

 

But he was an actor. Yukina knew the way people functioned and crafted his mask to suit public taste, as Suga had discovered upon getting to know him following their first coffee date. What lay beneath all the charm was something he rarely allowed himself to show others.

 

At some point people had started putting him on a pedestal, rumours of his supposed perfection only making him more desirable among the student body. Desirable, but unreachable. No one had been ‘good’ enough and most turned themselves down without even getting to know him. This only spurred all kinds of insecurities in him when he realized he could never live up to their expectations. When they _did_ get to know him on a more intimate or personal level, they grew tired of him or were immediately disappointed by the lack of whatever it was they wanted most out of him.

 

Insecure. Doubtful. Afraid. Lonely.

 

It hadn't taken long for Suga to see this in him.

 

He was constantly surrounded by friends, but none of them knew him to the extent that Suga did now. They never bothered to look deeper than the surface. People only saw what they wanted to. Yukina, truthfully, was as ordinary a person as the next. He had his own problems to deal with and struggled in certain school subjects just like everyone else. Suga still recalled the utter look of defeat on the others face when he'd gotten a poor exam grade back after almost a week and a half of studying for it.

The sight of his boyfriend sitting on the floor with a blanket wrapped around himself and stuffing his face was one he was sure no one else had seen.

 

As they walked together, Suga realized he was lucky to have someone like Yukina in his life. That he genuinely loved the other and that he would be perfectly content with spending the rest of his life with him, if it ever got to that point.

A part of him would never be able to forgo the love he still held for Daichi…

 

“You’re staring.” Yukina remarked quietly as he slipped his hand into Suga’s, “am I _that_ beautiful to look at?” The hopeful look on his face made Suga snicker.

 

“ _Pest_.” He clicked his tongue. But he couldn’t help the smile that spread his lips, “thank you, Yukina.”

 

Rather than tease or joke him about it like he’d expected, the caramel-eyed man gave him a questioning look. “What for?” He asked as he stopped in his tracks, never letting go of Suga’s hand. “You’re the second person to thank me today.”

 

“For being you.” Was all that Suga answered as he tugged him along, resuming their walk to wherever.

  


Nishinoya Yuu had a habit of hanging around Asahi’s workplace whenever he wasn’t in school. The usual quiet atmosphere of the bakery became rowdy and lively as soon as the younger man popped in. The owners had come to appreciate his presence there and welcomed him with smiles. Nishinoya always stayed out of the way, despite his loud, boisterous, self.

 

When Asahi asked about why he came by so often, the younger claimed that there were no particular reasons for his excessive visits, he just liked being in a place that wasn’t crowded or full of young couples. According to him there were no places left on campus to study or peacefully sit around without being exposed to some major PDA.

 

That morning was no exception.

 

He sat near the back door on one of the empty flour barrels, hand tucked under his chin as he watched Asahi work. The previous ace was balancing a few trays to bring to the front while other employees rushed by with full hands, trying hard to get things done before opening. Mornings were always the busiest times. He didn’t really know how his friend could handle such high levels of stress.

 

But he supposed they dealt with worse back in the day. All kinds of stresses had haunted them in high school, giving them a better sense of how to deal with it when it came sneaking back.

 

Asahi leaned against the wall next to him some time later. “What’s up?”

 

“I might drop dead from my course load, but aside from that everything’s pretty chill.” Nishinoya grinned up at him. “What’s new with you?” Even though he dropped by every day or second day, there was always something to talk about. Even if Asahi didn’t have anything, he had a way of pulling a conversation out of Nishinoya. Sometimes he talked for hours.

 

Their conversation was cut short as someone called Asahi to the kitchen, yelling something about a loaf of bread burning. He was gone almost immediately without a second glance back at his friend. Nishinoya watched him go silently and turned his attention to where people walked by the alley he was sitting in. New faces. Familiar faces.  

 

A very familiar face passed. He rose to his feet with wide eyes, mouth hanging open as he took in the flash of silver hair. It had to be him. There was no way Nishinoya would make such a dumb mistake and hallucinate. He hadn’t seen the mole under his eye, but he just _knew_ it was Suga. The laugh and smile he heard and saw were unmistakable.

 

“ _Suga-san!_ ” he screamed running to the exit, “ _Suga-san!_ ” The other had to hear him. Even with the bustling crowds up and down the street. He had to have heard him.

 

He froze upon reaching the edge of the alley, watching as the person who was most certainly Suga, held the hand of a man Nishinoya really didn’t know. A very handsome man. He was tall, with layered shoulder-length dark brown hair and brown-caramel eyes. He was beaming down at Suga and excitedly pointed to something along the street. Nishinoya’s eyes were suddenly completely focused on his silver-haired friend.

 

He looked…

 

 _Shitty_.

 

Lack of a better word.

 

“Suga- _san!_ ” He called out, hoping to grab the other’s attention this time. It was the caramel-eyed stranger that noticed him first. Suga’s head whirled in Nishinoya’s direction seconds later.

 

“Nishinoya…” His voice was much quieter than the last time he’d heard it. Nishinoya noted the sickly pallor and weight loss as the other took hesitant steps towards him, flinching as the silver-haired man suddenly ripped his hand from his companion’s. He looked utterly uncomfortable.

 

Ashamed, even.

A little scared too.

 

Suga’s breath hitched a little at the sight of Asahi stepping into the clearing of the alley, quietly calling out for Nishinoya and wondering where he’d gone off to. Was there no end to the random run-ins?

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola~! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the latest chapter. More is coming in the next day or so, since I have multiple chapters written now and they just need editing. *A lot of editing since I write like a maniac at odd times of the day between work shifts... and sleep* 
> 
> I thought I'd share a tender moment between Yukina and Suga before they start meeting up with everyone. Which is when the drama will begin~ 
> 
> For those of you who might be worried, no. Suga isn't gonna die from *insert disease*.


	5. Cinnamon

Yukina couldn’t describe how he was feeling in those few seconds after Suga had unexpectedly torn his hand from his. The aftershock of it had sent the older of the two stumbling back a little as his face twisted. Shock? Hurt? Kind of felt like both but he couldn’t be sure. The pounding in his chest did little to help him decipher the swarming emotions as he watched Suga put significant distance between them and look away as if he were ashamed. Of them. Of himself. Either way it hurt in a way he couldn’t describe. 

 

He knew the other was uncomfortable with the idea of others knowing. This was especially true when it concerned the people he knew back in high school, although he doubted they would think badly of him because of his interest in the same gender. But he could understand how daunting a task it could be. Suga had already gone through a lot in the past couple of years, Yukina couldn’t bear to watch him be rejected by those he cherished. 

 

As the medical student recovered he glanced to where Suga’s two high school friends stood, their own faces a mixture of emotion as they took in the sight of their obviously changed Vice-captain. Neither seemed to know what they should say. Especially the taller one, considering he stood there completely petrified. 

 

Nishinoya only whispered, “Suga- _ san _ …” His eyes were wide as his mouth hung open, obviously his intention to speak his mind completely gone. The words just didn’t come to him. There were so many things that were different about the previous setter, just the way he stood wasn’t the same anymore. 

 

Suga found he couldn’t look Asahi in the eye as he stood there completely frozen. The other’s gaze was locked onto him but still he did not even look up. He couldn’t. Not after what he’d done to him and ignoring all his messages. A part of him almost wanted Asahi to punch him, to make him feel bad for what he’d done. 

Losing contact with someone was vastly different from ceasing contact. He’d purposely closed his phone and chosen to ignore all his text messages. While it had been to avoid someone… he could have very well switched numbers and given the other his new cell. 

 

But he’d been exhausted. 

And more than anything, he’d wanted to disappear. 

 

Yukina was utterly silent beside him, either not knowing what to say or realizing he had no place in all this. It  _ truly _ wasn’t his problem. It was Suga’s, one he needed to fix if he wanted to keep the friendship he had with the previous ace.  

 

“Asahi.” Suga chanced a look, meeting the other’s eyes and mumbling, “I… I know sorry won’t cut it.” 

 

“It won’t.” Agreed the other. His hands balled into fists, the anger showing in his features as he tried very hard to control himself. It didn’t take more than a few seconds before he was shouting, “Do you even  _ realize  _ what you put me through? The nights I sat there, regretting leaving you alone and wondering if you’d just gone off and…” 

 

“ _ Clearly _ ,” Suga squeezed his eyes shut as he noted how much the other trembled, maybe it was him, “I’m here. I didn’t disappear. I’m alive.”  

 

“I had to get news from your  _ mother _ !” Asahi’s hurt was evident in his expression, “your mother, Suga! After all that we went through together, you couldn’t message or call  _ me? _ ”  

 

Yukina nibbled the inside of his cheek as he watched Suga flinch and shrink back, almost closing himself off as he averted his gaze to the ground. It was true that it hadn’t been right of him to treat Asahi the way he had… but when Yukina thought back to all the things that had happened and the amount of stress he’d undergone, he couldn’t really blame Suga. Dealing with depression was a lengthy process. It wasn’t like Suga could wake up one day and decide everything was perfectly fine and good, it didn’t work that way. 

Each day in itself was a new challenge, a new slate and Yukina always advised the other to take one thing at a time. Never to look at the wide picture and try to take everything on. 

 

Recharging his phone had been one thing, one step. But opening it and checking the messages… Yukina knew he’d never done it. Suga had been too afraid of receiving the calls and messages from the man who’d assaulted him. Understandably so. 

 

Stepping around the seemingly retreating Suga, his hand hovering around the other’s elbow for reassurance, Yukina looked to Asahi with a small smile, hoping his distracting would allow a moment for Suga to collect himself, “I don’t know if you remember me, but I was at the hospital when you came by to pick up Suga.” 

 

“Ah,” the taller man nodded, vaguely recalling seeing him. Between all the nurses and doctors he remembered a young figure calmly explaining things to him. Although he didn’t really know what he was doing there in that exact moment. 

 

Nishinoya frowned as he turned to face Yukina. “ _ So _ ?” 

 

Yukina’s eyes remained focused on Asahi, “I kept an eye on him after you left when I realized we attended the same university.” the other tall man looked surprised as he looked between the two of them, eyes resting on Suga after a few seconds, “After a while we became friends. We’re roommates now, after I insisted we move in together… I don’t know if it reassures you, but Suga was never alone. I made sure he was always around me or people I knew.” 

 

Suga didn’t say anything as Asahi ran a hand through his hair, quietly mulling over the other’s words. People passing by couldn’t help but stare at the four of them and wonder about what was happening as the silence between them stretched awkwardly. Yukina realized at some point that he’d been holding his breath. 

The atmosphere grew tense as they stood there, people seemingly capable of feeling it as they averted their gazes elsewhere as they walked by. Some uttered worried comments, others just mumbled under their breath. Needless to say, they had drawn a significant amount of attention to themselves by standing there and not saying anything. 

  
  


“Want to sit somewhere?” Asahi asked after a while, looking at no one in particular before turning on his heel and leading the way. 

 

Nishinoya followed silently and stuffed his hands into his sweater pockets. Exchanging a series of quick looks, Suga and Yukina followed. Neither spoke to one another as they walked side-by-side. Idle chatter would only make things more awkward anyways. 

 

It took only a few minutes before they were settled down at a table and facing one another, the quaint little coffee shop empty save for them and a couple of people scattered about drinking their beverage of choice. Calm atmospheric music sounded in the background and Suga almost smiled at how soothing the whole place was. It almost reminded him of the café he’d frequented at the university when he’d wanted to study in a place besides the library. The interior was a significantly less modern and trendy, but offered the same kind of feeling as he looked around. 

 

As soon as they had ordered, their bubbly waitress telling them it would only be a moment before their drinks would be out, Suga looked to Asahi. The previous setter could still see the lingering hurt in his expression but it was evident the other was trying very hard to move past it. 

 

But he’d hurt him.

 

Suga had pushed Asahi away when the other had known that everything was far from being alright. He’d voiced his concerns on the day of his departure. Yet Suga had insisted because he hadn’t wanted to burden the other with his problems. They had been his to deal with. Alone. 

 

Obviously that hadn’t worked out too well. 

 

Now that Suga thought back on it, he knew he could have confided in the other. They  _ had  _ gone through a lot together. Everything from mild worries to confessing his feelings for Daichi, Asahi had listened to everything and offered his own viewpoint when Suga had asked. Or even when he didn’t. He’d always been there for him. Especially when things started going downhill in their last few months in the volleyball club. 

 

“I’m sorry, Asahi.” He said at last, hoping the sincerity got across to him. There were no other words that could describe how awful he felt for doing what he had. Not without making it sound like it was an excuse of some kind. “I was only thinking of myself back then. I didn’t even consider how anyone else might’ve felt…” 

 

Hearing the sorrow in his voice, Asahi reached across the table for Suga’s hands. It was meant to show his understanding of the sentiment as well as to reassure him that the anger had faded. Truthfully, he was just happy to see him after so long. There were so many times he’d felt angry with  _ himself  _ for leaving the other alone.

The previous ace inwardly flinched at how small the other’s hands felt between his, so thin and fragile. Almost as if they were made of porcelain. It brought tears to his eyes as he held them there, wondering what terrible things his friend had suffered all alone.  

 

But wanting to make the situation lighter, considering all the tension building between them, he smiled and squeezed the other’s hands one last time. There was no reason to be angry. Suga was alive and breathing. He didn’t look like himself, but with time he was sure he’d return to some kind of normalcy. 

 

“I’m really glad you’re here, Suga.” Asahi whispered a few seconds later. “I really missed having you around…”

 

Nishinoya wasted no time in joining the hand holding, shoving his own into the pile with a wide smile, “I think  _ ‘we _ _ ’  _ missed you is the better thing to say, it wasn’t the same without our setter here. We had to listen to a whole year’s worth of groaning when Hinata complained about not having you and Daichi around more.”

 

Ah, so Daichi  _ had  _ gone through with his plans of attending a university in another prefecture. Suga knew he’d been on the fence about it before they’d had their arguments. His intention, when they had been friends, had been to attend the same school as Suga. It had only seemed natural up to that point in their lives since they’d done everything together. 

But that hadn’t happened and instead he’d ruined everything because of his own selfishness. 

The other had gone off and accepted his admission to some big university following graduation, knowing the silverette would never follow him there. 

 

“I’m surprised you didn’t end up going to the same university,” admitted Nishinoya with a frown, “you were always so close in high school.” Asahi visibly stiffened beside him. 

 

“People change, I guess. We had different goals...” Suga eyed his cappuccino as it was set on the table in front of him, relishing the scent of cinnamon. It put him at ease somehow, the pleasant whiff of the spice. 

 

It was Daichi who’d started putting cinnamon on Suga’s coffee. At first it had been a mistake when the previous captain had spilled a whole bunch of it in while trying to sprinkle some on his own. Even though he’d offered to get Suga another, the setter had taken it with a chuckle and joked about the other owing him a life-time of coffee if it wasn’t good. 

 

It had been one of the worst coffees he’d ever had in his life. 

But he’d insisted on having the spice sprinkled, with reason, on his warm drinks from then on.

 

Although it hadn’t been subtle the first time, the lingering taste of cinnamon warmed him to the core. It reminded him of the Daichi he had come to love more than anyone in the whole wide world. Of the silly captain who spent far too much time devoted to his teammates, overlooking his own well being in order to ensure that everyone else was alright and enjoying themselves. The taste made Suga remember all those times the other had smiled and spent time with him, all those warm moments that seemed like forever ago.  

 

Asahi ran a finger along the rim of his mug, “I heard he’s here.” 

 

Nishinoya offered the ace a curious look, “Daichi- _ san _ ?” 

 

“His parents passed by the bakery yesterday to pick up a large order. They’re having some kind of celebration I think.” He explained, eyes rising to meet Suga’s from across the table. “I assume it means he’s coming back.” 

 

Suga didn’t say anything about passing Daichi that very morning at the train tracks as he brought the cup up to his lips. It would only bring about more questions and he wasn’t really in the mood to answer. Without a doubt one of them would ask the reason why he hadn’t stayed to talk to the other. He wouldn’t really have an answer for that anyway, he didn’t know why he’d run. 

His mind chose to remain focused on what the other had just said, a celebration? He wondered what about. It didn’t seem unusual for parents to celebrate the return of their child… perhaps they were having a party to congratulate Daichi on graduating from university? 

 

“We should get the team back together!” Nishinoya exclaimed suddenly, the excitement evident in his voice as he beamed. “Everyone else is pretty much in town. Since our Captain and Vice-cap are here, no reason why we shouldn’t right?”

 

Asahi genuinely wanted to punch the short man beside him for that uncontrollable mouth of his. It wasn’t his fault, however, considering he didn’t know half the issues between Suga and Daichi. No one did. Kageyama had had his suspicions and voiced them to Asahi, but the ace had never broken his promise. He’d stayed silent about it all. Suga had begged him to and he would never go against his word, not after knowing the silverette for so many years. 

He probably knew most of Suga’s secrets, or rather, the ones up until the end of high school. Anything after was a mystery to him. The incident that led to Suga’s hospitalization was still a big blank page in his mind… but he didn’t want to pressure his friend. He knew it was something bad and that he didn’t want to talk about it. 

 

Getting the team back together would either go splendidly, or terribly. Asahi wasn’t sure his stomach could take it if it went badly. Not that he thought Daichi would make a spectacle of it. He’d either refuse to meet with the team or act formally-normal around Suga, just as the latter would, to make it seem alright. Like they had in the last few weeks of high school. 

“I dunno,” Asahi scratched the back of his head, “I’m super busy with work lately. Suga, you probably need to head back to university soon right?” 

 

“Aw, come on!” Nishinoya pouted a little and shot the ace a pointed look, “you told me yesterday you’ve got the next few  _ days  _ off!” 

 

Suga glanced at Yukina while the other two bickered back and forth, silently looking for guidance. He didn’t know what to do. Not when it came to Daichi. Would meeting him for real really help him? Yukina always told him it would be among one of the easier monsters to face, the worst being his assaulter. By taking the step and meeting with the captain he could maybe fix things so that they either parted as good friends or distant acquaintances. 

 

Yukina’s expression told him that there would be no way to avoid it. The time was now.

 

And that he’d be there with him if he needed him to be. 

 

Suga smiled, discreetly reaching for his boyfriend’s hand under the table, and turned to the others in time to say, “I think it’d be fun. Let’s do it.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wahoo~   
> Sorry for the late-ish chapter. I took a bit longer with this one (I'm a little disappointed with how short it turned out to be after working on it) since I'm heading back to the city for university myself.   
> But have no fear, I will not leave you all. I will continue with updates as frequently as possible! 
> 
> Anywho, I hope you enjoyed and continue reading along~   
> Next chapter will be another interlude, in which we will meet "Hide".   
> Following chapter will be the reunion with the team *woo!*


	6. Interlude 2

Before he'd realized it, the habit had already begun to stick. He wasn't entirely sure  _ when _ it had started in the first place or under  _ what  _ condition… The relief it brought him was divine, though, especially when he found himself tipping dangerously off the edge between reality and fantasy. But it was a terrible habit and one he wasn’t entirely sure he could weave himself out of doing. Nor was he all that proud about what he was doing. The reality of it was serious. It was probably a much bigger problem than he let on, or even realized himself. 

But it was too late to drag him out of it. 

There was something oddly fascinating about watching the way his blood misted in the bath water and made everything smell like rusted iron. Dragging the razor across his skin stung, automatically making him flinch, but he soon stopped feeling the pain after so many times. His skin almost welcomed the sharp metal.  Suga found himself in awe most of the time as he sat there until the water ran from boiling to cold. 

 

No one knew. By that point, Suga knew how to properly wrap and treat his arms to avoid infection. If anyone saw under the sleeve of his usual cardigan, they didn’t say anything. All his supposed friends never mentioned anything either. Suga liked to believe that he was getting good at telling lies whenever someone asked about his wellbeing and didn’t push the matter when he told them he was fine. 

 

It was a little while after the incident and Asahi’s departure that Suga returned one day to discover his phone perfectly placed on his desk. It was a quiet afternoon when he trudged into his abnormally warm apartment to finish off his assignments due much later in the term. Getting them over with beforehand seemed like a smarter way to spend his free time, rather than wasting away in a café for hours getting nothing done and blankly staring at a menu of coffee options or alternatives.   

Almost as though it hadn’t moved at all in the few weeks it had disappeared, Suga discovered it by his notebooks and papers. For a brief moment, the silverette wondered if he  _ had  _ in fact forgotten about it and left it there without realizing. But he quickly recalled cleaning the surface first when he’d returned from the hospital looking for it. He’d gone through everything and emptied all his bags in search of it, even going as far as returning to the club and bar he’d been at to look through their lost and founds.

Nothing had been found. No cell phone. Even when he asked if any had turned up, it had been from a long time ago and most had been thrown away or taken home by someone. Suga had pretty much given up all hope at that point, knowing the chances of him finding his phone again would be slim. But to his utter surprise, his phone hadn’t completely disappeared into the void forever. It had come back to him.

In the most mysterious of ways.

Staring as he took hesitant steps forward, he wondered just  _ how  _ it had gotten there. The landlord wouldn’t have let anyone else in without permission… and the landlord most definitely wouldn’t have found it and realized it was his. Not without his passcode. It was one of those new high tech touch screen ones everyone raved about when it came out and got bored of when the next best thing came out. Thus, slightly outdated but still trendy and expensive enough to worry about if lost or stolen.

Eyes glued to the sight of it, his heart almost exploded out of his chest as the text tone sounded in the silence of his apartment and echoed off the walls. It was almost eerie as he stopped in front of it and stared down.

_ 1 New Message from H! _

No one else had sent him a message in the few weeks that had passed? Suga unlocked the screen, slowly dragging his finger across and typing in the numbers of his password in. It was all so nerve-wracking as he pressed for his messages and waited for them to load.

_ I thought I’d give this back to you.  _ - _ H _

Who…was H? Suga didn’t know anyone who went by the single letter of ‘H’. He tilted his head slightly, a frown on his face as he thought back to all the people he’d met or quickly introduced himself to in the hallways or class. No one came to mind. And lately, he seemed to clearly remember people’s names and faces.

_ 1 New Message From H! _

The text tone made him jump. Another message? His eyes lowered to the screen again.

_. _

_. _

_. _

_ Not going to say thank you? Tsk Tsk.  _ - _ H _

Suga felt himself shiver as he finally recognized the sender, especially the tone of voice being used, despite not really knowing the sender’s name. It was…

He swallowed the lump rising in his throat as reality quickly dawned on him. Or came crashing down on him, actually. There was no way he couldn’t feel nervous after everything that had happened. In a single night, Suga’s world had changed.  The one person he  _ never  _ wanted to see again, besides Daichi, was messaging him.

_ 1 New Message From H! _

He wanted to squeeze his eyes shut and pretend as though there wasn’t anything there.

_. _

_. _

_. _

_ Naughty, naughty.  _ - _ H _

Suga didn’t know how much longer he could bear it, so he shakily worked on typing something back.

_ Thanks for returning my phone. _

_ Please don’t contact me again or I will get the authorities involved. _

There was a long while Suga believed the other would message him back with some kind of threat but nothing ever came. Walking from one end of his apartment to the other, phone in hand, he never let his eyes stray from the dark screen. He practically waited all night to hear the familiar ring of his phone but it remained utterly silent. Normally one would take this to be a good sign. He should’ve. 

Somehow it only made him more nervous as time dragged on. 

He couldn’t help running his fingers along the healing scabs on his arms, nails catching on pieces of skin and tugging the wounds slightly. A part of him considered giving in and scratching them… 

But he didn’t. 

 

His phone was the first thing he checked when he opened his eyes the next morning, having fallen asleep at some point clutching it in his hand. Cramped fingers didn’t even make him flinch as he hastily checked for any new messages and rolled off the edge of his bed. No new messages. Suga didn’t know if he felt relieved at all. In the back of his mind, something told him the sender was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. At any given moment he could find him and… 

 

He didn’t bother showering that morning. Or changing his clothes. 

 

Walking to school had never felt so nerve-wracking. He felt all eyes on him as he made his way along the path, despite knowing no one was  _ really  _ looking at him intentionally. They were nothing more than the passing glances of others not knowing where to look as they too made their way to work or school. But they were enough to make his heart race in the bad way. And to make him look over his shoulder. 

 

Vibration. Text tone.

 

Suga froze on the spot. Others mumbled under their breath about him being in the way before grumpily pushing past him to go on. The young freshman found he couldn’t take a single step forward as his hands fumbled for his cardigan pocket to retrieve the cell phone. He didn’t know what to expect. The possibility of it being a regular message from his parents or friends was high… 

 

His eyes slowly focused on the screen. 

 

_ 1 New Message From H! _

 

_ You look so worried today, Koushi. Relax. - H _

 

Suga swallowed as he typed a message back, his whole body shaking. No one stopped to ask if anything was alright. Even as a small sob escaped his lips. No one. No one looked at him. 

But he felt a pair of eyes out there somewhere looking his way. Watching. He quickly wrote back asking for the other to stop. It felt like such a weak plea, but he crossed his fingers as he sent it. 

 

_ You lied to the police didn’t you? - H _

_. _

_. _

.

_ What do you mean? - S _

.

.

.

_ To avoid any kind of word getting out, you told the police you didn’t remember anything. You don’t want to be branded. - H _

.

.

.

_ Stay out of my life. You’ve ruined it enough. I’m sincerely asking you… I won’t press charges or anything. Just leave me alone. - S _

.

.

.

_ I’ll make it up to you. - H _

 

What did that mean? Suga waited and waited for the reply to his question but nothing came and he was once more left standing in the darkness. Unaware of what would come next. The other’s message haunted his mind for the rest of the day as he merely sat in his classes, blankly staring down at the desk in front of him and not saying a word. 

 

He  _ had  _ lied to the police and claimed he didn’t remember who he’d been with or what he’d done. Only that he remembered waking up in an alleyway in pain. They had only vaguely been aware of everything that had happened to him that one night, but without the exact details from Suga… there was nothing they could do. Even if they had evidence, without Suga’s desire to press charges there was very little they could do about the whole matter. 

 

What was the point of pressing charges, anyway? It would only attract attention. The bad kind, considering the victim and assaulter had been of the same sex. Suga didn’t need that kind of stigma in his life. If he pressed charges, the story would haunt him for the rest of his life. However long  _ that  _ would be. 

His parents would undoubtedly become aware if he decided to take legal actions. Their inevitable shame would only crush him further, the guilt of what had happened that night was already enough to bear. He knew having them being disappointed in him would make it all so much worse. 

 

“Sugawara?”

 

He glanced up at Kanzaki, the boy’s big eyes staring right into his own. The concern was evident in his young features as he reached out for the silverette. He was a business major as well and often organized study groups or begged Suga for tutoring. Someone, Suga supposed, he could call a friend. 

Kanzaki drew back as soon as Suga flinched. 

 

“You’ve been really jumpy and absent these past few days.” Remarked the other, “you doing ok? Your colour doesn’t look good.” 

 

“I think I’m catching a cold,” Suga lied. “I’ve had the chills all week.”

 

Kanzaki offered him a dubious look, likely seeing right through the lie as a trickle of sweat made its way down Suga’s forehead. It was actually boiling. Everyone was complaining about the heat, and there he was wearing a thick cardigan and sweating right through it. There  _ was  _ a reason for that though. No one was going to buy his story of maybe having a cold. He couldn’t even convince himself. 

Suga opened his mouth to speak but the words didn’t come. He felt trapped all of a sudden. What could he tell the other? Really? That he was  _ raped  _ and his life was going down the drain because his assaulter was now suddenly his stalker? 

 

There was no way anyone would help him. Why would they? He’d been stupid enough to let someone take advantage of him when he’d been drunk out of his mind. 

 

“I need to go.” Was all he said as he stood up abruptly, startling everyone around him. 

 

“ _ Oi! _ Sugawara!” Kanzaki called after him, but he didn’t dare look back. He didn’t even listen as he pushed through the crowds in the hallways.

 

It was from that point on Suga found himself in and out of awareness, as well as school, and days quickly went by. He avoided any social interaction with Kanzaki. Actually, he avoided the boy at all costs, even the class he took with him. 

  
  
  
  


It was a stormy afternoon when Suga discovered a package on his desk in the dark apartment he called home, the small brown box wrapped with a simple black ribbon. He’d just come back from a three hour lecture and wanted nothing more than to sleep until the next morning, when he’d begin his last paper before exams. 

There was nothing threatening about it. However, it looked oddly out of place among his messy papers and books strewn about the table. He didn’t really know what to think as he approached to pick it up. All that he knew was that it did not belong to him originally. 

 

_ “I’ll make it up to you _ .” He whispered under his breath, weighing the little parcel with wonder in his hands. It was pretty light. 

 

Like a feather. It was probably something like a necklace.

 

He was somehow accustomed to hearing the particular text tone he’d given ‘H’. The familiar tri-tone  _ ding _ ,  _ ding, ding,  _ never failed to make his heart skip a few beats. Reaching into his pocket he pulled his phone out to read the message. 

 

_ I thought of you when I saw this. Please wear it. - H _

 

Suga tugged on the black silky ribbon until it gave way and was undone, freeing the flaps of the box so that he could carefully lift the lid to reveal whatever was inside. He knew he shouldn’t open it. Opening it meant he was accepting whatever the other was trying to do to him. But curiosity got the better of him as he peered inside. 

 

It  _ was  _ a necklace. He’d figured as much. 

The sight of the ring attached almost made him hurl.

 

_ A promise. - H _

 

Normally one would report the fact that someone broke into their apartment. It definitely seemed like the  _ normal  _ thing to do. The smartest thing to do. But Suga found it a difficult subject to approach when his landlord came around, eyes wandering his apartment in a way that made the younger think something was up. Did he know ‘H’? The man would linger in the doorway and stare at the pile of boxes Suga had accumulated from all the gifts. Almost as though he were checking them. He’d never say anything about the trashy look of them sitting by his door. 

As soon as Suga announced his intention to move he was met with a lot of opposition on the matter. 

 

Weeks continued going by, painfully slow, and the young man found himself more and more disturbed when he came home to a new gift on his desk. The objects ranged from random trinkets to flowers and were always accompanied by a signature text from ‘H’. Suga ceased opening the boxes and answering the messages, in some attempt to keep what was left of his sanity. But the longer it all went on, the harder it became for him. 

He didn’t know who to turn to. Asahi sent messages, some of which Suga answered at the beginning but eventually he blocked the other. He blocked everyone. 

Who knew ‘H’? Who didn’t? 

 

Changing his phone seemed like a good place to start. He told himself, often, that he would go but never got around to it. 

 

Even though the lease was far from being done, Suga insisted the distance between the apartment and school was getting to be too much of a hassle and he didn’t mind paying any kind of penalty. He really didn’t have the finances to move into another place… but he’d find a way if it meant getting out of the situation with ‘H’. Suga knew he’d have to find a couple of jobs if he wanted to. 

But the landlord was adamant about keeping him there.

 

_ Do you know the landlord in my building? -S _

 

Suga waited but realized the other probably wouldn’t answer such a forward question. It would entail pushing the landlord under the bus and if they were friends, it wasn’t something someone would do. 

As expected, nothing came and Suga was left alone for a couple of days following. He still fully intended to move out of the apartment to be able to have some kind of peace of mind.  

 

Walking from his apartment to the local cafe, Suga never actually expected to run into ‘H’. There were plenty of other students and customers around to keep Suga hidden from view but the other stood out like a sore thumb, with all the tattoos and piercings. If Suga didn’t know any better, he would’ve said the other had gotten more in the time they’d been apart. Everything about ‘H’ was trendy looking. His clothes were of the newest styles and of the top brands out there, even the jewelry adorning his fingers and neck were expensive.

He was sitting at a table all alone, staring down at his phone in mild interest as he took a sip from his coffee mug. His black hair hung loosely forward, shaved on one side, tied very loosely on the back of his head.  _ That  _ had changed since Suga had last seen him. 

 

His dark eyes remained focused on the screen in his hands as the student walked closer to the cash. He  _ was  _ an attractive man, no doubt about that. If he hadn’t done what he’d done to Suga then the younger might’ve considered dating him… 

_ But _ … 

His expression twisted as he stopped next to the cash, glancing for a brief second in the other’s direction, before focussing on the menu above him. The cashier was smiling at him the entire time as she seemingly eagerly waited for his order. Suga tried his hardest to remain unnoticeable as he quietly ordered something to go. Latte with cinnamon. The waiting counter seemed even closer to ‘H’, Suga prayed the other wouldn’t see him. 

 

Obviously that wouldn’t work in his favour. 

 

“Ah, I thought you’d swing by here at some point.” The black-haired man stood up and languidly slipped out from his chair to reach for Suga. Feeling his neck hairs prickle a little, the young freshman couldn’t help but note the predatoriness in the other’s movements. 

 

He stepped back, “I’m heading out actually. I have to collect material for a class.” A lie. It was a common excuse to get himself out of sticky situations, normally it worked, but the other didn’t seem to understand the silent underlying message that Suga wanted to go alone. 

 

“I’ll come with,” ‘H’ grinned, exposing his perfect teeth. “Sitting here alone is always boring.” 

 

“I’d rather you didn’t.” Suga admitted. “We’re not really friends, you and I.” 

 

“How ‘bout I walk you to wherever you’re going and leave you from there?” The other suggested. “Promise I’ll leave you alone after.” 

 

The silverette was rather desperate to leave as quickly as possible so he found himself nodding and hurried out with his coffee once it was done. ‘H’ followed and waved to someone behind the cash before heading out the same door as Suga. Obviously that meant he had to avoid that particular coffee shop from now on. He kept up with freshman’s swift pace and shoved his hands in his pant pockets when they stopped at a street corner and waited for the light to change to the walking signal. 

 

Suga realized this would be among the only opportunities to ask, “what’s your name?” 

 

“Gonna press charges against me?” The other raised a curious brow, likely trying to be playful. Suga didn’t answer as he looked away. He wasn’t at all impressed or interested in playing games. After a few moments and a glance his way, the other said, “Okazaki, Hideki. I’m twenty-four.”

 

Hideki, huh? Suga kept his pace up as he made his way towards the library. The building was seemingly miles away as he twisted down multiple paths and still couldn’t see it in the distance. He didn’t really have to go collect material for class but it was a better idea to go there rather than his apartment. It was safer for him. He knew what the other was capable of and just how strong he truly was when it came down to it. Suga knew he couldn’t fight him. 

He wasn’t really sure what would happen if he found himself in the same position again. 

 

“I know…  _ shitty  _ things happened.” Hideki began slowly, tongue clicking, “I know what I did to you was wrong.” His dark eyes dashed about the area, his face flushing. 

 

“It goes a little beyond  _ wrong _ .” Suga snapped a moment later, “you  _ raped  _ me.” He looked around to make sure no one actually turned their head in his direction, overhearing their conversation. People didn’t even flinch as they continued on their way. Oblivious to whatever was happening between the two men. 

 

Hideki made a move to grab for his arm but Suga yanked hard to free himself of the touch, “I know I’m the last person you want to see. But I really do want to apologize for what I did.” 

 

“Apologize and leave then.” The silverette felt his lower lip tremble as he stopped in front of the other, his eyes refusing to meet the darker-haired of them. “Disappear from my life after. Stop sending me messages. Stop sending  _ things _ .  _ Let me go _ .” 

 

The man’s next words winded him. 

 

“I don’t want to.” Hideki frowned, turning to face him, “I don’t want to let you go. I…” 

 

His stomach clenched in a way that had him doubling over, ready to puke at any given moment. He didn’t want to hear anything else from Hideki. Not a single word. Anything else and he would surely start screaming right then and there. Suga shut his eyes as he waited for the nausea to subside and settle down. Whether the other said anything or not, the younger chose to block out any words that might’ve been said. 

He wasn’t sure how Hideki could think there was any way they had a chance. Not after what had happened between them. In another life maybe. But not this one. He’d ruined any and all chances and burned all bridges.  

 

“Just leave me alone…” Suga earnestly begged the other. “I’m tired of living my life on eggshells, looking behind my back not knowing if you’re there or not…” 

 

Suga realized suddenly, he was  _ very  _ tired. Was it of school or life? He didn’t really know. It wasn’t like he had to try hard in class and tests anymore. Not when he did all his assignments early and avoided actual classes. Must be life. 

It was difficult to get up in the morning. Even harder to get out the door when all he wanted to do was sit on the couch and waste the day away staring down at the floor. He’d done that many times. More times than he liked to admit. It seemed like such a waste…  _ he  _ was a waste. He was taking up space in this world. 

Was it even worth continuing… was it worth living out the rest of his life this way? 

 

“Think about it.” Hideki murmured, “I’ll be back.” 

 

The whole weight of what the other said didn’t hit Suga until he’d walked off and turned around another corner out of sight. It was almost terrifying because he knew where the freshman lived. Suga stopped in his tracks and felt the air leave his body completely. He almost wished he could suffocate right there. It would be far better than returning to his apartment where he’d most likely end up meeting Hideki… 

 

He spent an extra long time picking out books he didn’t need that afternoon. So long, it got dark out and he was asked to leave by one of the patrolling security guards. The empty look on Suga’s face wasn’t enough to convince the other to let him stay. He wasn’t sure begging would work. The older man looked sympathetic as he followed the boy out, telling him to get a lot of rest as he locked the door behind Suga. 

Suga realized he’d absentmindedly picked out six books he didn’t actually need during all that time. None of them had anything to do with what he was studying. Or needed to. They touched all kinds of subjects, though. 

He made all kinds of stops on the way back to his apartment, just to kill time. Or maybe it was to avoid the darkness of his apartment. He stopped to stash the books into his mostly abandoned locker and then for a cup of coffee he didn’t really need. Everything to not be home, where he knew the other would be waiting for him. Hideki. As he sat in a new café, sipping his coffee, he felt the dread settle in him. It made his stomach clench and twist in ways that were most uncomfortable. 

 

On the way back, he wondered what would happen once he reached his destination. Should he warn someone? Asahi? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d sent his friend a message. Nor  _ any  _ of his friends. But it wasn’t like they had tried to contact him either. 

...Or had they? Had Suga been so caught up in his own world and failed to notice? It seemed whenever he checked his phone it was Hideki messaging him. Everyone else felt like they were a whole world away now. Had that been the other’s mission? To isolate Suga from everything? 

 

“ _ Sorry _ !” Suga flinched as someone ran into his side, “I didn’t see you there! Ah…”

 

He didn’t even bother saying anything as he continued walking away, but his eyes briefly rose to meet dark-caramel ones. They seemed familiar but Suga didn’t really care anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. The other lingered, from what Suga could see in the corner of his eye, staring after him. His friends were seemingly worried as they nudged him to start moving again. 

Suga disappeared around a corner. 

 

Only to drag himself up the stairs leading to his apartment. Each step was heavy and required more effort than necessary, the young man found himself struggling. To walk. To breathe. He felt himself choking back on the sobs threatening to escape his lips.

He was afraid. So, very afraid of not knowing what was waiting for him. 

 

The answer came soon enough, Suga stopped dead in his tracks as he came face to face with Hideki again. 

 

“I told you I’d be back.” The smile on his face was far from the one Suga had found seductive in the club. It made him want to claw his own eyes out. The other man advanced slowly and reached out for the younger. 

 

Suga didn’t fail to notice the ring on his finger.

 

_ A promise.  _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! With more drama ;D  
> Well... sorta.   
> More backstory on Suga and... Hideki! It might be an unpleasant chapter and a little boring/dull... but it was necessary to include it, in my opinion. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed anyways!  
> Check out the Pinterest board for Crow's Call! I'll send you the link if you want~   
> You can see what I imagine Yukina looks like *u*


	7. He Doesn't Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends~!  
> Long time no see! Here I am with an update (woo!)  
> I am super happy to be getting back into my writing after almost burning out at school ; u;  
> I'm lucky enough to have caught myself right before it got ten times worse and I would've had to drop all my courses. 
> 
> Anywho, my updates should be relatively regular from this point on!  
> I've had this chapter in the editing stage for the LONGEST time... like, annoyingly long. The next one is a mess of words so it needs to be fixed too. Hopefully I can work on that one a bit faster haha
> 
> Enjoy the chapter! I'm keeping Daichi away for another one!

What should he do?

Suga must have asked himself this aloud, because the next thing he knew Yukina was answering him.

 

“You don’t have to push yourself.” He whispered from his place on the floor futon, back facing Suga, “you don’t have to go.”

 

The words were spoken so simply and so quietly in the darkness of their shared bedroom. Suga felt the drumming in his ears fade as his mouth hung open. He was at a loss with his words. He didn’t know what to say as he stared at his boyfriend’s back, wondering if the other would be disappointed in him if he really did decide to go back on his promise to his high school friends. They’d gotten used to him declining invitations to events… what difference would one more time make?

Sure, they’d be disappointed in him. They’d probably ask for a reason or two and he’d easily be able to dodge the matter once the week was over. At that point, he’d return to his ordinary life. He wouldn’t see anyone from high school for a very long time.

 

Suga blinked. He knew he’d disappoint Nishinoya if he didn’t go. The shorter had been so keen on getting the team back together, the excitement difficult to miss in his eye when he started sending messages when they’d left the cafe. Asahi looked happy too. He’d never force Suga to go, but the smile on his face would definitely make the setter feel bad if he didn’t.

The others would certainly share the same sentiments. Suga liked to think that he’d been close enough with the others to know that they’d also feel overjoyed at the idea getting the team back together again. There was something absolutely exhilarating about standing behind the net and staring across to the opposing team…

 

The young man closed his eyes.

 

He didn’t know if he could face Daichi after so many years of hopelessly pining after him.  

After so many years of silence, following all his mistakes that led to the destruction of their friendship, how would he face that person again?

 

What would Daichi have to say to him after so long? It seemed stupid to think that they’d have a normal conversation like nothing had ever happened. A little naive of him to think everything would be normal.

 

Suddenly craving to be closer to Yukina, Suga slipped from the sheets of his bed and onto the plush futon Yukina rested on. The other welcomed him immediately by flipping over and wrapping his arms around Suga’s thin frame. There was nothing more comforting, Suga felt completely safe in the man’s embrace.

 

“I don’t know what to do.” Suga admitted in a low whisper a few moments later. Tears formed in the corner of his eyes as he gripped the man’s shirt, crumpling the loose material between his fingers, “I’m scared of facing him.”

 

Yukina cupped the younger’s face, thumb swiping the accumulating tears. He could never truly relate to the man he loved, no matter how hard he tried. The feeling of being judged for who he truly was… Yukina more or less understood _that_. But he didn't know what it'd be like to face a childhood friend he might've had feelings for. There were no connections he’d ever felt towards his own friends that would’ve resulted in such a way.

 

“If he’s really your friend,” Yukina murmured, “he’ll come around.”

 

A bitter laugh escaped Suga’s lips. “I doubt hearing his best friend loved him in high school will make him want to spend time with me.”

 

“You could be surprised.” The other gave him a gentle squeeze before falling silent.  

 

Knowing the other had a chance of being right, Suga didn't say anything and lay there thinking to himself for a long while. There was no point in arguing about it when he didn't really know how Daichi would react in the end. Although he suspected the worst, he wanted to be somewhat optimistic about it and believe his friend really would…would, what?

 

What did Suga want…?

Forgiveness…?

Or…?

 

His eyes rose to Yukina’s face. The other had closed his some time ago and soft breath escaped his lips, Suga knew he was fast asleep. He was glad to see him resting so much for once. The tired look in the other’s eyes had disappeared in just a few days. It seemed he spent so many hours studying and volunteering usually during the school year, he practically inhaled coffee in order to stay awake. Suga often found he was more worried about Yukina than himself. The medical student rarely slept a full night. Despite having an apartment near school and work, he remained reading his notes late into the evenings. Often times he’d sit in their bed and wait for Suga to fall asleep before slipping out to continue with his work.  

 

He was always considerate of Suga. There was no doubt in his mind when it came to his feelings about the older man. He _loved_ Yukina. But Suga always felt guilty, knowing he could never fully shake off his affection for Daichi. It was impossible. And the medical student had accepted that fact over and over, much to the silveret's utter disbelief.

Yukina had never asked him to forget nor to love him more. Jealousy was not in his nature.  

 

But Suga knew the other worried about losing him. By now, after a few years of dating, he’d gained much insight into the other’s insecurities and fears. Yukina kept most of them to himself but the younger saw those brief glances when they quietly sat together. He knew the other wondered about the day they’d go their separate ways… he worried Suga had grown tired of him, all things the silveret had genuinely pondered himself but realized would never happen.  

 

He didn’t want to leave Yukina. Not ever.

 

“Love you.” He snuggled into the man’s chest, a smile spreading his lips.

 

Yukina still had his arms wrapped around him, hugging him tighter, he whispered, “love you more.”

 

“I love you most.” The silveret closed his eyes, praying his dreams would be pleasant for that evening.

 

_Sugawara Koushi stood near the windows staring down into the school courtyard. He was trying very hard to blink back tears threatening to spill at any given moment. It was the fifth time in two weeks that he’d fought with Daichi over something and he really couldn’t remember what it was about. All their fights were over something trivial. But Suga knew he could never directly address the issues he wanted to with his best friend…_

 

_Not without revealing everything. There was a part of him he really wanted to keep hidden from friends and family…_

 

_At some point while he’d been lost in thought, Asahi had settled next to him. He was facing towards the hall where students were busy attending clubs and filling the immediate area with laughter. Suga glanced at his friend through glassy eyes. It seemed like the taller teen had become his pillar of support since the beginning of his fights with Daichi. Probably because Suga had been his support for so long as well…_

_Asahi had his arms crossed over his chest and a serious look on his face. Suga knew how much he hated being between them. It was practically written across his face whenever he listened. But he’d known the silver-haired teen far longer than Daichi, having gone to the same elementary and middle school._

 

_“You’re skipping again.” Suga bit his lip, nodding. He’d been skipping out a lot in recent weeks and making all kinds of excuses for his absences. The ace clenched his fist, “you’re not helping yourself if you avoid him.”_

 

_“I’m guessing he isn’t happy about that, right?”_

 

_“Not in the least bit pleased.” The taller sighed, “he told me to come get you before practice starts but I’m assuming you aren’t coming.”_

 

_“I need to focus on school.” He’d been adamant about staying in the volleyball club and had forced the other third-years, in some way, to stay too. But there he was running away like a baby making excuses about suddenly being worried about his grades. When had he ever had to worry? Despite all the drama, he hadn’t once fallen from his place as a top student. His parents were firm about it and constantly hammered it into his mind; he had to be the best. Being on the high honours list was necessary for him to be accepted into college._

 

_Asahi didn’t even look convinced, “we all know how smart you are. Daichi is second when it comes to good grades.” The tall teen turned to him, “please don’t run away.”_

_But Suga merely turned away in the opposite direction, leaving his friend calling after him. Asahi wouldn’t drag him against his will…_

 

_Matters only got worse when the silveret walked home later that evening. He hadn’t even noticed the time when he’d looked up from his textbook and realized the volleyball club would be ending right when the library would close._

_Of course, on the way home, he’d run into the one person he didn’t want to see. Even if he wanted to, avoiding him was impossible when they lived in the same direction. There weren’t many alternative roads to take either. Suga braced himself as the other’s figure grew closer and closer._

 

_Daichi was angry._

 

 _“I don’t even want an explanation.” The captain glared down at the ground, “I know you’re just going to lie to me.” Suga didn’t say anything in his defence. He probably_ would _lie about where he would be and about what he’d be doing.  “You better be at practice tomorrow.”_

 

_And trying very hard to contain that anger. Suga noted the way the other’s hands were trembling as they balled into fists. It was the first time he’d seen the other so mad about something. Losing brought on a feeling of sadness, disappointment, and anger… but Daichi was seeing red more than anything else._

 

_Suga’s next words only seemed to make him hurt the other. “You don’t really need me there.”_

 

_He might’ve been the vice-captain, the support for everyone, but he felt inadequate in comparison to his teammates. The occasional practice game he’d get the chance to play out his role but most of the time he sat on the bench and watched. He’d come to terms with that long ago, Kageyama was superior when it came to playing the real games. But the feeling of disappointment had been hard to deny._

_It was all just an excuse, though. Suga really just wanted to avoid the captain as much as possible and he was desperately scavenging for any reason to give._

 

_“Is this about you not playing?” Daichi wondered in disbelief, tilting his head. “After all these months…if...” He looked like an injured animal standing there._

_“Just forget it, Daichi.” Suga sighed. As he started walking away, he felt the other grip his arm and yank him backwards, “_ **_what the hell_ ** _?” screamed the silveret, whirling on his best friend._

 

_“We’re not done talking!” Daichi was respectful enough to let go and back up. He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath, before continuing, “let’s talk this out. We haven’t been seeing eye-to-eye in anything lately.”_

 

_There was so much Suga wanted to talk about with him. So much he wanted to confess to the other. But there were no words. They would remain unsaid and hidden deep within his supposedly frigid heart. How could he say those things to his best friend? No. There was nothing they could talk about to fix what had gone wrong._

 

_Suga, after all, was the anomaly in all this. He was the one who’d ruined everything when he’d developed feelings for the captain. And he knew he’d only continue tearing them apart._

 

_Daichi had ceased trembling and had a hopeful expression on his face as Suga finally glanced up. It made his heart sink. The other was so willing to put everything behind and move on but he had to go ruin everything with his own unwillingness. Daichi wasn’t one to hold grudges. He hated, more than anything, being on bad terms with someone. It left a bad taste in his mouth. Suga knew all that… but yet..._

 

_“There’s nothing to talk about.”_

 

_He wouldn’t forget the crushed look on Daichi’s face as he walked away. The next day Suga went to practice but avoided the volleyball captain like the plague. Daichi didn’t come looking for him between classes and spent most of his time with Yui and her friend. According to Asahi, he spent a lot of time with the two girls outside of school to study._

_He kept their arguments a secret from the others and only played nice when they were surrounded by the team. It was only Asahi who was aware of what happened behind-the-scenes._

_Days turned into weeks, Suga played the role of vice-captain and top student to perfection. Graduation came all too soon._

 

***

Suga groaned as the sun broke through the cracks of his curtains. Obviously his dreams hadn’t been pleasant, whatever they’d been about, as he rubbed his closed eyes. The silveret rolled over in an effort to catch a few more minutes of sleep before they’d have to start getting ready for the reunion. They only had to be there for noon and Suga wasn’t in a hurry to be there early. He’d arrive a little late so he wouldn’t have to deal with the awkward small talk. He closed his eyes, just about to drift off when Yukina stirred beside him.

 

The other yawned with a stretch, “I need to shower.”

 

“Go, go.” Suga mumbled, waving a hand. “I’ll keep sleeping until you get back.”

 

It felt like a minute had gone by when Yukina returned, hair soaking and his towel in hand. Suga’s irritated groan filled the silence of the room. The brunette grinned as he took in the sight of his boyfriend completely stretched out on the futon and glaring up at the ceiling. Suga really didn’t know how Yukina managed to get up early every day and work late hours. It didn’t make sense to miss out on so much sleep. How did he function?

 

Yukina laughed, “internal clock?”

 

Suga’s brows furrowed, “that internal clock of yours better not start rubbing off on me.”

 

The other kneeled beside him, face hovering just above Suga’s before he pecked him on the lips, “I can’t promise anything, love.”

 

He jumped away before Suga could even grab him, “pest,” he said under his breath. Within minutes he was standing on his own two feet and grabbing his clothes for the day. Mornings were crisp but a cardigan would be enough to get by. He pulled the usual beige one from his travel bag and a plain shirt and pants just after. As long as no one saw the scars on his arms, all would be good.

The previous vice-captain didn’t know what to expect when he got there. Most of the team hadn’t seen him in the few years he’d been away at college. There was bound to be surprise. Suga knew he didn’t look the same way he had a few years ago. Whatever muscle he might’ve had was completely gone now. The hollowness in his cheeks hadn’t completely disappeared either…

 

“Stop fidgeting.” Yukina peered over as they walked along the street, “you look fine.”

 

“How would you react to one of your friends looking half dead?” Suga paused mid step, a frown on his face. He knew it was what he looked like. No one in his family had said anything but their expressions had been enough for him to understand. He looked as bad as he felt most days.

 

The medical student’s shoulders rose as he sighed, “I’ve been monitoring your weight and general health, you’re not half dead. You’re getting all the nutrients you need.” Suga smiled as he once more realized the other’s considering nature. He knew Yukina put extra care into the food he made. A healthy meal was beneficial for the both of them, with both of them being in school and stressed from assignments and tests.

 

As they grew closer and closer to the familiar high school, Suga felt a tug in his chest and he stopped to catch his breath repeatedly on the way. The stress and reality of the situation were finally starting to affect him. Yukina insisted they could take as long as he needed as he stood by and rubbed circles on his back but Suga willed himself further and further. Up until they were standing in front of the gates. His heart was beating erratically, pounding in his ears, but he’d finally made it. In the few years since graduation it was the furthest he’d ever come.

It had been an irrational fear… Suga realized, his eyes tracing the outline of the buildings.

 

Once there Yukina looked around in amazement. It was significantly bigger than he’d initially thought, but smaller than his own high school back in Tokyo. To Suga, the whole place didn’t look as though it had changed all that much. Exactly like the rest of the town. It almost seemed frozen in time, forever retaining the peaceful ambience he’d always appreciated.

With a small glance over his shoulder to Yukina, he walked towards the school and in the direction of the gym. Nishinoya had gotten permission from Ukai and Takeda to use the facilities.

 

Obviously, judging from their reactions to his very presence when he opened the doors of the gym, the visibility of his scars were the least of his worries. Shock wasn’t even the proper word to describe what he saw as he stared at his previous teammates gawking at him. The looks on their faces resembled the face one made when they were seeing a ghost. Asahi and Nishinoya were the only ones who didn’t look so surprised, having seen him the day before. They’d already had the chance to settle down from the scare Suga gave them.  

Kageyama and Hinata were so pale that the silveret grew mildly concerned, wondering if they’d pass out right there. Even Yukina looked worried as he watched them. They were at a complete loss for words as they approached their upperclassman. Their steps were cautious, as if any sudden movement would scare Suga off. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi remained in the back, their expressions so neutral it was unnerving. They’d always been that way. Suga didn’t find it at all surprising to see the blonde calculating his next course of action, observing how it’d go with the two quickly growing closer to him.

 

Hinata was still as short as he’d been in high school but the expression on his face was older and more mature than it had been before. He’d done a considerable amount of growing it seemed. But yet, still remained the adorable little underclassman Suga remembered. Despite getting older and accomplishing one of his main goals, his passion for volleyball hadn’t faded in the slightest. According to Asahi he’d gone off to a top local university following graduation and joined the team there.  

Never once betraying himself.

He seemed unsure about who he was seeing in front of him, regarding Suga with a certain hesitance. The boy’s glassy eyes never left Suga’s and when he stood directly in front of him, he looked scared. As if at any given moment the silveret would vanish into thin air.

 

Kageyama, surprisingly, looked as equally worried and scared.

According to Asahi, again, he’d decided to attend the same university as Hinata. In their last year of highschool they’d gotten closer than ever and agreed to working together for as long as possible. Until their career paths took them separate ways.

Much like it should have been for Suga and Daichi…

 

All the caution only made Suga more nervous and self conscious as he stood there fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve. No one was saying anything. It was just getting so awkward… His gaze fell to the ground, the discomfort of the situation becoming more and more obvious by the passing second. Asahi moved around the two underclassmen just as Tsukishima grabbed them from behind and scolded them.  

 

“You two look like creeps,” the blond chided, “why not greet him like ordinary humans do?”

 

“They’ve never been all that normal,” Yamaguchi clicked his tongue, coming up beside Suga and offering him a small smile, “have they?” The silveret returned the gesture shyly.

 

“ _Oi_!” Hinata pulled himself free and whirled on Tsukishima with an angered look, “I haven’t seen him in forever!”

 

As if suddenly realizing how awkward he’d been, Kageyama said, “none of us have.” Suga laughed a little as Hinata shot an accusing look towards his friend, obviously annoyed at how quickly he’d come to his senses and taken another side.

 

The joyful atmosphere was one Suga had missed. It was fun to watch them joke around and make light of a normally tense and upsetting atmosphere. None of them spent too long being mad or sad about something. Or dwelling on the past. As a team they’d suffered all kinds of losses, but they’d learned to bounce back faster than ever because of them.

To move forward.

 

Takeda- _sensei_ was the next to enter the room, Ukai following closely behind with his hands stuffed in his pockets, “better late than never, no?” The advisor had the usual calm smile on his face as he took in the sight of Suga, not at all reacting to the visible weight loss.

 

“It’s good to see you again, Sugawara- _kun_.” Takeda was swift at elbowing Ukai in the gut, as soon as the coach pulled his hands out of his pockets and opened his mouth to say something. Obviously he’d guessed it would’ve been something about Suga. The coach, as quietly as possible, groaned and offered a hand in greeting as he writhed in pain.

 

In response, Suga bowed and smiled up at the teacher, “it feels nice to be back after so long…” Just as he inhaled, the gym door slid open once more and it suddenly didn’t feel as wonderful. The world spun as he whirled, knowing _exactly_ who was stepping inside.

 

It was who he was _with,_ he didn’t know.

Or expect.

  
  
  
  
  



	8. Tear it from my Chest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heard y'all wanted a chapter.   
> I'm not completely satisfied with it, but it's me being picky about my own writing and from being tired. It may or may not be edited in the next couple of days. 
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoy! We get to see who Daichi came with *surprise surprise*   
> For obvious reasons, Hideki/Hide isn't the one accompanying Daichi. There's no way they'd know each other.   
> ... buuuuut that doesn't mean he *won't* meet Daichi in future chapters! 
> 
> Let me know what you think!

Suga would’ve most certainly fallen backwards and hurt himself if it hadn’t been for Yukina’s presence behind him. It was as though the world had decided to flip upside down and had a sudden desire to pull him along with it. Yukina was quick to move, his hands steadying Suga when he stumbled back, thankfully his grip was firm. It was almost as though he’d acted on instinct as soon as he saw Suga flinch from the shock. Everyone was too busy watching their previous captain step inside to notice their close proximity as the silverette leaned back a little. Somehow, the vice-captain was grateful for the distraction as he glanced over his shoulder and thanked his boyfriend, feeling the other’s soft breath at his ear. 

Yukina only smiled in response, offering a reassuring squeeze as Suga returned his attention to the door where everyone was gathered. Cheers erupted as the other person finally came into view and Suga stiffened as he realized who it was standing beside his first love. 

 

Matsuoka Kimiko. Or “Kimi”, a nickname given to her by her fans all over the world. 

The small town had never expected to find a gift such as Kimi. She was such a rare and unexpected treasure, ensnaring the hearts of all through her violin. It was known that she travelled all over the world and performed in various orchestras as well as solo in grand concert halls. 

Back in high school she’d been nothing more than another shy girl with a passion for music. Unnoticeable and plain otherwise, in terms of looks and personality. Obviously, though, she had been a girl with ambition to succeed and do what it was she loved. Suga had really underestimated her. 

 

He  _ had really  _ underestimated her. 

 

Kimiko’s interest in Daichi hadn’t gone unnoticed by Suga back in high school. Whenever he happened to lean back in his seat during classes, he’d catch her lingering gaze on the captain. Those first few times he’d assumed it had been nothing more than a girl staring off into space and didn’t think much on it. Then he started remembering her face and recognized her walking through the hallways.  She always glanced at him from behind or when he wasn’t looking to avoid him noticing. Her subtlety was annoying. Suga saw. And the more he saw her, the more irritated he became. 

Her presence had been, in some way, a threat. Every time a game came around, she was there. Yui had been a close friend of Daichi’s, as well as a member of the girl’s volleyball team, and had always dragged Kimi with her. So whenever Daichi hung out with Yui, the other girl was without a doubt there. She had been everywhere. 

The silverette had often tried to distance his best friend from the circle that Kimiko was also a part of… wanting her to let go and give up more than anything. But she had always found a way back and appeared regardless of Suga’s glares in her direction. Always happy to get some kind of acknowledgement from Daichi. The captain had given her his attention unaware of her intentions and feelings towards him. It was the kind of person he’d always been, always willing to repay someone’s kindness with kindness. 

 

Suga had really hated her. 

 

He  _ still  _ hated her. 

Famous or not, she had something Suga would never have in his lifetime. For that, he would forever feel enraged and jealous. The fact that she could stand so proudly beside Daichi… 

 

Suga bit the inside of his cheek, drawing blood. He watched as the girl walked in stride with the previous captain and was all smiley as he took in the sight of everyone around her. She was different now. Prettier and more sophisticated-looking now. A young woman. Everyone wanted her long luscious hair and perfect baby-soft skin. She was the envy of all young girls and her humble attitude made people swoon. He’d only seen a few of her interviews in passing but everyone fawned over her and gushed about how adorable she was. 

Suga didn’t really care. 

Kimiko casually looped her arm through Daichi’s as they came to a stop and stood surrounded by all the players. Suga’s heart stopped. The sick feeling returned as he watched.

 

“ _ Uwa _ !” Hinata was staring with owl-wide eyes, “ _ Matsuoka Kimiko  _ is your girlfriend? I’m so jealous! She’s so cute!” The younger was starry-eyed as the girl waved and smiled down at him. 

 

Daichi burst into laughter in response, the hearty kind that Suga had always loved most and missed to that very moment. It was nice to hear it again. His eyes rose just in time to notice the captain glance over at Kimi, a fond twinkle in his eyes and the silverette almost stopped breathing entirely. It was the look of someone who was utterly and foolishly in love. The same kind of look he’d probably given Daichi without really realizing it back in high school. The girl offered a sweet smile in return and hugged the arm she was attached to. 

Both of them looked happy. So happy. 

It was the first time he was seeing Daichi smile, after those final bitter months of school. At graduation the smile he’d had on his face had been forced. Everyone who really knew him would’ve known that. 

 

“Not just girlfriend,” Tsukishima spoke suddenly and rolled his eyes, pointing to something. “Obviously, fiancée.” This was when everyone save Asahi, Yukina and Suga began shouting all kinds of words of congratulations as they saw the diamond ring on her finger.  

 

He was engaged. To Kimiko. When had that happened? They hadn’t been apart that many years. 

Suga didn’t really know what to think as he stood there frozen in place. His eyes fell on the girl’s hand, the ring suddenly standing out and looking fairly larger than it really was. Marriage seemed like something so big for their age. But Daichi always seemed like the kind of person who’d settle right away when he found the right person. He’d never come across as someone who’d date around, let alone break a girl’s heart by breaking up with her. 

 

“Aha, thanks everyone.” Daichi was scratching the back of his head with an embarrassed expression. “We haven’t really decided any details yet…” So it was something recent. 

 

Suga zoned out standing there, his mind racing in all kinds of directions as Daichi’s voice faded into the background. He was vaguely aware of Yukina awkwardly greeting their coach as Ukai walked by them to get something on one of the benches. Suddenly, Suga didn’t really want to be there anymore. Choosing to come had really been a mistake. It would have been better to remain away from all of it. He didn’t want to see Daichi anymore. He didn’t want to be standing in the gym surrounded by his previous teammates. 

All of it was a constant reminder that, while things had happened to him in the past few years, he really hadn’t changed. He was still the ever fearful closeted person he’d been back in high school. The irrational worry and fear that someone, especially Daichi, would judge and harass him over being gay stuck to him. 

 

“ _ Oi! _ Suga- _ senpai _ ! We’re taking a picture, get over here!” Nishinoya’s voice called him back to reality. He was waving his arms and had a wide smile on his face, resembling an overly joyous child.

 

Hearing the name shouted, Daichi’s eyes widened as he looked to the back of the gym where Suga was indeed standing. With someone else he didn’t know. The captain hadn’t even recognized him at first glance when he’d walked in with Kimiko earlier. But getting a good look at his once best friend, he kicked himself for being so stupid. How could he have not? 

There was a sudden wave of worry and fear that hit him as he pulled himself free of Kimiko and walked through his teammates to where Suga was. It suddenly felt like they were the only two people in the world and everything fell silent. What had happened to the silver-haired setter? He wanted to blame his inability to recognize the other on his terrible sight, but it was most certainly not the case. They hadn’t seen each other since high school, but Suga had lost an incredibly unhealthy amount of weight and Daichi wasn’t sure if there was any kind of fat left on the other. Good or bad. The cardigan he wore must’ve been a very small size but even then it looked big on his frame. It hung loosely on his shoulders. The pallor of his skin didn’t look good either. Nor the sunken in cheeks and dark circles under his eyes. 

 

“Suga…” He reached out as he whispered the other’s name, standing directly in front of him. 

 

The silverette’s eyes slowly rose to meet Daichi’s before they fell to his extended hand unsurely, “h-hey. Long time no see.” 

 

His voice was the same. That much was somewhat relieving to the ex-captain as he released a shaky breath. His eyes once more looked the other up and down, taking in the sight of him. It was too much. Why did he look like that? Was something wrong with him? Was he sick? All the years of silence were weighing down on him in that moment. Why hadn’t he tried harder to stay in contact with his friend? He’d been so angry with himself in high school… he should have asked Asahi for regular updates, they’d been friends since middle school. 

Daichi suddenly, with a concerned look, stared into Suga’s eyes hoping to find some kind of answer. A creeping voice in the back of his mind wondered if it had been his fault. They’d spent most of their last year together fighting over the stupidest of things and Daichi had always felt guilty for never trying harder to apologize for it all. 

 

The setter shakily pointed towards everyone, “p-picture? They’re waiting.” 

 

“Ah,” Daichi turned back to where the team was, their expressions curious, “y-eah. Come one.” 

 

Suga was shocked when the captain gently grabbed him by the hand, pulling him to where everyone else was. Almost as if he was afraid he'd vanish all of a sudden and cease ever existing. The silverette was praying the other couldn't feel his drumming heart as their hands remained entwined. He wasn't sure, actually, if he was feeling his own or Daichi’s. The other looked utterly flustered as he guided them both, as if he didn’t really know what to do.  

When they quickly organized for the group photo, Suga tried prying his hand loose but Daichi was insistent on not letting go. He didn’t even seem aware that he was holding on. No one really said anything but the occasional curious glance was shot in the general direction of their joined hands. 

 

Everything afterwards was awkward and stifling. The picture was taken within minutes and then everyone broke out into conversation. The two outsiders in all this, Kimiko and Yukina had been talking up until that point and were more than happy to rejoin the group. Suga quickly hovered to where his boyfriend stood once Daichi was distracted enough to let go of his hand. Suga wanted nothing more than to be as close as possible to Yukina in that moment. Kimiko was still talking with Yukina when he approached, so he remained a little out of sight beside him. 

 

“Sugawara- _ san _ ,” Kimiko’s smile was forced towards him when she peered around Yukina. “How nice to see you again.”

 

“Likewise.” He mumbled back, his eyes lowered to the ground. “Congratulations on your… engagement.” The words didn't come out as smoothly as he had wanted and the girl’s cheek twitched a little. 

 

“I didn't realize you were going to be in town as well.” She had her hands clasped together, “I would have invited you all to our engagement party if I had known you were all going to be here.”

 

It didn’t look like she would have really wanted him there. He wouldn’t have gone anyways. Her words came out as fake and forced and Yukina tensed a little beside him. Even without knowing her, her distaste for Suga was quite obvious. It wasn’t all that surprising that the feeling of hate was pretty mutual between them. But, thinking about it, she shouldn’t hate him all that much considering she had Daichi for herself. For life. She had an amazing career already and nothing to worry about. 

 

“Ah, that’s too bad.” He didn’t really know what to say to her. Suga hadn’t spoken to her more than that in high school, so he couldn’t even consider her an acquaintance. Enemy, maybe? Even then that was a little extreme. 

 

“So what have you been doing all this time?” Her eyes were scrutinizing as she looked him up and down. 

“I graduated with a major in economics and business. Honors.” He was sure whatever he was saying was just passing through her ears and she didn’t actually care. It didn’t mean much to her. She was only biding time until Daichi returned. He was standing with people Suga didn’t recognize, probably those who’d joined after their departure from the team. He was getting ready to move away, however, as he waved and bowed to them. 

 

Kimiko’s eyes suddenly fell on Yukina and Suga bit  his lip nervously, just as Daichi popped up beside her, “who’s this?” The previous captain looked as equally curious as he took in the medical student. “He wasn’t in any of the pictures.” 

 

It was always that kind of question that threw him off and made him sweat. He never seemed to know what to answer, not knowing how others would react if he introduced Yukina as his boyfriend. Saying he was his friend was a legitimate answer, but it was somewhat odd to travel to his hometown with him… wasn’t it? Yukina’s family was in Tokyo, or just outside of the huge city. Nowhere near the Miyagi Prefecture that was home to Karasuno. 

 

Yukina was always faster. He was always honest and wasn’t afraid to introduce himself in a way that wouldn’t out Suga. 

 

“I’m a friend from university.” He grinned, “I  _ really  _ wanted to come back to Miyagi to visit. I’ve only ever been in high school. And since it felt like forever since I’d left campus, I begged Sugawara to let me tag along.”

 

“Oh,” Kimiko’s lips thinned out. “You’re in the same… department?” 

 

“He’s a medical student.” Suga answered, “he’s getting ready for his residency.” When that time came, Suga wouldn’t see much of Yukina. It would be difficult to adjust but he knew how important it all was to him. He would have to bear through it. 

 

His gaze suddenly shifted to Daichi, who met his eyes within seconds. He always seemed to know when Suga was staring at him. Even back in school he’d often turned when the silverette had been looking in his general direction. Rather than look away, Suga held his gaze. It wasn’t as terrifying as he thought it would be. Nerve-racking, yes. But nothing world-ending. It was… just Daichi. The anger and frustration he’d felt within himself had long ago melted. He’d more or less accepted the fact that the captain was as straight as an arrow. He just wanted to have that support back, his best friend. 

That would mean the world to him after everything he’d suffered.

 

Hide had been the scariest ordeal of his life. Everything seemed petty and little in comparison to what he’d gone through with that psycho. Just remembering the black-haired, tattoo-covered, man made him shiver. That piercing, beckoning gaze would forever be imprinted in his mind. 

 

“Do you want,” Daichi hesitated, “to go for a walk?” Kimiko didn’t say anything as she pretended to browse her phone for any unread message. She didn’t look particularly thrilled. Well, it looked that way to Suga. Maybe she didn’t actually care and he was reading too hard between the lines. 

 

Suga couldn’t help but look over to Yukina, who urged him on with a nod and a thumbs up.  _ You’re doing fine, all is going well _ , he seemed to relay in his smile. It was reassuring and Suga felt a little more confident about matters as he followed Daichi out of the gym and into the courtyard. Everything would be fine. No one said a word as they passed, only coach Ukai seemed particularly interested as his eyes trailed the both of them.  

The wind hit him hard in that moment and he couldn’t help the shiver than ran through him when he was outside. How was it this cold? It seemed like yesterday it was summer. Crossing his arms, he tried to resist chattering his teeth. Daichi seemed aware of this as he turned back towards him and offered his sweater, a concerned look on his face. 

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Suga appreciated the gesture, but shook his head, “you’ll get cold.” 

 

Daichi was always a stubborn one. He approached slowly, only to cover Suga’s shoulders with the ivory knitted sweater his mother had most certainly made herself. It was so warm. The silverette pulled it up closer to his neck, the familiar scent of the other’s home filling his nose. He smiled fondly. It had been so long since he’d been to Daichi’s home. So long since he’d seen the other man’s mother and sat at their dinner table. It seemed foolish to think that they could go back to such times. The other was getting married, getting ready to start a family of his own. 

 

The other was watching him, Suga frowned, “I’m not going to punch you. I’d probably break my hand.”

 

Daichi winced, “shit. I wasn’t thinking that at all.” 

 

“It was a joke.” Suga inhaled sharply through his nose. “I guess a poor excuse for one…” 

The previous captain looked down, “I’m just… not sure…” 

 

“What to say?” Suga wondered, “I don’t know myself, I feel like whatever I say won’t fix what I did.” He admitted this with a shrug and watched a few leaves drift away into the distance. Standing there with Daichi felt so nostalgic. 

 

“Can we just agree that what happened is in the past? It’s done.” The ex-captain fully turned to face him, his face serious. “Can we just move on? Or are you still mad?” His expression turned to one that was hopeful and Suga stared at him for a good long while. 

 

Suga wondered  _ what  _ he was feeling towards the other and frowned as he lost himself in momentary thought. There would always be a part of him that was in love with his best friend and the lingering feelings would always resurface. Especially when Daichi would be his dorky usual self. That much he knew. But was he mad at the other? Not really. He’d been mad at himself mostly, although he’d been unaware of that and wanted to put the blame on someone else back then. So really, he wasn’t mad at Daichi. He’d created the problem between them over nothing. None of it had been Daichi’s fault… 

 

“Let’s do that.” Suga decided and smiled at the man, nuzzling into the sweater that was on his shoulders.  

 

The other’s eyes widened. Taken aback, he stammered, “r-really?”  

 

“Mm.” The silverette’s eyes filled with tears and he tried to blink them back by staring up at the sky, “I just want to  _ talk  _ to you again. I want to joke around and feel  _ normal  _ and have fun. I’ve spent the past few years feeling so utterly shitty… I just want to start over.” He inhaled. “If you’re willing.”  

 

“When I saw you walking by the tracks,” Daichi said quietly with a sigh, “I just… I didn’t want to be mad at you anymore. I realized... “ He paused. “I just missed having you around. In university I drove myself crazy over whether I should text you or not. I wanted to so badly but I never knew when the best time was. I didn’t know if you’d deleted my number or blocked me…

 

“So, I never did. But now I know I don’t want to lose you as a friend, ever.” Daichi himself had a tear running down his cheek, “I missed you so much, Suga.” 

 

“I missed you too, Daichi.” He looked down, wondering if what he would say next was too soon… “do, you want to get coffee tomorrow? I want to talk to you in...uh, private. Without everyone around. I feel like I need to explain...” 

 

Daichi smiled, “Suga, if you don’t want to tell me now, it can wait. But let’s go for coffee. We have a lot to catch up on.”

It was nice. They would never forget what had happened between them, but they could accept it. Embrace the fact that it  _ had  _ happened and move on. Learn from it all. Especially Suga. He smiled to himself and for once felt lighter than he ever had. Things were good. Finally. He’d spent so long stressing… 

 

“Daichi…?” Kimiko poked her head out the door, “aren’t you coming back in for the game?” Her eyes narrowed a little at the sight of her finacé’s sweater on Suga. The silverette averted his gaze, “everyone’s getting ready.” 

 

The captain beamed, “I’ll be there in a second.” He looked over to Suga, “you ready?” 

 

“I think I’ll pass on playing for today.” He admitted with a shy laugh, “I don’t think I’m in the right physical form to play, haha.” The look Daichi gave him was a sad one, full of concern, “don’t worry! I’ll cheer everyone on with Yukina.” 

 

“You better cheer for my side,” Daichi huffed out from beside him as they walked back into the gym together. “Otherwise I might take all that stuff I just said back…” 

 

“Big baby,” Suga tapped him on the arm. “Let’s go.” 

 

Watching them go at it from the sidelines and occasionally cheering, Suga felt like he was in high school again. As if nothing had changed. Hinata was definitely much faster than he’d been a few years ago, considerably more skilled and practiced than he’d been as a freshman. It was impressive and Suga couldn’t help watching him. Kageyama himself had gotten better too. He knew  _ exactly  _ when to throw for Hinata -- they were the perfect team- he realized as they moved in synch with one another. Daichi was still a huge presence on the court. He yelled out instructions and called the ball as confidently as he had when they’d been on the team together. Everything had always worked thanks to their captain. 

Yukina seemed completely absorbed in the game when Suga peered over his shoulder. Just the way his eyes followed the game and widened when something exciting happened, like a kid, made him chuckle. It was the first time he’d seen him so caught up in something. Suga was sure whatever he said to the other would be completely ignored, although not purposely. 

 

“Don’t think you can weasel your way back into his life. It won’t be the same way. Don’t even try what you’re thinking.” Kimiko came to stand beside him, her shoulder against his. Her eyes followed Daichi possessively and when he turned to look their way, she smiled sweetly.

 

Suga tensed. What on earth did  _ that  _ mean? “I’m not  _ trying _ anything.” 

 

“ _ Right _ .” Kimiko tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, puckering her lips, “so your heart didn’t  _ flutter _ a little earlier?” Suga felt a sense of dread as his head turned to look at her, eyes wide. Her cheek twitched again, “don’t play stupid. I know how unrequited love feels. Only… I guess, it wasn’t in the end. And you’ve settled with whatever you could find.” She laughed, “friend? What a lame excuse.” 

 

“Everyone knew you were gay and had feelings for Daichi.” 

 

Something about her instantly reminded him of Hide. The dark glint in her eyes as she peered over to him made his skin crawl uncomfortably. The ill feeling in his stomach returned and he had a difficult time keeping on his feet all of a sudden as he stumbled backwards. His head felt light. Concerningly light. Apparently Yukina had been listening the entire time and moved just as quickly as Hinata did when receiving one of Kageyama’s tosses when Suga started losing consciousness.

He fell backwards, head cushioned by Yukina. Suga was vaguely aware of what was happening around him as the gym erupted in worried shouts. It was too much. The shouts grew nearer and he felt the hands of his previous teammates on his arms, Yukina cradled him closer and insisted for them to move away. He needed room to breathe. He groaned as stars filled his vision and he blacked out completely. 

  
  



	9. Kimiko's Interlude 1

Matsuoka Kimiko had set her sights on Sawamura Daichi early on during their freshmen year. As soon as he’d joined the volleyball team. Of course, she’d been way too shy to even get a word out to him back then. Jumping right out of middle school had been an adjustment of its own and Kimiko was just putting her awkward phase behind her. So no level of encouragement from her friends had made her brave enough to tap him on the shoulder for a chat or to ask him anything. She kind of sidelined herself whenever they were close to one another or someone else she knew hung around him. 

 

Before she knew it, a couple of years had gone by and they were already getting close to graduation.  

 

Had she spoken to him? No. Not even once. Well, if she didn’t count the awkward mumbled greetings and few times she’d offered him an eraser when he’d cursed about not having one. 

 

“Just talk to him,” Yui shook her head as she pulled the lollipop out of her mouth, examining it with a funny look, “he’s seriously the nicest person  _ ever _ . If I didn’t consider him a brother, I’d definitely have a crush on him too.” She tilted her head, a dreamy look on her face, “Just… those  _ abs _ .” 

 

“ _ Yui _ !” Kimiko blushed.

 

Her friend burst into laughter, “kidding, kidding! But seriously…” 

 

“Please!” Kimiko groaned, “just control yourself a little?” 

 

“Am I too much for miss precious violinist?” Yui grinned. “Just go up to him!” 

 

It wasn’t like she didn’t want to. Kimiko always wanted to get closer to the captain… ever since the beginning. But there wasn’t a single moment when he was alone without any of his friends or teammates. Someone was always there. And somehow, it always felt like she was intruding when she happened to pass by to see if she could finally muster up the courage to say something to him. Even a quick “hi” would suffice but the feeling of interrupting something always arose.

It was especially true when Sugawara Koushi was concerned. The silver-haired boy was almost  _ always  _ with the captain and Kimiko always felt the most intimidated by him. There was an aura that seemingly surrounded them whenever they were together, one that pushed others as far away as possible. Suga had a way of glancing at others whenever they tried to approach, a look that was so very warning and Kimiko could never figure out the significance and meaning behind it. 

She knew Suga to be a nice person, he’d often said hello in the hallways but never more than that. There wasn’t anyone who could really say anything  _ bad  _ about him. He was smart and caring, known as the mother-hen of the volleyball team. Lots of girls had crushes on him but there was no news of a girlfriend. He was often confessed to but he  _ always  _ turned them down for some reason and made excuses like he was busy with school or just wasn’t interested in dating at the moment. Obviously, lots of girls suffered heartbreak over that. 

 

Kimiko didn’t really know what the others found appealing in Sugawara Koushi. Sure, he was nice and had good looks. The beauty mark near his eye made him adorable and elegant looking. But he was too… what was it? Not that he wasn’t masculine but there was something off-putting with how nurturing he was. She was sure it’d be annoying to date someone like him. And there was something else about him that she couldn’t  _ quite  _ put her finger on.  

 

It was the same in the case of Daichi. No girlfriend. The two of them spent so much of their free time devoting themselves to volleyball, everyone was pretty sure they didn’t do much aside from that outside of school either. Besides study, of course.  

 

Not really knowing what else to do, Kimiko stayed away and minded her own business. 

 

It was after one of their practice games that she’s gotten the chance, it was the one where they’d lost and Daichi had lost his mind right there on the court in front of everyone. Suga had been playing instead of Kageyama for some reason and hadn’t been performing as well as he should have been. As soon as the other school had scurried off the court and into the locker rooms, Daichi had whirled on his best friend and started yelling out all kinds of criticisms. It was the first time she’d seen him so angry, and from her place in the audience, she could see the way his nostrils flared. Suga had marched off without a word. 

 

Wandering out soon after, Kimiko found Daichi sitting outside on one of the school benches. He looked discouraged as he brought a hand up to his forehead and sighed, leaning forward and pressing his hands to his face. 

 

“Hey,” she called quietly, walking closer to him. “Are you okay?” 

 

He looked up, squinting for a brief second to refocus, “you’re…”

 

“Matsuoka, Kimiko.” Her lips thinned out a little, “I’m friends with Yui.”

 

“Ah,” he nodded absently, “yeah. I’m fine, I guess. Just bummed out.” Daichi closed his eyes, “I feel like a jerk for yelling at him… he doesn’t get enough practice. I keep telling him but he seems so distracted lately. Just last week he kept screwing up his tosses and avoided playing by sitting on the bench.”

 

“He probably has a lot on his mind with graduation coming up. University.” Kimiko suggested, “or maybe he’s realized that he can’t take Kageyama’s place?” 

 

For a second she wanted to bite her own tongue off, realizing that she  _ was  _ talking about Daichi’s best friend and it sounded a little cruel. He looked up at her with wide eyes and an expression so hurt, she felt her heart sink. Daichi had his hands clasped together as he finally leaned back on the bench and exhaled the breath he’d been holding in. 

 

“Maybe.” He sounded so sad. “I’ve spent so much time thinking about winning, I didn’t even consider how he  _ felt _ . I feel like I’ve cast him aside...” 

 

Kimiko bit her lip, “maybe talking to him will help? I’m sure he won’t stay mad at you for long, anyways.” 

 

He finally smiled at her then, making her heart flip, “thanks.” When she gave him a long look, he added, “for hearing me out.”

 

It felt odd to give someone she had a crush on advice. Or helpful suggestions. However he wanted to view it was up to him, she supposed. A part of her wondered if she should have just let it go...but the two of them were such great friends, she knew deep down she would never want to lose her closest friend after so many years of knowing her. 

So she didn't feel so bad, because she knew how much it probably meant to him.

She left him sitting there, a smile on her face, and Kimiko felt a little braver than she ever had before. She’d finally spoken to the one person she thought she might never get the chance.

 

Matsuoka Kimiko discovered Sugawara’s secret by accident. Really.

It  _ really _ hadn’t been her intention to eavesdrop, not at first. She’d been walking towards their classroom with the intention of picking up one of her music books before heading to practice. As she’d reached for the door, she heard the voices inside. One of them being Suga’s. The other took her a few moments to recognize but it soon dawned on her that it was Asahi. The ace.

Her first instinct had been to walk away. It would’ve been the smarter move, but curiosity filled her mind as she heard the whispered bickering inside. 

 

“Just  _ tell  _ him.” Asahi’s voice sounded tired. 

 

“Tell him  _ what _ ? I’m in love with him?” Suga’s voice had taken on an incredulous tone. Kimiko had flinched when she heard him throw something, “how do you tell your best friend --who, let me remind you, is a guy- that you’re in love with him? How do you think he’s gonna react to that?  _ Huh?”  _

 

“No one would judge you for being gay,” his friend had said. “Look at me, do I look like I care?” 

 

“I’ve known you since grade-school. I’m pretty sure if I decided to parade around naked you wouldn’t say anything against it.” 

 

“That’s…”

 

“Obviously, I’d never do that.” Suga sighed, probably making a face. “Look, it’s just easier if I stay quiet and let things ride out. Isn’t it obvious that Daichi’s straight anyway?” 

 

It was Asahi’s turn to sigh, “I can’t say.”

 

Kimiko hadn’t stayed to hear the rest and ran off before either of them noticed her presence just outside. It only occurred to her after as she entered the music room that she’d forgotten to collect her books... but it was too late to go get them. There was the running chance that the two boys would still be there and she’d have to awkwardly barge in. Kimiko wasn’t sure she’d be able to keep a neutral face after hearing what she had only a little while before. 

She didn't think she’d get much done as she positioned the violin, tucking the resting piece under her chin, her mind wandering off. She must've stood there for what felt like hours, completely frozen in place with a distant look on her face and her bow poised up in the air. Luckily no one else bothered to book the rooms during after school hours. She tended to be the only one and in that moment she was glad to have the thinking space completely to herself.

Everything suddenly made so much sense. Suga’s behaviour towards Daichi and the way he looked so  _ possessive  _ when they were together. The fact that he  _ insisted  _ on being with him all the time. Kimiko felt stupid for not realizing sooner. Just the way he looked at the captain… it was so clear now in her mind. He was  _ in love _ with his best friend.

His best friend...who was straight? 

Right?

 

Kimiko frowned, she'd never considered the fact that Daichi might… but he didn’t look at Suga in that same way. He looked at the silver-haired boy like everyone else he considered his friends. Didn’t he? She realized she’d never  _ actually _ looked at his expressions when he hung around Sugawara. He always just looked like himself to her. 

 

So she kept her eyes on them one afternoon when they left the classroom together. Daichi’s expression was grim as he led the other boy out and through the corridor in utter silence. No one paid them any kind of attention and Kimiko struggled to keep up as the passage filled with a lot of people switching rooms for their last lesson. She had to wonder why they were going off at such an awkward moment. It wasn’t like they had a lot of time between classes. She continued pushing through the bustling sea of students and excusing herself whenever she ran into someone. People shot her mean looks but she was too focused to pay attention. 

 

As they rounded a corner leading down into the stairwell, Suga turned to look back for a split second. Her heart froze. Did he know she was following them? The horrifying thought made her throat dry. Kimiko met his gaze nervously before he faced forward again. It had been a flash of a moment. Too fast for him to fully recognize her, she hoped as she watched him disappear.

Just as the two descended the stairs, Kimiko zoomed by, as if she were still going down the hallway and stopped as soon as she’d passed the wall. Holding her breath and leaning her back against the surface behind her, she waited. 

 

Truthfully, she didn't hear much from her position except endless bickering back and forth. It was mostly Daichi who raised his voice and Sugawara only mumbled back every now and then. She could only picture them in her mind, Daichi towering over the silver-haired boy, who's head hung low with shoulders slumped slightly. A crushed look in his eye as Daichi stared down.

 

“Hey! You boys!” A teacher suddenly called, making Kimiko jump, “you're supposed to be in class!” Neither Daichi or Sugawara said anything as they walked up the stairs to where the teacher stood. 

 

Before they took notice of her, the girl fled in the opposite direction and hurried to the nurses office that was down a floor. It was the only place she could think of going to hide without having to face the teacher monitoring the hallways. She could always say her stomach was hurting or her arm… either way, she would find a relatively valid excuse to her situation. 

Her mind raced as she scurried along and felt her heart drumming in her chest. Had Suga confessed in the end? She didn't really know  _ what  _ they had talked about from her awful hiding place. In the same situation, she might've tried to get everything out of her system if she had been face to face with Daichi. 

 

It turned out that Suga hadn't confessed and the two boys were having their biggest argument yet. The silverette refused to attend practice now and the captain was obviously beginning to tire of the other’s antics by the way he lost his temper more easily around others. He got angrier by the day and was prone to snapping at his team, who knew absolutely nothing about the situation. All they heard was that Suga had decided to put more effort into his studies because he’d fallen behind for some reason.  

 

“Ah, there goes Sugawara- _ kun _ …” Yui had her head propped up with a hand tucked under her chin. Her eyes followed the boy until he was out of sight, “I think this is the first time I've ever seen that guy express anything other than happiness. He’s usually always smiling or joking around with...” Her eyes wandered to where Daichi sat at the front of the room, his expression devoid of emotion. “He hasn’t said anything all morning.” 

 

“Sugawara- _ kun  _ should apologize.” Kimiko stated, eyeing her music book. “Everything started with him. He’s obviously at fault.” 

 

“Hey, hey,” her friend said carefully, “I think it's better we don't jump to conclusions. Daichi could have a part in it we don't know about.” 

 

“I  _ know _ it's his fault.” The girl affirmed her position on the matter. “Otherwise, why would Sawamura- _ kun  _ be so affected by it?”

 

Yui didn't look at all convinced from her place opposite Kimiko. She avoided putting the blame on someone when she didn't fully understand the situation or if it wasn't really her business. In this particular case, she explained to the violinist as she crossed her arms, it was neither of their businesses nor their place to say anything on the matter. It was an issue between the two boys and it was only them who could solve it. No one else could solve it for them. 

 

Kimiko  _ knew  _ that. 

 

“Hey.” She noticed Daichi standing outside the gym later that afternoon, wiping his face with a towel as he took a break to catch his breath. He’d been doing warmups, probably. Kimiko was on her way to the music clubroom. 

 

He seemed to be in deep thought, but when she drew closer his attention fell on her. For a split second she wondered if he’d forgotten her… but then he said, “Hey, Matsuoka.” 

 

Kimiko bit her lower lip as her eyes averted to the ground, “how are you holding up…?” It seemed stupid to ask but she honestly wondered how he was doing. Glancing at him, it was easy to tell, but hearing the words spoken made a vast difference. 

 

He sighed. “I’ve had better days…I just feel so  _ overwhelmed  _ by everything that’s happening. I’m scared I’m losing one of the closest friends I’ve ever had.” Daichi looked down at her just as she looked up, “what are we even fighting about? I’ve asked him so many times but I can’t get an answer out of him.” 

 

She probably knew the answer to that herself… but she bit her tongue and remained silent in the minutes that followed. Daichi seemed so small, so sad, as he stared at her and she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him. To comfort him. To tell him things would be alright.

It was not her place to get more involved. At least, that’s what she kept telling herself. 

But obviously, she wouldn’t keep true to that and would inevitably butt in. 

 

It started when Sugawara got his phone confiscated by their homeroom teacher. He’d been in the middle of typing something up on it when someone had alerted their teacher of it, although angry at first, he handed it over without a word of complaint. He resumed his neutral look of staring down into the book he was most definitely  _ not  _ reading. No one was anyways. Even Kimiko had stopped reading it after the first chapter or so. 

 

As soon as classes were over she raced Yui down the stairs. They flew down within minutes, giggling as they pushed themselves by other students making their own way. Kimiko didn’t really remember the reason behind their sudden decision to race and as she stood near the shoe lockers, everything kind of stopped. 

Suga was slipping a note inside Daichi’s shoe cubby. He looked around to make sure no one saw him. 

She was not supposed to get involved. 

 

It had seemed so harmless, at first. 

 

As soon as Suga had gone, Kimiko neared the shoe locker carefully. No one else was around when she slipped her hand inside and pulled the note out. Her heart was in her throat as she looked the words over and over. It was a note begging Daichi to meet him later that night. He needed to talk to him about something. 

 

Kimiko did something she was not supposed to. 

 

She was, after all,  _ not  _ supposed to get involved. 

 

She crumpled the note in her hands and walked away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a little extra thing I did in between all my stuff ; u;   
> It's mostly following Kimi and her unnecessariness. She is not my favourite and she's the obvious typical "destroyer of friendship". It's just the way she was supposed to be in this story.   
> Does she feel bad about what she did? 
> 
> Nope. Not at all.   
> After all, she's finally got Daichi all to herself. 
> 
> Maybe.   
> Maybe? 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Get ready for the next chapter~   
> Coming this week, I'm hoping (if all other work gets done).


	10. Sinking

He opened his eyes to a new hospital room, significantly whiter than the others before and with an overwhelming odour of disinfectant lingering in the air. Suga tried his very hardest to keep whatever was left in his system inside as he gagged while sitting up very carefully. Luckily the lights weren’t too bright for once and he found no difficulty adjusting. His eyes darted around the private room in wonder. It was the first time he’d ever been in such a prestigious room. Focusing his attention ahead, he was relieved to find the one person he was hoping to see. 

 

“Yukina.” 

 

The man looked up from his seat across the room, eyes suddenly alert and wide as he lept into action. He was beside Suga in an instant and already asking a million questions, looking his boyfriend over and over. His face was pale, “you passed out so suddenly… Suga, why? Your pressure was fine. You were properly hydrated…” He went on and on about how he’d made sure the silveret’s health had been good lately. On a normal day, Suga might’ve laughed at how dedicated the other was when it came to his future career. 

 

Yukina frowned, “wait… was it what that girl said?”

 

“I…” he bit his lip, hesitating. Somehow remembering  _ him  _ was always so painful and left him breathless, in the bad way that made his heart pound in his chest. Kimiko’s expression had been just as dark as Hide’s in those brief seconds before he’d fainted, “she… it just felt like Hide cornering me all over again… picking at me.”

 

The brunet’s expression fell at the mention of Hide. It was, after all, the name of the one person who’d taken as aspect of Suga’s life he would likely never fully be able to get back. No matter how much Yukina helped him. The younger had suffered a kind of violence no person should ever have to experience in their life, no matter the bad they’d done. It was cruel and inhuman. Suga  _ had _ bounced back as best he could, with help from Yukina and on his own. But it was normal to fall into small periods of depression. Some days had been harder than others and more often than not, Suga had made some kind of attempt on his own life to escape the memory of Hide on him. It was something he would never fully be able to forget. 

 

Yukina approached Suga slowly as he spread his arms, making his intention obvious. The younger shook a little as he accepted the gesture and felt the warmth of his significant other envelop him. It had always been careful between them. Yukina never made sudden movements when the silverette recalled something traumatic and always threaded his way with the utmost caution in conversation to avoid saying anything that could trigger him. All this had extended into their most intimate of moments -- which had never escalated into anything beyond the brushing of lips and touches due to Suga’s fear overtaking him, causing him to become paralysed. Or he would break down into a sobbing hysterical mess. 

Yukina squeezed, tightening his grip, “don’t let him have power over you. You’re so much stronger than he is, than he ever will be.” His thoughts turned to Kimiko, the girl engaged to Daichi. 

 

She hadn’t stood out more than that to him upon first meeting her in person. Matsuoka Kimiko was plain. The way she dressed and her overall style were nothing noteworthy. Yukina didn’t think he’d ever recognize her on the street. He knew, more or less, that she was a famous violinist who travelled the world and had gained much of Japan’s attention in the past couple of years. Girls at work liked to talk about her and gushed about how cute and humble she was... but Yukina found there was something in the way she was that bothered him. Deeply bothered him. 

The expression on her face when she’d watched Suga and Daichi walk off together had been utterly terrifying. If looks could kill, Yukina was sure the two would’ve died instantly under her icy glare. The way her hands had clenched into fists, trembling, had caught Yukina’s attention as well. 

It led him to believe that there was some underlying meaning to that. Jealousy? It had really looked like that to him. But Suga was meeting Daichi after a few years of separation -- after parting on rather  _ difficult  _ terms- so it was really like there were starting anew. The friendship was still there but  _ not _ . 

And besides, Daichi was  _ engaged  _ to her. She shouldn’t worry about anything if that was the case. 

 

“What was she like in high school?” Yukina wondered suddenly, “was she friends with you and Sawamura- _ san _ ?” 

 

Suga considered the question for a moment. “No, I can’t say she was friends with  _ either _ of us. She was kind of just there.” He sighed, “I knew she had a crush on Daichi for a really long time. I always noticed her watching him. But she was so quiet and nervous she never even approached him until…”

 

“The fights?” 

 

“Yeah, when we started fighting Daichi was hanging around the girl’s volleyball captain. They went to the same middle school.” He explained, remembering the few times he’d talked to Yui. She’d always been optimistic about her team despite their ongoing failures, “Kimiko was friends with Yui, so it’s only normal she started hanging out with him too.” 

 

Yukina couldn’t help but ask, “did they start going out in high school?” It seemed like she’d landed the perfect opportunity of getting close to Daichi and profiting from the fights.

 

“I’m assuming it was the start of some kind of relationship.” Suga shrugged, “as far as I know, Daichi wasn’t dating anyone when we graduated. It must’ve been when they were in university.” 

 

“She seems... _ possessive _ , of him.” Yukina remarked with a quiet voice, “it’s almost scary.” 

 

“I probably looked like that too when I was around Daichi.” Admitted the silver-haired man with a laugh. “But I noticed that too. Her tone was really harsh just before I passed out.” And the look in her eyes had been nothing but pure hatred and resentment towards him.

 

The things she had said had definitely unsettled him enough to faint. The first thing about trying to weasel back into Daichi’s life was a false accusation and wrong on so many levels. Was she that insecure? Sure, he still sort of loved the former captain… but he’d  _ moved  _ on. If that made any sense. At this point in his life, he could live with the fact that some things were never meant to be. No matter how much he loved Daichi there was no way he could change that biological aspect to him and force him to love Suga.

The statement about him settling for Yukina had really hurt the most. It was definitely not the case, but the voices in the back of his mind were beginning to really make him doubt himself. He couldn’t help it. The insecurity he felt regularly had a way of warping his thoughts.  He  _ knew  _ his feelings for the other were genuine. The current person he loved was most definitely Yukina. Besides, it wasn’t like he’d jumped into a relationship with him --like anyone else, they’d started off as friends and had taken it from there. When they’d first met, Yukina had been dating someone else on and off. Up until the point that Suga really started opening up. 

 

Initially, Suga had wondered if Yukina only pitied him. He’d known  _ everything  _ that had happened with Hide, at least had had a good sense of what, and had been his caretaker in the hospital until Asahi had come to get him. Even then he hadn’t pushed anything on Suga and worked with him in any way that made the silveret comfortable.

Then he’d disappeared from Suga’s life. But didn’t, at the same time. They must have passed each other a million times in those months following the incident. They attended the same university but studied in different departments. Never really knowing who the other was. Only passing one another. Existing. 

It always amazed Suga.

And all of a sudden at Suga’s lowest and darkest their worlds had collided once more. Rather, it had been Yukina crashing into his miserable life at top speed. 

 

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Yukina touched his own face with a frown, “is there something…?”

 

_ I love you so much.  _ But the words were lost in his throat and Suga only leaned into the other’s shoulder as silence fell between them. 

 

Suga had no choice but to spend the night in the hospital. The doctor in charge explained that he wanted to have the silveret observed just to make sure everything was alright. A precaution he told Yukina, who nodded his agreement the entire time despite Suga’s glare. It was really the last place he wanted to be. There was something so unnerving about staying in a hospital that he’d never really gotten over. The disinfectant smell was really getting to him too, making him feel sick to his stomach as he lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling. With bored eyes he tried counting the little specks in the paint while Yukina continued chatting with the doctor and nurses in the room. 

 

“Oh come on,” Yukina laughed a little while later when they’d left, “don’t make that face. It’s  _ one _ night.” 

 

“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one in the uncomfortable bed” grumbled Suga. He was glaring up at the ceiling now. He knew he was just being a baby about it at this point but he really just wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed.

 

“I know, I know. Hospital beds are the worst.” He laughed, “I’m going to go pick up some things for us at your place.” Yukina was rummaging through his coat pockets, looking for his phone, “I’ll let them know how you’re doing? 

 

“Yeah, thanks,” the younger felt his heart twist a little as his boyfriend leaned down to plant a chaste kiss to his temple before he left. He felt the usual goofy smile against his skin and wanted nothing more than to drag Yukina onto the bed and wrap his arms around him again. Why was he acting so weird?

 

Yukina couldn’t help the frown on his face when Suga clung to his coat sleeve as he started pulling away towards the door, “I’ll be back in an hour or so, don’t worry.” Still, the other remained firm in his grip and unyielding for a mere moment longer. 

 

There was a painful throb in his chest as Suga finally let go, his hand falling limply by his side. Yukina moved to sit on the edge of the bed again and carefully reached to lift the other’s face so that he looked at him. It was by no means forceful, Yukina merely guided Suga’s face to get a better look, but Suga kept his gaze locked elsewhere --anywhere- to avoid looking into his boyfriend’s. He quickly noted the sight of tears pooling in the corners of the silveret’s eyes and the way he shivered.  

 

“Get some rest, Koushi,” he moved his hands to Suga’s flushed cheeks, his thumbs brushing the unshed tears away. 

 

Breathless, Suga watched the other disappear into the hall without another word.

 

He tried his hardest to rest while he waited for Yukina’s return. But every time he started drifting off, something would catch his attention or he’d start thinking of something that distracted him. It seemed futile to believe he’d get  _ any  _ rest while lying there. The smell and buzzing in the room were of no help either and only served as another huge distraction for him. Suga rolled over in the bed so that he was facing the windows. If he was going to sleep in a hospital, having an pleasant view might help him. It was better than a white ceiling. Anything was better than a ceiling, actually.

But it didn’t do much and time only continued ticking by. Suga tossed and turned for what felt like an eternity as his mind raced all over. Occasionally a nurse would come in to check on him and asked if he needed anything, but Suga always answered the same thing. He didn’t. He was fine. But that was a lie. He felt far from that. And then he’d watch her jot a few notes down before telling him that she’d be back in a couple of hours and that he shouldn’t hesitate to call if something came up. Then, with a smile, she turned on her heel and headed out.

 

Suga tried to focus on the sounds of people walking by in the corridor and their voices as they held conversation. Most of it was just mumbled nonsense to him due to the door having been closed some time ago by the nurse. There was the occasional burst of laughter, probably the staff of the hospital joking around, and then there were the brief moments when he heard a stampede go by. Whether they were nurses or doctors… he didn’t really know. 

 

Then there was silence.

And silence, it seemed, always caused something to fester within him. Something ugly and disgusting that he was ashamed of more than anything. The darkness in his heart krept out to torment him -- to beckon him to return. It was wrapping him in a cold embrace he found oddly soothing in the heat of the room. He couldn’t help the sigh that escaped his lips as his eyelids felt heavier for the first time that evening.

There was in image forming in his mind as he felt sleep tugging at his consciousness, lulling him into what he hoped would be a pleasant sleep. 

_ Black luscious hair, strands of it falling forward and brushing against Suga’s chest. He gripped tattooed arms as he arched off the bed a little, broad muscled shoulders… wild narrow eyes staring down at him from above.  _

 

_ “Koushi…” _

 

As he lay on his side, eyes popping open, the sick feeling in his stomach returned at full force. It suddenly felt like the bed was caving in and he was sinking deeper and deeper into the sheets. In his chest he felt his heart begin to race for some reason and he rolled back onto his back. Clutching his shirt, crumpling the collar in his hand, he wheezed. He needed air. Anything to distract him from whatever was happening... Suga gripped the bar beside the bed with his other hand in an effort to stabilize his whirling head, eyes shutting tightly. 

_ No, no, no, no, no…  _

Everything was turning. He could  _ feel  _ the world spinning around him, even though his eyes were closed and the bed was without a doubt still perfectly on the floor. Realistically there was no way the bed could be moving in that moment, or the room. He knew that. But his mind could barely tell the difference real and fake as the room continued to turn over and over. 

It needed to stop. He wanted it all to end. Suga groaned.  _ Please, please…  _ on top of the spinning he still felt the sinking still. How far did he have to fall? For how much  _ longer _ ?

 

“ _ Suga! _ ” a pair of hands gripped his shoulders and pinned him to the bed. The silveret yelped and tried to lash out, his mind a complete blank, “ _ Suga, open your eyes!”  _

 

The commotion must have caught the attention of the nurses, because the next moment Suga felt more hands on him. They were trying to keep him still. It only helped in increasing his panic and he struggled even more against their strength as he relived those horrifying moments over and over again in his mind.  _ Hide.  _ Suga couldn’t even hear their voices as they called out his name. He only felt like he was spiralling further and further down into the dark abyss of his mind. 

 

Eventually he found he could no longer move. Or maybe he just didn’t have it in him anymore, his strength completely spent. He held his breath, feeling his heartbeat slow down. Every second felt longer than the last as Suga lay pinned there rendered absolutely powerless.  

 

 But the spinning had stopped finally. Everything slowly fell back into place and he no longer felt like he was sinking. 

 

“Suga?” Someone tried again. Suga opened his eyes one at a time, a blurry face coming into view. It wasn’t Yukina. The voice was far too deep and the shoulders far too broad to be his boyfriend. But who else could it be? 

 

_ Ah _ , he realized hazily,  _ it’s Daichi…  _

It was him. As Suga’s eyes fully adjusted to the light of the room again, he finally saw Daichi standing there by his bed. The ex-captain had a worried frown on his face as he turned to the doctor and nurses, asking all kinds of questions about what had just happened and why no one had been in the room with him. The nurses all looked nervous and answered that nothing had seemed out of the ordinary when they’d done their regular rounds. 

 

“Daichi…” The other man whirled faster than lightning as soon as Suga opened his mouth, “Dai…”

 

“Hey you,” Daichi moved to sit on the very edge of the bed, careful to avoid accidentally sitting on the silveret. He took his slender hand in his as he leaned closer to ask, “how do you feel?” 

  
  
  


“Sick.” Suga groaned as he moved his head in another direction. He really did feel like he’d hurl. As if sensing this, the ex-volleyball captain placed the garbage bin within an arm’s length of Suga on the bed. The nurses and doctor excused themselves from the room at that point, explaining they’d be back to run tests and check how the silver-haired man was doing. Daichi only nodded and assured them he’d be sticking around until then. 

 

“Ah,” a nurse with rosy cheeks and a shy demeanor stepped back into the room, her shoulders shaking, “v-visiting hours are o-over. You’ll have to leave and come back i-i-in the morning.” 

 

“I’m family.” He explained cooly. “I don’t want to leave him alone right now.” He must’ve given her one of his scariest looks. The poor nurse suddenly blanched and mumbled all kinds of things before slipping out of the room.

 

Suga closed his eyes as silence once more filled up the room. He was so tired --he just wanted to sleep more than anything - to forget everything that had just happen. To have a dreamless sleep. He counted the seconds, the clock ticking faintly in the background,  _ one, two, three, four…  _ he wondered how long it would take for sleep to take him. After the whole panicked ordeal, he was sure he’d pass out in no time. 

He was vaguely aware of the other man talking by this point. Suga knew he was trying to hold a conversation with him, but the silveret didn’t know what he was saying. 

 

“Are you feeling alright?” Daichi asked again, his voice gentle, “you re being so quiet... Ah-” He tilted his head, looking down at the sight of his once best friend sleeping so peacefully, his features completely relaxed. 

 

The door slid open abruptly a few minutes later, startling Daichi into a standing position. He quietly cursed under his breath as he glanced at the bed and hoped he hadn’t woken the other man. Luckily, Suga hadn’t even stirred. Daichi looked to see who it was. The friend… Yukina? The brunet had a thin sheet of sweat on his skin, evidently he’d run to get back to the hospital, his caramel-coloured eyes a little wild. The bag in his hand dropped to the floor as he rushed to the bed and looked the silver-haired boy over. 

Daichi watched the whirlwind of emotions on the other’s face, the way it twisted guiltily and the way his hands balled into fists. 

 

“Koushi… Suga,” Yukina shook his head, looking at Daichi desperately, “what happened while I was gone?”

 

_ He’s calling him by his first name…?  _ The ex-captain frowned, “he had some kind of panic attack. He was repeating the same thing over and over the whole time.” 

 

The other man swallowed the lump in his throat, “what did he say?” 

 

“Hide.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom, boom. Here's the latest chapter, right on time like I promised~   
> Suga's going through a rough time again ; n ;   
> I feel like I just make him suffer... 
> 
> Well, this chapter is meant to demonstrate how fragile his mind really is after everything that's happened. Unfortunately, Hide's grip on him is really strong.   
> And Kimiko didn't really help. 
> 
> Next chapter will be another interlude~  
> Another Kimiko interlude... >.>
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


	11. Kimiko's Interlude 2

Things always had a way of coming around. Kimiko knew that very well. There would no doubt come a time when she would come to regret her actions towards the boy Sugawara Koushi…

But it was not that time yet.

And she had just begun.

 

Everything had escalated to a point of no return for Kimiko. It had begun with the crumpling of that note in the shoe locker and admittedly the girl had, at first, had a lot of difficulty swallowing her guilt. It hung heavily on her mind for a few days after, especially when she noticed the way Sugawara Koushi glanced questioningly at his best friend in class and during the breaks. There was puzzlement and worry in his expression, no doubt wondering if Daichi was ignoring him intentionally. She should have felt very bad for what she did...

But, the girl realized later, there was a sick kind of satisfaction she'd gotten out of it. And she wanted to keep going down that dark rabbit hole. She'd spent so many years twiddling her thumbs and being afraid of someone who wasn't even capable of mustering up his own courage to confess. While she pushed through the waves, he was stuck in the undercurrent struggling and drowning.

 

She would beat Sugawara Koushi.

 

Kimiko kept an extra watchful eye on Sugawara Koushi and never let him out of her sight between classes. She made the extra effort to keep him from getting too close to Daichi, occupying the captain herself whenever Suga attempted to speak up. She always made sure to stand in the way so he'd never actually see the silveret. And then she'd glance over her shoulder to see the way Suga’s shoulders sagged a little bit and the defeated look on his face only fuelled her on. It felt like she was on top of the world.

Things were going well and Kimiko saw more and more of Daichi outside of school. Some days Yui would be there and other times the violinist built up the courage to invite him to study together somewhere. She only hoped things would progress naturally between them.

 

She hoped that someday she would be able to share her feelings and have them reciprocated. Daichi treated her differently from Yui -- in a way that was more formal and chivalrous- setting her apart from her friend, but she didn't know _exactly_ where it put her in the captain’s eyes. He was known to be a little oblivious to these things and acted polite out of habit. She wanted to break through that formal wall separating them but he _really_ never caught the hints. He remained so oblivious, it was almost frustrating.

Kimiko thoroughly enjoyed being around him though. And, for a brief moment one day, she thought that maybe she could relate to Sugawara Koushi… she could _understand_ what he had come to like in the other.

  


A particularly rainy Sunday afternoon, the two of them had decided to meet up at one of the local cafes to study for finals. Kimiko had skipped out on an important practice, angering her mother immensely. She had all kinds of auditions to prepare for. International and local universities were scouting for their music programs, preparing for the elitist. Her mother had always insisted that Kimiko was the best in what she did and had gone a little overboard in promoting the girl.  

 

But aside from all the musical stuff in her life, Kimiko wanted to live normally. To study with friends. To have a boyfriend. All the usual things someone her age wanted.

Kimiko was zoning out as she sat there, eyes barely focusing on the book in front of her. Daichi on the other hand seemed absorbed in his textbook. He had a serious look on his face, occasionally glancing over at this notebook to jot down some notes and then he’d go back to pressing the pen in his hand to his cheek. _Click, click._ She listened as he pressed the pen cap over and over. It was no surprise that he was one of the top students in the class. Just the way he studied was remarkable. He, along with Suga, were always the ones with the highest scores and Kimiko always wondered _how_ they did it with all the time they put into sports.

 

She must’ve stared for too long, Daichi’s eyes rose to meet hers, “hm?”

 

“Ah,” she looked down at her book again, “I’m just… I’m having a hard time focusing.”

 

“Have something on your mind?” Daichi put his pen down, “I feel like I’m always doing the talking.”

 

How was she supposed to tell him that she was thinking about him? Kimiko wanted to slam her head down on the table in front of her in that moment. He had a curious look in his eye as he leaned a little forward, shortening the gap between them slightly.

 

She nibbled on her lower lip, “I’m just wondering if I’ll get into the university I want to.” The lie felt strange coming out of her. It seemed like such a boring course of conversation, but Daichi went along with it.

Because, would he really do otherwise?

 

“I’m sure you can.” His smile broadened, “you’re going into music right?” She nodded. “I’ve heard from Yui that you’re pretty good at what you do. And you’re smart.”

 

“Have you decided where you want to go?” Kimiko changed the subject a little so they weren’t talking about her.

 

Daichi’s cheek twitched a bit as he took a moment to consider, “I think I’ll go to Tokyo. Originally, I was planning on going wherever Suga went… but…”

 

“But?” She knew she was prying. It was rude, but curiosity was getting the better of her. He didn’t react to it, however, or at least didn’t let the possible offence he took show.

 

“I think we’ve reached the end of our friendship.” He admitted quietly, “friends always part at some point in their lives. I think… I guess, now’s the time for us. At least temporarily. I think we need time to refocus on ourselves,” Daichi looked a little sad, eyeing his cinnamon sprinkled coffee, “we’ve spent _years_ together. It’s no wonder everyone calls us the ‘parents’ of the team. But I feel like this past year has been whirlwind for us both.”

 

Kimiko didn't know what she'd do if Yui and her got to such a point. They had been friends for a little while only, but long enough that the violinist confided in her the most. She was one of her closest friends --someone who could be relied on in Kimiko’s hardest times - someone who'd support her through everything.

 

He brought the cup to his lips then, catching her attention, “I don't want him to resent me.” His words echoed in her mind.

 

She couldn't help but say, “you really care about him, don't you?”

 

Daichi looked as though he didn't know how to take her remark and frowned for a brief moment. Kimiko, mentally, slapped herself. Way to make her insinuation obvious. But as always, the captain was quick to respond and seemingly unaffected by what she'd said mere seconds before.

 

“He's always put me before so many things…” Daichi murmured, “I just don't know how to help him right now. He’s really closing himself off from me.”

 

“Maybe he's having relationship issues?” Kimiko suggested innocently. “Breakup?”

 

Daichi laughed a little, “I've never seen him together with a girl. I doubt he has time for that.”

 

She nibbled on her lower lip. “Maybe he has a boyfriend? It’d be less obvious, probably. He’s been very close with Azumane- _kun_.” The girl shrugged.

 

There was a moment of silence that fell between them, Kimiko peeked up to see the other open his mouth and then close it again. As if the thought of Suga having a boyfriend had never occurred to him. Interesting. Kimiko leaned in herself, her hands tucked under her chin as she gave him a curious look.

 

He shrugged himself, “as far as I know, it’s not the case. He would've told me.” There was a moment of silence, Daichi’s frown deepened and he averted his gaze elsewhere thoughtfully. “We should get back to studying.”

 

“Y-yeah.” Kimiko felt heat rise to her cheeks. “Sorry, it wasn’t my business.” Not a single word was exchanged between them after.

 

***

 

Kimiko happened to be on her way to the music room for practice when she spotted Daichi and Suga standing together in the stairs. They both looked tense from her point of view. The taller of the two had his eyes on the silvert, who glared right back at him. She hid from view immediately, not wanting to take the chance of either of them spotting her.

 

“I have _no_ idea what you’re talking about.” Daichi huffed. “What note?”

 

“The one in your shoe locker.” Suga hissed. He kicked the wall. 

 

“Are we _really_ going to fight over a note?” The captain wondered aloud, “why didn’t you come get me instead?”

 

“You were busy.” The other answered right away. “Your little friend circle isn’t the most approachable.”

 

 _Now you know the feeling_ , Kimiko thought to herself as she listened. She could only imagine the bewildered look on Daichi’s face as he stood there. His irritated grumbling filled the silence of the hallway.

 

“You’re blaming them for your _lack_ of-”

 

“Don’t you _dare_ say what you’re going to.” Suga’s words were sharp. “You’ve been a real ass, lately, Daichi. I don’t know what I did for you to ignore my texts too. I had no idea that _Kimiko_ was so important to you that you’d skip prep school and _our_ study session.”  

 

“My phone _broke_ , I _told_ you out loud,” the captain was red in the face, "were you even listening?" 

 

"I didn't  _hear_ you!" The silveret's voice was unsteady, "how was I supposed to know you were talking to  _me_?" 

 

"For real?" There was a moment of pause. "You were looking me straight in the eyes... but whatever, you’re probably thinking I’m just making an excuse." Daichi sighed, "So, _sorry_ if I haven’t been available at all hours of the day for you. Just leave her out of this.”

 

“Are you dating her?” 

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me.” Suga's tone was dry. 

 

Kimiko swallowed the lump in her throat as Daichi took a few moments. She heard him struggle to get the words out, “Suga…”

 

“ _Forget_ it.” The silveret said, “I don’t want to know. It’s none of my business anyway. You don’t have to tell me those kinds of things.”

 

“It’s not like you’ve been telling me _anything!”_ Daichi yelled back, surprising a few students walking by. “Since when have you and _Asahi_ been a thing?” Kimiko winced. It hadn’t really been her intention to get the ace mixed up in all this. A few students whispered as they walked by, eyeing the two teens with wonder. 

 

“ _A_ _sahi_ ?” Suga’s voice cracked. “ _Really_ ? Who the _hell_ put that in your head? I’ve known him since grade-school!”

 

“ _Is_ it true?” Demanded the captain, “you guys can’t seriously be dating, that’s so-”

 

“Gross? Is that what you're going to  _say_?" Suga didn't even wait before saying, "don't talk to me, Daichi. Don't you  _dare_." 

 

And that was among the last conversations, according to Daichi, that they’d had until the end of the year. They’d tried to act civil around one another to avoid anyone questioning something. They made excuses about their distant behaviour, something along the lines of they were getting stressed over finals and university acceptances.

Rumours of Suga and Asahi's relationship sparked a reaction, spreading through the students and faculty like wildfire. 

 

Graduation was a somber ordeal and Kimiko had only wished for it to go faster.

It was at that point, seeing Suga’s deadpan expression as he’d looked back at Daichi, that she’d come to regret all that she’d done to him. The silent tears had made her heart clench painfully. More so when she'd spotted him squatting in their classroom, sobbing as a worried Asahi stood over him.

 

But soon, they all went their separate paths and Kimiko was no longer forced to face the boy she had hated for all those years. University was everything she’d ever wanted. Daichi, true to his word, went onwards to Tokyo to study and Kimiko was swift in joining him. While he’d gone into education, specifically physical education, she’d gone off to a music school to refine her violin skills. 

Soon enough, there was a demand for her around the country. She joined all kinds of orchestras and auditioned for many abroad. Her popularity continued to rise well into her second year, by then she’d travelled all over, and loved the attention she got from the interviews. She’d fallen out of contact with Daichi, sadly, in order to focus on her career path. Occasionally they’d sent one another texts or meet up for coffee, but it never progressed further than that.

 

Until later.

 

“I saw your interview. You’re really awesome now.”

 

Kimiko had just returned home from Canada. She was tired, it was snowing, and she had a difficult time recognizing the voice. For a brief second she worried about whether or not it was some creeper fan stalking her on the way home, Kimiko gripped her violin bag tighter as the figure of the other approached.

 

“Kimiko?”

 

She blinked, taking in the other's features, “Daichi?”

 

He laughed, “you look like you’re ready to kill me with that violin of yours.”

 

“I was thinking about it,” she loosened her grip on the case. "You look absolutely frightening!" 

 

The smile he’d offered her had made her heart throb.

 

She didn’t exactly know _why_ he’d shown up at that precise time to find her. Kimiko had suspicions that the guilt of ending things with Suga had been slowly eating away at him, creating a sense of loneliness in him. None of the other volleyball players had left the prefecture and he’d caused tension in his friendship with Asahi too. He had found himself alone in a relatively unknown city, with barely anyone to rely on.

 

So they spent as much time together as possible and started dating a few weeks later. Rekindling the feelings they might’ve had for one another in high school.

It was everything Kimiko had ever wanted in her relationship with Daichi. His sense of loneliness blurred over time too, his enthusiasm and warm mannerisms returning. He was very much the same man she had come to love in high school. Supporting everything she did and cheering her on while he finished his own degree. Despite being busy himself, he never missed any of her local concerts. The ones abroad were a little harder and he’d only join her when he could afford to. Or had the time in his schedule. And she really appreciated that.

 

They didn’t fight very often. Most of the time it was Kimiko being moody over something or due to jetlag. She’d learned early on that Daichi wasn’t much of a hand-holder or interested in displays of affection, which suited her just fine for the most part. Although she had occasional fits about it when she was feeling particularly cuddly or needy. He’d give in at times and oblige her requests, Kimiko always made sure to give him something in return. To show how much she appreciated him.

 

But… something always felt off.

 

Sometimes she’d stare at her boyfriend and wonder if she’d made a mistake all those years ago by keeping Sugawara from confessing. Daichi sometimes appeared lost in thought, his eyes unfocused. If Kimiko never said anything he’d sit there for hours. Other times she’d find him holding his phone, mulling over texting Suga, turning it over and over before putting it back on the shelf and walking away.

Then she would tell herself, if she hadn’t done what she had, Daichi wouldn’t be there with her. She wanted to tell him to get rid of the old phone. To throw it away and finally sever the final thread keeping him and Sugawara connected… but she always lost the nerve when she tried bringing it up in conversation. It would always end with his face twisting, an array of emotions playing out.

 

She always wondered whether her boyfriend _loved_ his previous best-friend. Just the way he acted made her think that he really did. Whether he realized it fully himself or not… Kimiko didn’t really know if he understood his own feelings regarding the silver-haired boy.

Daichi had never given off the vibe of someone who was interested in men… but she never didn't consider the idea that he might’ve been. He’d never said anything about loving another man, so she didn’t know for sure. But it was a possibility he didn’t differentiate based on gender. He just never  _spoke_ about it. 

 

She never addressed the matter with him, however. Kimiko chose to avoid it at all costs.

 

They continued dating until the two of them graduated university. Kimiko was surprised at how stable their relationship had been, but then again… it was Daichi. He never purposefully looked for conflict and remained focused on his own work just as Kimiko did. They were too busy and tired to fight. It was easy to date Sawamura Daichi.

A part of her continuously wondered if the feelings between them had been mostly one sided on her part. Daichi always seemed interested when they talked and their intimate life was far from boring… but Kimiko always _doubted_. There was a part of Daichi that she didn’t know, a side of him he kept firmly locked away from her no matter how hard she tried to pry the doors open.

So she tried to forget it.

 

For a while, she did and chose to live her life enjoying what she had with Daichi.  

 

Daichi’s proposal had been out of the blue. Kimiko had just returned from another North American tour when he’d invited her out for dinner and popped the question there. She had been a little out of it at first, not realizing what he’d asked until the ring box appeared in front of her and opened. Everyone around them had jumped up in a chorus of cheers and congratulated them with gleeful shouts. Kimiko had taken a few moments to snap out of her daze.

 

“You’re asking me to marry you?” She wondered, staring down at the diamond ring that looked like a snowflake.

 

“Well,” he chuckled, “yeah. I mean, we don’t have to get married _right_ away, if you don’t want to. I just want...”

 

She didn’t even let him finish, “yes.”

 

Daichi blinked, “yes?”

 

“Let’s get married.” She smiled.

 

From then they’d fallen into some _pattern_. Kimiko was often away while Daichi remained in Tokyo working odd jobs while submitting his resume to different schools. But there were no grabbers. And Daichi, whenever Kimiko returned, was always too tired to do anything. In some ways, she was too and was perfectly content with sitting in their apartment doing nothing.

But the silence that fell between them had grown to be stifling. Kimiko didn’t know what to talk about with Daichi anymore and realized, the more time she spent away, the less she had in common with the ex-volleyball captain. Or maybe she’d _never_ had anything in common with him to begin with.

 

When they planned their wedding, Daichi never seemed engaged. He merely nodded his consent to whatever Kimiko decided and went along with it all. She tried asking for his input but he always shrugged and told her he’d be happy with whatever she picked. It was frustrating -- but at the same time, she knew weddings weren’t typically a guy thing. They only showed up.

So she tried including him in things he’d like. Some days he’d be more excited than others, offering her help when she needed, while other days he’d sit around and stare off.

  
  
  


The visit of an old high school friend really put a nail in their relationship.

 

Tetsurou Kuroo was his name. He was a tall man with amazing, gravity-defying bed hair and a sly cat-like smirk. He had a bit of a “cool bad boy” vibe going for him -- with the ear spacers and black nail polish- there were probably tattoos hidden somewhere on that body too. Kimiko found he looked like a scheming kind of person as he walked into their apartment one afternoon, eyes gliding over their furniture in mild interest. Daichi guided him to the sitting area as he made quick conversation about how they hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years. Kimiko’s hair stood up on the back of her neck. She didn’t like this man.

 

He’d been on an opposing team, but apparently close with Daichi. They’d been in the same year after all.

 

“How’ve you been?” Daichi leaned back in his seat, a fond smile on his face, “how’s everyone on the team -- Kenma?”

 

Kuroo, still looking around, answered, “nothing much, aside from school. Med’s a bitch.” Kimiko watched him scratch his arm, black nails contrasting his skin, “Kenma’s good, we’ve been living together since he graduated high school. He’s the same lazy kid he’s always been, but I love him nonetheless. Everyone else is good as far as I know.” Kimiko wondered if it meant he was dating the one known as Kenma.

 

His eyes flickered to Kimiko questioningly, “I imagine there's a reason to explain why a famous violinist is standing in your living room?”

 

“I’m Matsuoka, Kimiko.” She introduced herself, offering him a small smile. “I’m Daichi’s fiancée.”

 

Kuroo’s brows rose in surprise as his gaze shifted back over to Daichi, “I never thought you’d... Somehow I always thought you had something going on with Sugawara.” Kimiko choked as Daichi’s face blanched, “whoa, whoa, don’t die on me. I was only saying. Obviously some shit happened, sorry.”

 

“I-it’s fine.” Daichi sighed. “I got into an argument with Suga at the end of high school, we haven’t really spoken since.” He looked down at his hands, “I...uh, never had anything with him.”

 

“I guess it only seemed that way to me,” Kuroo tapped his thigh thoughtfully. He looked up at Kimiko, “didn’t mean anything by it.” She didn’t really trust the sincerity of it. He didn’t look as though he hadn’t meant anything by it. He had the look of someone who knew  _exactly_ what they were doing and saying. 

 

“I’m pretty sure he had an interest in Asahi.” Daichi said after a while, “or maybe not. I’m not even sure why I’m assuming he’s gay.”

 

“Hm,” Kuroo tilted his head, “I think you weren’t looking properly. He definitely didn’t have eyes for Azumane. _Trust_ me.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's me procrastinating.  
> Not really, I've finished all my essays and now I just need to study. Here's a bit of a filler -- another interlude (woooo)  
> We get a little more insight on how awful Kimiko is and how boring she is too! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy... the next chapter will be Yukina and Daichi talking over poor little Suga~  
> Thanks for sticking with me and leaving me such wonderful comments!


	12. Unspoken

Yukina sighed into his cup of coffee, eyeing the dark liquid briefly before daring to look across from him. He’d never expected _this_ . Not that it was awkward or anything to sit with Daichi --well, maybe a little- but the medical student had never really spoken to the other in a normal conversation. They didn’t _know_ each other. He’d only heard his boyfriend talk about him and seen a few pictures here and there. And it was so much different from just sitting with a friend. This was the man that his boyfriend had spent years pining over but had never gotten the chance to reveal his feelings to.

 

His lips formed a thin line as he thought about Suga. The silveret had begged him not to go --he should have seen the signs of an oncoming attack. It had been obvious in the way he’d been acting earlier. While the other wasn’t really aware of it, he became clingier than usual in moments of great anxiety. He would latch himself onto Yukina. He would cry more easily.

The memory of Hideki was often the trigger, but the younger constantly had nightmares about him. He hadn’t thought it would make him fall all over again. Not like that.

  


The brunet ran his hands through his hair, pulling and scraping his scalp as he exhaled. How could he have ignored Suga like that? How?

There was a sudden thought that ran through his mind then, one that made his eyes widen and forced him to hold his breath. A fear like no other took him. He was probably shaking in his seat but he could only think of one thing.

 

Were they going backwards? Was Suga going to end up in the same state Yukina had found him in?

The medical student felt his own panic rise as he sat there and imagined the downwards spiral they might be taking in the near future. Of course, it wasn’t unusual for someone like Suga, who’d experienced something psychologically traumatizing, to be prone to relapsing into a depressive state.

 

“So,” Daichi had been staring down at his own hands, gaze locked on his ring finger in particular, “does...it happen often?” He looked calm but the way he gripped his mug… his knuckles were beginning to shift colour.

 

Yukina looked up slowly. The other’s words took a few moments to register in his mind. Were they skipping over introductions? That was a relief. Yukina blinked, remembering the other’s question, “the panic attacks are random. Sometimes they happen more often, sometimes he can go a while without. They usually happen at night time.”

 

“You live together?” Daichi met his gaze. He didn’t look particularly shocked or bothered. It wasn’t like it was unheard of for two guys to live together during college.  

 

“We’re roommates.” He felt winded. “He moved in with me in his first year.”

 

“Was that when it all started?” The ex-captain elaborated, “the attacks. The weight loss.”

 

It really wasn’t his place to say anything on the matter. Sharing Suga’s story, even if it _was_ Daichi, would be so wrong of him. The two of them hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in a few years. _And_ they’d parted on bad terms, so it’d be odd to tell him anything regarding Suga. It’d also be breaking the trust the other so faithfully put in him on a daily basis. Yukina would never betray that. Ever. He didn’t think he had it in him anyways. The guilt would only make his stomach churn and he’d live with the regret for the rest of his life.

He nibbled the inside of his cheek as he carefully selected his words over and over in his mind. Whatever he found himself settling on suddenly wasn’t good enough and he’d go back to thinking. It was hard. He didn’t know exactly how much to say or how to say it without giving away any specific details Suga might’ve not wanted to tell anyone aside from him. Yukina wasn’t even sure how many people knew, truthfully. Suga liked to keep things to himself. He liked keeping himself away --distant- from others whenever possible. The friends he’d made didn’t seem to know much about him when Yukina talked to them.

 

Yukina twisted the cup in his hands and tilted his head.

 

Daichi seemed to sense the discomfort in him, “I was just wondering. Kimiko said she’d seen him in her first year of college.”

 

Yukina frowned as he mulled over the various facts he’d read in passing about the famous violinist, “didn’t she attend a school in Tokyo…?” Suga would’ve definitely mentioned something about seeing her in college. He seemed to dislike her enough.

 

“Ah, it was a school trip.” The other clarified, “she saw him at a club or something. According to her, when she told me, is that he looked like he had in high school. He was leaving with someone when she got there so she didn’t get a chance to say anything. So I guess… I was curious, to see where it all went...” His voice faded sadly, eyes downcast.

 

 _Downhill_ , was what Yukina was sure the other would say. The other’s words echoed in his mind over and over, a cold feeling settling within him and causing him to shiver. Matsuoka Kimiko. The more he heard about her the less he liked. Whether she was famous or not, Yukina found his opinion of her at a sudden low.

 

She’d seen him that night.

 

His expression twisted, his fingers curling, as he thought about it. According to Suga, he hadn't been a regular club goer. He'd  _hated_ them. The sweaty crowds, strobe lights and loud noises. None of it had ever piqued his interest... until he'd agreed to go one time. 

Daichi took notice and gave him a questioning look from across the table. He looked worried, even. Of course, it was to be expected. He didn’t _know_ what had happened… the severity of it all, the significance of his sudden, flaring, anger. Yukina shut his eyes as the scene played out in his mind -- the image of her standing there as Hideki led the unsuspecting and vulnerable Suga out of the club- and he _shuddered_.

 

_She’d been there. She’d seen him. She’d seen him leave._

 

Oh god, what he’d do to turn back time… Yukina felt his shoulders slump forward and a lump rise in his throat. He always wished he could go back and save the younger from experiencing all the things he had.

 

He couldn’t believe that someone who’d known Suga had been there that night.

 

“Hey…” Daichi reached across the table, visible concern in his eye, “you okay?”

 

“I’m sorry, Sawamura- _san_ ,” Yukina opened his eyes slowly. His voice was dry, “it’s really not my place to tell you. I don’t think Suga would want me to.”

 

The other didn’t look satisfied. Not in the least bit, considering the way he gripped his cup again and glared down at it. Unanswered questions were swirling in his head and Yukina knew the feeling all too well. He could understand the frustration -- there was nothing more upsetting than not getting explanations, especially when it concerned someone you had a deep sense of attachment to.

Despite the years of being apart, Yukina sensed that Daichi’s _love_ for his friend had never faded. Not in the slightest. Whether it was romantic or platonic. It didn’t really matter. Just the fact that he cared about Suga, to worry so much, Yukina knew that not knowing the truth probably hurt. Being kept in the darkness was never something pleasant... one had the habit of thinking the worse possible scenario.

 

“I’m sorry.” Was all Yukina found himself saying.

 

“I wish I’d tried so much _harder_ back then.” Admitted the ex-captain in a low whisper, “I feel like I gave up on him.” There was a pause, “maybe I’d given up on myself, too.”

 

Yukina watched as the other’s face fell at the realization. The sadness in Daichi’s expression made his own heart clench. Suga had once said something so similar, telling Yukina that he’d crumbled under the stress. He’d given up. On both himself and Daichi. He’d told him about all his regrets when it came to that final school year and all the things he would have wanted to do differently. Of how much harder he had wanted to work towards preserving the friendship he had.

Only to laugh at himself in the end when he’d finished telling his boyfriend everything. When Yukina wondered about his sudden burst of laughter, Suga had murmured that there was no way he’d ever be able to change what had happened.

 

“We all wish we could fix the past,” Yukina said as he reached across the table for the other, Daichi didn’t pull back and instead gripped the extended hand gratefully, “but we can’t go back, no matter how much we want to. Don’t be so hard on yourself now, Sawamura- _san_.” Yukina offered a reassuring squeeze, “after all, you’ve gotten the chance to meet him again.”

 

“I just feel like I can’t make it up to him anymore.”

 

“You’re being too hard on yourself.” Yukina clicked his tongue. “Be a bit more positive.”

 

Daichi chuckled, “are you sure you’re not a psychology major?”

 

“I’m starting to think I’d be better off there.” Yukina grinned.

 

The other offered a quick smile before it faded and he went back to staring down at his hands, “I really don’t want to mess it up. For the past couple of years I’ve been thinking about how I’d want to fix things up… but it just kind of,” he paused, “we talked and it kind of just fell into place? I thought it’d be so much harder. I _feel_ like it should be.” He admitted.

 

“He spent the past couple of years thinking the same way.” It was one fact he was sure he could reveal. “And I’m sure he was just as surprised at how easily it came together.”

 

“He…”

 

“You were close friends before. Maybe, at the time, you just needed to be apart for a while and sort things out for yourselves.” Yukina didn’t know for sure but sometimes the time away from his closest friends did wonders.  

 

The mood lightened a little bit between them, eventually they made pleasant small talk over all kinds of things. It was better than sitting there in gloom. Everything from school, sports, to random little things, they kept the conversation flowing pretty naturally. Yukina found himself enjoying the company as he waited for the visiting period to begin again. It wasn’t as awkward anymore and it felt something more along the lines of friendliness between them.

Minutes and hours ticked by without them realizing it. By the time the sun was rising, their coffee had gotten cold, and the two were vaguely aware of the hospital beginning to stir with life. Those who’d been on the night shift were eagerly getting ready to leave. Visitors were flooding in to the cafeteria for coffee or breakfast already.

 

Daichi pulled his phone from the inside pocket of his jacket, only to swear under his breath. At Yukina’s curious look, he turned the phone in his direction. There were multiple missed calls and messages.

 

“Your fiancée?” Yukina leaned forward and squinted. They were _all_ from Kimiko. “Whoa, she must’ve stayed up all night. Did you not tell her you’d be here?” He was a little worried for the other man sitting across from him. There was a concerning number of messages on his screen. The capital letters didn’t do anything to comfort him.

 

The ex-captain sighed, “I might’ve forgotten to.” Ah, that wasn’t good.

 

“Tsk, tsk,” he clicked playfully.  

 

“Shut up.” Daichi typed something before shoving the phone into his pocket again. “It’s not like I was up to anything scandalous. I _never_ am. I don’t know why she... Sometimes I just need… to be away.” The brunet looked up at the ceiling before meeting Yukina’s gaze, “Last night Suga was more important than going home and doing nothing.”

 

“Does she accuse you of cheating a lot?” Wondered Yukina, resting his chin on his hands. “I mean, it crosses our minds at some point in a relationship… but it’s worrisome if it happens a lot. You know?” As if realizing how informal he was being, he blinked and apologized. It wasn’t his place to make a comment on the other man’s relationship.

 

“It’s fine.” The other shrugged. “She keeps jumping to conclusions when I go out with people. It doesn’t even matter _who_ I’m with.”

 

“Wedding stress,” Yukina pointed as the phone vibrated, “she’s probably getting all worked up and thinking something bad will happen. Girls get like that. They start stressing over being stressed, then they lash out over the smallest of things. They’re absolutely terrifying sometimes.”

 

Daichi raised a brow, “got a crazy girlfriend?”

 

“Luckily not.” Yukina laughed.

 

“I’m jealous. So they’ve all been normal?”

 

“I swing the _opposite_ way when it comes to relationships.” It was a part of him he couldn’t deny, lying about having a girlfriend would’ve felt too weird. Even if he _was_ a good at acting. Didn’t mean he’d out Suga, of course.  

 

“Oh,” Daichi blinked. It had taken a few seconds for the meaning to register in his mind. Yukina couldn’t help but smile as he quickly rephrased his question, “my mistake. Had any crazy boyfriends?” It didn’t seem to bother him all that much as the words left his mouth. Aside from older people, it was harder and harder to find someone their own age who had something against his interest in men.

 

“I’ve had my fair share of them.” He laughed. “Hence, why I’ve chosen to take a break from it all for the time being. School is crazy enough as it is.”

 

“Again, I’m jealous.” Daichi sighed. “I sort of wish I could take a break.” There was a hint of hopelessness in his tone. It was definitely overwhelming to think that he’d be settling down soon. With the same person for --well, he hoped- the rest of his life.

 

“You technically could.” Yukina leaned back in his chair. He eyed his coffee, wishing it was hot again, “you’re still pretty young to get married, if you think about it. Taking a break wouldn’t be _abnormal…_ ”

 

He didn’t seem sure, “it’s complicated, I guess.”

 

Daichi didn’t know how to explain it exactly. On one hand, he knew that he was capable of telling Kimiko he needed a break… but in recent weeks she had a way of squeezing and guilting him. He was completely aware that it wasn’t entirely healthy for that to happen in a relationship. No matter how much he tried to talk to her, she remained distrustful of his fidelity and the ex-captain had grown so tired of walking on eggshells. Kimiko always made excuses about how she was stressed with work-related issues and the planning of their wedding.

 

Talking to her had become difficult and Daichi often choked on his words around her. She was not entirely the same open person she’d been in high school. Making time to hear him out was something she no longer did, she always sat there with an irritable look on her face or pursed lips. She was too busy being elsewhere. Which was fine. It was normal for them to be focussing on their own career paths.  

 

Did he even love her anymore?

Had he ever loved Kimiko?

 

Daichi shrugged, “I’ll talk to her about it.” He looked at the time, “wanna go see Suga?” The other man didn’t say anything more as he agreed.

 

Suga, momentarily, forgot where he was when he woke up. The disorientation only made him panic as he bolted and stared wide-eyed around himself. It was a hospital. A hospital. His mind raced to connect the pieces swirling in his head just as his gaze flew to the monitors by his bedside, steadily beeping in the silence of his room. Everything felt so hazy. What was he doing in the hospital? Had he…

A sudden fear striking him as his breath hitched, he quickly pulled the sleeves of his pyjamas up. Nothing. The scars were untouched and still healing.

It was a few moments later that events from the previous couple of days played out and everything slowly fell back into place. It suddenly made more sense and the erratic beating of his heart calmed somewhat as he leaned back in his bed. It was… okay.

 

Everything was okay…

 

He stared up at the ceiling. The tightness in his chest was unnerving. A feeling of dread settled in the pit of his stomach as he continuously repeated in his mind that things would be fine. Nothing would happen. Hideki was nowhere near him or involved in his life, he could never get near Suga again… there was nothing to worry about anymore. Nothing had happened in his final years of university. Yukina had been present the entire way, supporting him in his darkest times. He would continue being there for him.

 

Wouldn’t he?

 

He felt a lump rise in his throat.

 

The feeling lingered.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY TUESDAY!  
> I have the next chapter going, so that'll be posted a few days from now~ 
> 
> Daichi and Yukina are gonna become best bros for sure guys. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to drop me a comment or kudos <3  
> If you wanna get a hold of me elsewhere for any reason -- to chat or send me a fanfic request- feel free! 
> 
> Tumblr: Black-rabbit-san  
> Gmail: chai.blackrabbit@gmail.com


	13. Interlude 3

The ring that had been forced onto his finger on the first day was tight and made his hand throb. 

The pain he felt on the second day left him aching all over. 

The third day he spent curled in on himself, wishing it would all go away. 

The will to fight back had left him on the fourth day.

The blood on his sheets hadn’t come out when he’d tried to wash them on the fifth day. 

 

On the sixth, he came to accept that his fate would forever be intertwined with Hideki’s. 

And that dying, would likely feel so much better that  _ this _ . 

 

The other man had left after six days of staying in with Suga, making some excuse about having to work to pay bills and personal expenses. He’d patted the silveret on the head before pulling his clothes back on, each moment unbearably long, and strolled out the front door without another word. Just a slight glance back into the apartment he’d taken as his own, briefly meeting Suga’s dead stare before the door slammed closed A text message followed a few minutes later. The younger considered leaving it as he laid back down into the couch, but his hands and eyes moved instinctively. Hide would be back in the evening. 

The college freshman spent a few more minutes lying on his side before deciding he really had to use the washroom. It was quite an effort to get up and Suga winced at every twist or stretch of his muscles on the way there. When he emerged from the bathroom later, he felt winded. He groaned, leaning against the wall, breathlessly praying over and over for it all to end. The pain was worse this time. So much worse. 

 

He never knew what to expect when it concerned the black-haired man. The other was so unpredictable, Suga spent most of his time looking back or walking on eggshells. Afraid. Hideki knew exactly how to taunt and torment him when he wanted to work the situation to his advantage. Otherwise, he took what he wanted forcefully. 

Suga half expected him to be waiting outside when he dared to peek his head out the door. But no one was there and Hide had been genuine in his words. For once. Surprisingly. 

 

Suga felt bile rise in his throat as he made his way back to the living room, the urge to be sick stronger than ever as his mind raced all over. What was he supposed to do? It felt like he shoudl try to do something while he had a brief moment of liberty. As he walked, he noted the way his pants dragged on the wooden floor and how loose they were. They were  _ really _ loose on his hips. He pulled on the waistband curiously, shocked to find himself capable of pulling it out far. He’d lost even  _ more _ weight than he had in the few weeks after the incident. Without even noticing it. 

When had he last eaten properly? Hideki didn’t offer him anything. They merely  _ existed  _ in the apartment. Suga clenched the material of his shirt in his hands. 

 

The cuts on his arms throbbed, the dull pain giving way to a feeling of desperation as Suga considered ending it right then. Killing himself suddenly felt like the best solution. 

 

He was already making his way back to the bathroom, in a trance-like state, when something snapped. What was he doing? Suga looked around himself wide-eyed, a panic overtaking him as he rushed to sit himself on the ground in front of the couch. Grounding himself. He was suddenly so afraid of what he was capable of doing to  _ himself _ . Without even thinking twice about it. Did he really want to die that much?

Suga closed his eyes, covering his face with his hands. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Everything in his body was screaming. He  _ needed _ someone to hear his calls. 

 

As the clock ticked in the background, Suga recalled something from when he’d been in the hospital. 

 

_ “If you ever need anything, call me. I’m always willing to be a listening ear. Or if you just need something, doesn’t matter.”  _

 

That guy. The nurse or caretaker guy. The one who’d been there when he’d woken up. 

Could he burden him…? He’d offered his phone number. Suga hobbled over to the bag he’d had in the hospital, its contents not even emptied. The paper the other had scribbled on was crumpled and slightly yellowed from age. Or maybe it had always been like that.

 

His fingers trembled as he hesitantly dialed the number on the touchscreen. Each number was double checked as he glanced between the paper and phone. Blinking back the familiar sting of tears, Suga inhaled sharply. Every second that passed only made his throat go dryer and the shame and fear returned. He would regret this. It was better to just… 

No. He needed to call  _ someone _ . 

 

He shakily lifted the device to his ear, pressing it against his skin and he waited. It started ringing immediately. Everything fell silent in the apartment as he sat there shaking. The ringing continued for a few seconds more and just as it sounded like someone was picking up, Suga suddenly lost his nerve and dropped the call with a quick press of his finger. No. He couldn’t do it. 

Hideki would find out. For sure. He’d find out that Suga had tried to reach out to someone else, in a sorry hope that they could free him and he’d punish him for it.  

 

However, the man returned his call within seconds. Suga stared at his screen for the longest time, horrified, watching as the calling notification appeared, disappeared, and reappeared. Over and over. About five minutes had gone by when he decided to pick up. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

_ “Hi! I noticed someone called. Who is this?”  _

 

“S-sorry, I had the wrong number.” Suga felt his lower lip quiver. “It was a m-mistake.” 

 

The young man from the hospital seemed to sense something was up in the way he allowed a few moments to pass.  _ “Excuse me, are you alright?”  _

 

“Fine.” The silveret closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

 

_ “No need to be sorry!”  _ the other paused again. “ _ You… are you sure you’re alright?”  _

 

Suga wanted to tell the other that he was far from alright. He was miserable and felt cornered, like a small mouse staring up helplessly at the ferocious, snarling cat. For a brief second he wanted this total stranger to know everything. He wanted him to help. But the words remained stuck in his throat. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He ended the call without another word and blocked the number. Hideki would never know.  

 

“You stayed in today?” Hideki promptly returned around 4PM. He unlocked the door, as if the place was his to begin with, dropping his backpack and other random belongings on the floor. His hair was messy and the odour of cigarettes suddenly filled the air. 

He moved towards the couch, pausing behind Suga so that he could lean down and press a chaste kiss to the younger’s neck. 

 

“I didn’t feel like going out.” Suga mumbled, turning his head away when Hideki started for his lips. “I was too tired.” Hideki was rough with him, as always, as he pulled the other’s face by the chin. Their mouths crashed together painfully and Suga yelped as the other’s teeth sunk into his lower lip. He shoved against the other’s muscled chest as hard as he could and managed to free himself. His mouth tasted like iron. Suga brought a trembling hand up to his mouth.

 

“You’re lying.” Hideki’s expression was wild, his pupils dilated, “you know what happens when you  _ lie to me _ .” 

 

“I  _ didn’t _ .” Suga’s eyes watered as he examined the blood on his fingers, “please.  _ I’m sorry _ .” 

 

He blanked out after that. 

And for a few days after. 

 

Maybe he just didn’t want to remember anymore. 

 

Every waking moment felt like he was drowning, deeper and deeper with no hopes of reaching the surface. Hideki had managed to warp Suga into a person no one would be able to recognize -- the boy himself wasn’t even able to - he had created what he’d wanted. Someone too afraid to rise against him. Someone submissive and broken beyond repair. 

Suga knew he had never been a weak-willed person, but as weeks progressed with Hideki he started doubting himself all the time. The desire to help himself was diminishing too. He almost welcomed the feeling of freefalling into an endless dark tunnel with no knowing what the future held for him. Suga wanted to see just how far he could linger on the edge. 

 

His nasty habit only got worse and worse, the cuts deeper than ever. Hideki never said anything when he saw them but the look in his eye suggested that he too wondered how far Suga could go with it. How much further, deeper, could he cut before the life drained from him completely? 

Suga loved the rush and feeling of release it gave him, it offered him a brief moment of relief and escape from the reality of his situation. He barely allowed himself time to heal anymore. The scars crisscrossed his wrists now, a huge mess of scabs both red and pink. 

 

The blade was ice cold against his skin, Suga’s breath hitched at the contact and he closed his eyes and leaned back against the shower wall. Should he really be doing this? His thoughts went to all the people who loved him -- who’d all be horrified to know, to see, that this was who he had become. Daichi. His mom and dad. Asahi. The team. 

Suga put the blade down just as Hideki stood in the doorway, a thoughtful expression on his face. 

 

“I need to go out.” He said simply, “I’ll be back.” 

 

“When?” Suga asked out of habit. 

 

“I’ll text you.” Hide’s eyes locked with his, mouth opening slightly to say something before closing again. He turned on his heel without another word and disappeared into the night. 

 

Hideki never came back. 

  
He never sent a message. 

 

But Suga knew he hadn't gone away for good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short! Something while I get the next chapter ready and edited~ 
> 
> I'm a little behind due to Christmas shopping and all haha  
> Oh, and Yuri!! On Ice finale. I had to spend a day recovering. 
> 
> Either way, you get a little look into Suga's college past and how Hideki was. 
> 
> I'm hoping to get a little Xmas fic out in the next day too! It'll probably be Daisuga, but maybe something between Suga and Yukina would be cute >w<
> 
> Happy Holidays to all of you~ <3


	14. Extra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends~ 
> 
> Sorry for the inactivity. Holidays turned out to be full of work days and whenever I plopped myself down for some writing time I'd just pass out on my keyboard.   
> Here's a little extra chapter for you guys while I finish editing the next Story chapter~ 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, here's a bit of backstory on Yukina and Suga <3 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with meeeee
> 
> Happy 2017!

A whole year had gone by already since Hideki had left. Time had flown so incredibly fast, Suga almost couldn’t believe it. He’d finally gone back to attending school regularly and had moved out of his old apartment to live with the medical student Yukina. Everything had gone smoothly and he genuinely enjoyed the other man’s company when he was around. It was normal. Not in any way did it feel forced or tense. He could speak naturally and without fear of being attacked or berated, Yukina had made it clear that he never wanted Suga to feel uncomfortable while living in his new home. He insisted the other to be honest with him at all times. 

 

Suga lay in bed a cold wintery morning, contemplating whether he should get up to make tea or not. His feet were so very cold despite the thick duvet on top of him and he was craving for something warm. Each passing minute only made it worse. His eyes remained fixed on his bedroom door. If he went, he’d be able to enjoy it in bed and warm up in comfort. Maybe he’d get the chance to do a bit of reading while sipping his tea. 

As he tiptoed across the floor, he grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it on over his head hurriedly just as he started shivering from the cold. The heat wasn’t at all high enough for him in the apartment. He’d probably mention something to Yukina or the landlord. The silveret slipped out and into the main living space with downcast eyes, wanting to avoid looking into the strong streams of sunlight in the cracks of the curtains. 

 

“Oh, hey.” 

 

Suga looked up as he neared the small kitchen, surprised to find someone else standing there. Someone who was definitely  _ not _ Yukina. He was tall and broad shouldered, obviously fit, with clear eyes and a charming smile as he turned to face Suga. His hair was a dark-chocolate colour and trimmed relatively short as opposed to Yukina’s longer locks. 

“You must be Yukina’s roommate?” The other tilted his head, “he mentioned someone else was living with him now.” 

 

“Y-yeah.” Suga averted his eyes. Who was this guy? Yukina had a tendency to hang out with the same crowd -- people he’d known since middle school, a guy who dyed his hair on a weekly basis and a foreign-born guy- and rarely brought anyone else home. He’d never even seen a girl in the apartment. Suga never made assumptions and had never really addressed the matter verbally with the medical student, just out of respect. Privacy. It always seemed to be a weird topic choice when they were nothing more than roommates. They were friends… maybe? Yukina knew almost everything about him and Suga was beginning to know more and more about the brunet.  

Suga momentarily considered going back to his room, until Yukina himself appeared moments later. He peeked around the corner with wide eyes and the younger couldn’t help but notice the slight pinkish-tint to his cheeks. Was he embarrassed?  

 

Oh. 

Something clicked in Suga’s head as his eyes shifted to the stranger in the shared apartment. He was leaning against the counter casually, a smile on his lips. 

Maybe Yukina wasn’t interested in girls. 

 

“Ah, Suga, sorry. I thought you’d still be asleep.” The medical student scratched the back of his head, hands ruffling through his brown locks. He looked so worried for some reason as his eyes moved from his to the other man’s.  

 

“Want me to give you guys some privacy?” Suga wondered, glancing between them. “I can go for a walk or something. Come back later.” Yukina was just about to open his mouth, obviously intending to decline by the expression on his face but the third one in the room spoke up first.

 

“No, no. That won’t be necessary,” the man smiled. “I’m heading out for my morning run. I’ll head home at the same time. I don’t want to take any more of Yukina’s time.” He waved and moved towards the front door, the medical student following closely to say goodbye. 

 

Suga counted the seconds that passed as he prepared his tea. Milk. Sugar. Yukina shuffled back awkwardly and kept his gaze on the floor the entire time. For a brief moment, Suga wondered if he’d retreat back to his bedroom but he leaned on the counter instead. The silveret watched as he tried to give himself some kind of pep talk, his brows furrowed. 

  
  


“I…”

 

“It’s ok.” Suga said simply. “You’re allowed to have a normal life.” 

 

“I just… I drank too much last night and we just ended up here.” Yukina was wringing his hands together, a frown on his face, “I don’t want you to feel...”

 

“I’m fine.” Suga shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me, really.” 

 

Yukina looked up at him, “you’re sure?”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

Suga let out a small laugh, surprising himself. Even the other. “What’s he like? He looks so cool...” 

  
  


* * * * * 

 

It was a couple of weeks later that Suga came home to a sobbing wreck that was Sugimura Yukina. The older medical student said nothing as he entered and remained curled up on the floor like a shaking mess. For a moment, the silver-haired student could only stare and wonder what had happened to make someone as  _ cheerful  _ and  _ optimistic  _ as Yukina cry like that. He’d never seen him so upset. 

He didn’t even react when Suga tried talking to him, his eyes were shut closed and he only sobbed louder and louder. Shaking. The younger student lifted the messenger bag from his shoulders and slowly put it down as he tried to think of something to do for the other. He had no idea what this was all about… 

 

Without another thought more, Suga dropped to his knees beside the man and wrapped his arms around his trembling figure and waited. He did the same exact thing Yukina had done when he’d woken up in the middle of the night screaming and sobbing. Begging to some god for Hideki’s touch to vanish once and for all from his skin, for the burning and icy touch to become nothingness. 

 

The medical student had been his lifeline. 

Suga would be Yukina’s. 

 

A little while later, the two of them on the ground lying next to one another, Yukina opened his eyes and looked at Suga as if he was seeing him for the first time. He looked awful, Suga silently thought in his mind as the other’s puffy eyes closed once more. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I’m sure you have a million questions.” 

 

“I won’t ask.” Suga murmured a second later. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little bit curious, but it was not his place to push. “You can tell me if you want. I won’t force you to tell me anything.” 

 

The medical student froze, obviously shocked. His breath was a little uneven as he totally stopped thinking and stared at the other with wide eyes. Yukina’s mouth opened but it closed seconds later. There were no words to express the gratitude he felt in that moment. 

 

“Suga,” Yukina’s voice was barely above a whisper as he leaned closer, their noses inches apart. He looked at the younger student with glassy eyes, “Sugawara Koushi.” The boy gave him a questioning look as he mustered the strength to utter the words, “thank you,” and he pulled the other into a tight hug. 

 

The truth had been this, Yukina had felt ashamed for his outburst in front of Suga. It had not been his intention for the other to see him at all and he felt nothing but embarrassment when the younger had comforted him. It had felt wrong because  _ he  _ was supposed to have been Suga’s comfort in a difficult time. Not the other way around. 

It hadn’t taken long for Suga to put the pieces together, although he didn’t know the fine details of how it had all gone down. Yukina’s boyfriend had left him. That much he knew for sure because the man didn’t show up anymore. The circumstances were foggy still and yet despite his curiosity the student kept true to his word about not asking. He waited until the other felt more comfortable about opening up about it. 

 

“It was stupid of me to think I could ever date someone like him.” Yukina admitted one evening when they were settling down to watch a movie. “He thought I was someone else.” Suga didn’t say anything, “he thought I was the perfect innocent student who’d willingly…” 

 

“He didn’t  _ do _ anything to you… did he?” Suga’s voice was devoid of emotion and Yukina winced beside him. 

 

“No, no.” He assured the younger. “Nothing.” 

 

“He left you because you wouldn’t…?” The silveret trailed off, mouth closing. 

 

“For a number of reasons.” The brunet admitted. “I’m really not who everyone makes me out to be. I’m not popular. I’m...“

 

“You like sitting at home after school to study, usually you wrap yourself in a blanket and sit on the floor or at your desk. All that over studying at the library or a cafe.” Suga was looking down, “you don’t like to be in huge groups and prefer to stick to your close friends over making new ones, which causes you to feel lonely when they’re all busy. But you always tell them otherwise when they start worrying.

 

“You’re confident but not cocky, you don’t like to show off unless you’re teasing or joking around.” Yukina blinked as Suga went on, “you love working with kids. You smile the most when you’re volunteering at the hospital…” 

 

The medical student continued to listen attentively as the other perfectly listed all his qualities and faults. There was no judgment in his tone as he spoke. What amazed Yukina, above all else, was that he’d done this from observation alone in the year that they’d been living together. Sugawara Koushi had noticed all the little details that had taken some of his closest friends years. Down to the tiniest of things, such as the way the medical student tied his shoes using the bunny-loop method. 

Yukina wasn’t aware of the tears streaming down his face until Suga shot him a worried look, asking him if he’d said anything hurtful and dragging himself closer. The brunet pulled the other into a tight embrace and laughed, assuring him nothing he’d said had been wrong or bad. It had all been… 

 

“You know me better than any of my friends,” he laughed through the tears. “Suga,” the words were caught in his throat, he held the other tighter, “thank you.” 

He was definitely falling in love with Sugawara Koushi. 

 

* * * * *

tbc  
  



	15. Shatter

Discharging Suga from the hospital, the doctors were wary and didn’t seem at all convinced that he was fine. Letting him out seemed like the last thing they wanted to do as Yukina signed the release papers and assured them that everything would be fine. But even his boyfriend had had a concerned expression on his face as he signed the last form. There was an unspoken fear within them, Suga recognized this very well by the way they started acting all careful around him. Like he was fragile and made of glass. A ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Yukina grew silent during his visits and watched him from the corner of his eye whenever he thought Suga wasn’t aware. But catching him in such a state was rare.  

 

Suga was just as, if not more, observant than his boyfriend. He knew the subtle looks to watch for mostly because he’d spent so long staring at Daichi. In order for others to avoid catching on, he’d been careful. As far as he knew the only other who’d seen him had been Kimiko.

 

Walking out of the hospital together, Suga briefly glanced over to Yukina who kept a steady pace next to him. The other man had a seemingly permanent frown on his face, his brows knitted together worriedly as he silently mulled over his words and occasionally mumbled under his breath. Clicking his tongue, Suga’s eyes returned to the street ahead where there were families and people walking about. The sight was peaceful. Calming. It made Suga’s heart tighten a little as it momentarily distracted him from his darker thoughts.

 

“Maybe we should stay longer.” Yukina suggested as they continued down a path that forked at the endl. He elaborated a few seconds later when the silveret offered him a questioning look, “here. At your parents. Maybe it’ll do you good to be away from campus. From everything.”

 

“ _Why_?” Suga wondered, his voice hoarse.

 

Yukina bit his lip nervously, “I’m just worried that you being around everything there will...”

 

“Stop.” The younger heaved, bending over. Yukina didn’t even have to finish his sentence for Suga to understand what he meant.

 

He feared that Suga would try taking his own life again. They were nearing the date of the incident… it always caused the other to retreat into himself and have panic attacks. However, unlike the last attempt, this time Yukina was absolutely sure the younger would be successful and would disappear for good. There had been many days in the past when the medical student hadn’t known whether it would be the last time he’d see the other. It had been _that_ unpredictable. And every time he’d watched the other go through the door, he’d felt his heart drop over and over.

 

“We can stay and relax here for a bit longer.” Yukina gripped his jacket, the material bunching a little in his hands. “Spend more time with your friends.”

 

“ _You_ need to get back to school.” Suga stopped walking. “You can’t afford to take more than a week off.”

 

“Don’t you want to catch up with Daichi more? I can commute.”

 

Reasoning with him was futile. Suga saw the way the other shook, the pain evident in his eyes as he tried to think of any reason to keep them from returning to their apartment in the next few days. Yukina was surprisingly and annoyingly very stubborn when he had his mind set on something. Or against something, apparently. But this was desperation. He was truly adamant about not going back until he was sure the silveret was alright.  

 

“Of course I do,” Suga sighed. “But he’s getting married and I really doubt Kimiko wants me around.” He shook his head, “the commute is impossible. You’ll be even more exhausted.”

 

Suddenly remembering what Daichi had said about Kimiko being in the club the night of the incident, Yukina’s eyes grew wider and his mouth opened slightly. He really wanted to confirm that. Even if he was a few days late getting back to school. The teachers would understand if he said it was something personal, he’d never gotten on their bad sides in all the years he’d been attending. With his residency quickly approaching in the next year they were being a little more relaxed for some reason.

 

Yukina looked long and hard at the fair-skinned, silver-haired, man in front of him. The one he loved. Potentially the person he’d spend the rest of his life with if matters continued going well for them. The thought always caused his stomach to flip. Future. It felt like such a time away and the opportunities immense.

It really felt like forever ago they had been nothing more than strangers attending the same university. Those times were vivid yet blurry. Their relationship had changed so much in that timeframe, going from roommates, to friends and then to lovers.

 

“I want to stay.” He admitted, “I want to spend time here where you grew up.”

 

Suga’s features softened, the man tenderly reaching for his boyfriend, “Yukina…”

 

“I feel like there’s still _so_ much I don’t know about you.” The brunet wrapped his arms around the other gently. “I want to know your parents a little more, even if I’m nothing more than a friend of yours in their eyes.” Suga stiffened. “I’m not asking you to tell them about me, I won’t ever force you out. Whenever you’re comfortable. I just…”

 

Yukina closed his eyes, “did people ever tell you that your smile…”

 

“Is warm like my mom’s? _So_ many times.” Suga laughed a little. “Fine. Let’s stay a few days more. Just a few, okay?”

 

The two of them were startled at the sound of someone clearing their throat, Yukina pushed and jumped away first. Both of them turned to find Sawamura Daichi standing there with a bemused look on his face.

Suga watched the colour drain out of Yukina’s face as the man realized he might’ve just accidentally outed his boyfriend. He blinked a few more times than necessary as a jumble of words left his lips, most of them inaudible to the ear with everything happening around them. The silveret glanced over to his once best friend. For some reason, he’d expected some kind of reaction out of him over seeing them hugging. Even out of himself… but he didn’t feel any different.

For sure he felt a little nervous, his heartbeat was a bit faster than usual, but nothing detrimental. It just felt okay.

 

“Was I interrupting something?” The ex-captain wondered.

 

“N-No.” Yukina took a particularly sharp intake of breath.

 

Despite how bad he felt for his boyfriend, Suga couldn’t suppress the laughter. He doubled over as he tried to stifle as much of it and he was vaguely aware of the way the other two were looking at him. Both of them looked somewhat surprised to hear him being so expressive.

 

“You two…” Daichi looked between them with a smile after a while, once Suga had calmed down a little, “you’re really close, aren’t you?” Yukina continued blabbering about something nervously, Suga cringed a little at how obvious and suspicious he was acting… but the captain said nothing about it as he turned to offer Suga a wide smile.

 

The walk back home was a peaceful one. They spoke about all sorts of things and people Suga hadn’t thought about in a while. Daichi offered news about old teammates, both from the Karasuno team and other school teams. According to him, Kenma and Kuroo were living together. Whether they were a couple or not was still a major mystery to the ex-captain and he voiced his thoughts to the silveret, asking him if he’d ever noticed anything between them.

 

“They’ve always been together.” Suga glanced to the sky, “the way Kuroo used to look at him… the way _Kenma_ used to…” He laughed, “it was obvious back then that they were already going out.”

 

“ _No way_.” Daichi gave him a baffled look and shook his head, “not possible. I would’ve noticed that for sure.”

 

“You’re too dense to notice, Daichi.” Sighed the ex-setter. Beside him, Yukina stifled a chuckle, “Ask him next time. Kuroo’s a super honest guy when you ask him direct questions.” Daichi’s brows were furrowed.

 

The three of them didn’t even notice the time fly by as they walked and stopped to sit somewhere, their conversation deepening and touching all kinds of topics. Suga sat between the two men and looked between them whenever he or they started talking and he couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on his lips. A part of him felt giddy, the feeling of sitting there with them reminding him of high school and all the late evenings he’d spent chatting with his best friend. But with Yukina this time. Yet, the older medical student didn’t seem to feel out of place with them and spoke as though he’d been friends with Daichi for years. It felt normal and perfect to the silveret and he selfishly wished the moment could last forever...

 

A sudden thought occurred to him then, hitting him with a certain amount of sadness, he realized he was sitting with the two people he loved more than the whole wide world. For either of them he would drop everything and anything to make them happy or feel safe.

 

Before he could catch himself, he realized he was shaking.  

 

“Suga?” Daichi leaned in, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, “you look like you’re freezing.”

 

Yukina mirrored the action, “you got quiet all of a sudden.”

 

“I just got lost in thought.” He said slowly. “I’m probably just tired from everything that’s happened.”

 

The ex-captain was the first to pull away when Suga felt the vibration from his cellphone through his jacket. No doubt it was Kimiko calling him. His nostrils flared a bit as he looked at the screen, hesitating about answering it. Yukina peered over as he pulled Suga a little closer and subtly reached to join their hands, their fingers entwined. The contact was a little electrifying and the younger couldn’t help the shiver that coursed through him and made him flinch a bit.

Beside him Daichi continued to contemplate as he held the phone, the screen going on and off as Kimiko kept redialing. He didn’t say anything but Suga could see how much he didn’t want to speak to the other woman.

 

Yukina broke the silence first, “The two of us can vouch for you, if you need.”

 

Daichi sighed. He shoved the phone into his pocket without another second thought, “it’ll be fine.”

 

“Don’t you need to get back?” The medical student looked mildly concerned over the matter as he stiffened.

 

“You make it sound like I have a curfew.” The ex-captain gave him a dry look but laughed softly a few seconds later.

 

There was a long moment that passed between them but in Suga’s mind, it felt like a booming eternity. All kinds of questions and thoughts were bouncing around as he sat there beside both men. Daichi had his eyes raised to the sky, a glassiness to them that the silveret had not often seen before in the other. He was familiar with the sight, however, having been in that position before when he’d been on the brink of tears.

 

Daichi’s head whipped in his direction, but he was staring past him to where Yukina was and the silveret was surprised to see how close the other was to exploding, “could I walk with Suga for a bit?” There was an unspoken word hidden within. ‘Alone’. He wanted to speak to him alone.

 

Yukina looked a little surprised at the suddenness but he seemingly understood as he nodded. He gave Suga a reassuring squeeze, “sure.” Then he said to his boyfriend, “I’ll let your parents know you’ll be a little late.”

 

“Thanks, Yukina.” Suga offered a squeeze back. He watched as Yukina returned alone, the brunet turning to look back just before rounding a corner. There was something in his eyes that made Suga’s heart pinch. The insecurity. But it was gone in an instant as turned away.

 

Alone, together, the two ex-best friends made their way down the street and towards the river path they’d often favoured as a way back home. It was where they’d shared all kinds of secrets, where Suga had often walked a few paces behind and watched the other man. Falling in love with him more each and every time he’d turn back, offer the silveret a sweet smile and reach a hand out for him to take. But this time was different. He walked at the same pace, with Daichi instead of behind him.

 

Amazingly, there was something oddly comforting about being beside the other. Suga _had_ felt a sense of disconnection with the captain in their last year of high school but in that moment he no longer felt that way. There was nothing but comfort. Security. Much like how he felt when he was with Yukina.

 

They stopped once they reached the river path, both of them watching the gentle rush of water go by. There were still kids playing around and they sped by like lightning, laughing and oblivious. Suga recalled being the same way in his early youth with Asahi, a timid Daichi watching from a distance as he made his way back from elementary school.

 

“I heard you decided to stay for a few days more.” Daichi’s eyes were downcast, his voice quiet and barely above a whisper, “I didn’t know your stay was only temporary and so short.”

 

“You’re moving back here?” The silveret wondered, leaning against a nearby tree that lined the path. Asahi had mentioned something about it in conversation.

 

“Mm. I got a job to teach here. Coming back to Karasuno felt right.” He looked over, a sad look in his eye. “You’ll look for a job around where you live now?”

 

Suga shrugged. A part of him wanted to go back to school to pursue further studies, but he wasn’t sure he had it in him anymore. But the fear of facing a big wide world often left him breathless and unwilling to go forward as well. He wanted to stay where he was. Frozen. Unmoving.

 

“I don’t know what I’ll get. Or if I’ll get anything.” Suga said honestly. “Kimiko didn’t want to live somewhere else?”

 

“She said there’s nothing better than here.” Daichi was staring at something far away. “With all the travelling she does, I guess she gets homesick sometimes.”

 

“What is she going to do until the wedding?” The ex-setter knew she had a whole bunch of events planned for the next while when he’d glanced at a magazine. He’d even heard about something on the radio.

 

“She’ll keep doing what she does.” The ex-captain said simply. He didn’t look particularly upset that he’d spend a lot of time alone while his soon-to-be wife was off travelling the world, at least until their wedding, “I don’t think it’d be possible for me to follow her _everywhere_. When we get married she said she’d settle down a little but...”

 

“But?” Suga offered him a questioning glance.

 

“I don’t want to keep her tied down.” Daichi sighed. “I know she’s doing what she loves and I feel like she’s rushing into this without thinking about it. I never understood her hurry. She always seems worried.”

 

Kimiko had always had her eyes set on winning Daichi. She’d quietly shunned Suga for harboring feelings for his best friend, her glances far from subtle when he’d caught her eye. When their arguments had escalated she’d rushed in like some kind of hero… occupying most of the captain’s time.

Suga couldn’t deny the fact that he’d been jealous of Kimiko. Maybe a part of him was still.

 

Her seeing him again, the previous feelings of disdain and frustration had probably resurfaced within her. She was likely afraid that Suga would try to win back his best friend and ruin the life she had established for herself. His presence in town was making her sweat and she was desperately praying that nothing would change.

It was his own thinking, perhaps she was only nervous about the wedding in the end. He did not like the girl but he wished no harm to her.

 

He slowly realized Daichi was looking at him, Suga met his gaze, curious. The man’s next words felt like a knife to his heart, “I don’t want to lose you again, Suga.”

 

What did he expect to hear in return?

 

“You won’t.”

 

“Promise me.” Daichi turned to him sharply, “promise me.” His plea was desperate and the look in his eye was heart wrenching. Painfully so.

 

The silveret felt that familiar sense of dread return as he held his breath.

 

When they were making their way back, the feeling only continued to dwell and he couldn’t help but stop to catch his breath every now and then. He’d stop on a street corner and look around as the world started spinning. Daichi glanced back worriedly but Suga only waved it off as him being tired. But he was far from that.

 

As they neared Suga’s family home, they both spotted Yukina standing outside with someone. Daichi squinted as the silver-haired man blanched a little.

 

It was Kimiko.

 

She was clutching her cheek, which was red and puffy, tears in her eyes as a very wild-eyed Yukina stood there, breath uneven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More coming in the next couple of days~ 
> 
> The original file I had for this chapter was super duper long and I really didn't like the way it was all together... so I decided to split it up >u>  
> Don't hate me too much for ending it here... hehe. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3


	16. Truth

Yukina was panting, his eyes wild, as Suga approached carefully with his hands outstretched. The other didn’t even seem to notice him getting closer. His attention remained fixed on the idol violinist standing on the street in front of him. It was frightening. The silveret had never seen his boyfriend so angry and aggressive in all the time they’d been together. He was not someone who looked for fights. If anything, he hated them more than anyone.

 

“Don’t you  _ fucking  _ dare talk to him again.” He hissed to Kimiko, who stood completely motionless as Daichi went over to her, “I swear to god I’ll-” 

 

“ _ Yukina _ .” Suga shook the other by the shoulders, “hey, hey, stop. What’s wrong with you? You’re making a scene.” There were people looking out from the windows. Even his own parents were there, his mother looking horrified as she placed a hand over her mouth. 

 

Suga bit his lip, frowning, “why’re you so mad?” 

 

It took a full five seconds before Yukina tore his gaze away from Kimiko to look at Suga. His face was pale as he said, “she was there that night.” 

 

He was about to say something about not understanding, but the meaning behind the other’s words hit him at full force. There was only one night he could be referring to. It was the one that had changed everything --from who he had been to who he was now- the one that had ruined his life for the longest time. The one that had started his bad habit. The one that made him ashamed of who he was, for being weak and naive. 

It took a second for him to realize he wasn’t breathing. Another to realize he was gripping Yukina so hard his knuckles were white and that he was having the hardest time staying upright. He’d instinctively started leaning into the other. He shakily turned to Kimiko, eyes wide, and mouth ajar. She met his gaze easily and without any kind of hesitation as Daichi had his back to him. The lack of empathy as he stared into those dark eyes was so terrifying he felt a shiver run down his spine. 

 

“D-do you know… what happened?” He felt his mouth going dry.

 

When she averted her gaze, lips thin, the world just stopped working. Suga went completely still and his heart drummed painfully as the ill feeling returned and settled in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t look at her. He didn’t look at Daichi. Suga felt his body shaking, his eyes filming with tears as Yukina settled his hands on his shoulders.  

  
  


When Kimiko had admitted to seeing Sugawara Koushi those couple of years back in the night club, Daichi hadn’t thought much of it. Nothing about what she’d said had come across as concerning in any way to the ex-captain. He’d thought it to be amazing chance that Kimiko had run into his best friend, of all the possible clubs that existed, but beyond that it hadn’t occurred to him that the encounter had been far more serious in nature.  

 

He was leaning against the kitchen counter later that evening, his eyes glued to the wood flooring. They had gotten back not too long ago and the entire walk had been in utter silence. Daichi hadn’t known what to say and by the looks of it, neither had Kimiko. She had walked beside him with her head hanging low.  

 

His lips were a thin line on his face, “do I want to ask about what that was all about? For some reason I think I’m the only one out of the loop.” 

 

Kimiko didn't say anything for a while before asking, a severe look on her face, “did that guy say  _ anything _ to you?”

 

“Nothing.” Daichi said simply. 

 

“Daichi-”

 

“Tell me.” He gave her a hard look. “I’ve  _ never  _ seen him look as upset and sick as he did back there. I feel like I’ve taken about fifty steps backwards and that I might never see him again. Talk.” 

 

Suga had blanched and sunken to his knees in front of his house, heaving and clinging to a very frozen Yukina. It didn’t take long for the brunet to return to reality, however. He’d enveloped the silver-haired man in a tender hug before helping him up and walking them back to the door. Just before disappearing, Yukina had peered over his shoulder. The look had been of pure hatred and pointed at none other than Kimiko. 

 

“Don’t make me ask again.”

 

She bit her lower lip, a frown creasing her lovely features. “There was no way I would have been able to stop what had happened.” It sounded like she felt the need to defend herself as she stared at him. Somehow, it only put him off more. The way she had her gaze locked on him and silently asked him to forgive her already.

 

“I had no way of knowing it’d end up that way.” She said seriously, her lip trembling, “when I saw Suga that night, in that club, he was with someone. I didn’t go up to him because I thought it’d be awkward considering everything that happened in high school.” Kimiko swallowed, “but when I started getting closer, I saw who he was with.” 

 

“With someone?” He frowned. “So?”

 

“It was someone my fans warned me about before going there.” Kimiko tucked a lock of brown hair behind her ear, “I didn’t think they were serious so I didn’t really pay attention until I saw him myself. Seeing him in person, he gave off the exact vibe they warned me about.” 

 

Daichi’s heart skipped a beat. Someone she'd been warned about…? He suddenly felt a hollowness in the pit of his stomach, knowing he wouldn't like where the conversation was going. There were no good thoughts popping into his mind as he sat there waiting for her to continue. Her lips were a firm line on her face.

 

“What kind of person is he?” It was obvious that he’d have to prompt the answers out of her -- seeing as she wasn’t continuing. Kimiko looked so unwilling to share more and the way she furrowed her brows and inhaled only made his thoughts worse. 

 

She looked away, “the kind of person you don't get mixed up with for a number of reasons.” He gave her a look that meant he needed more of an explanation than that. “Notably because he’s involved in drugs and has a history of… stalking and sexual assault. He’s a very smooth talker, it’s hard not to fall for his charms.” Kimiko suddenly looked uncomfortable, “he's gone to jail plenty of times but he's got connections apparently, so he never stays long. But he’s famous around there.” 

 

“He... was with Suga?” Daichi found it difficult to breathe as his fiancée nodded. “You saw him and didn't feel the need to extend the same kind of warning to someone you knew in high school?” The fact that Yukina had slapped her suddenly made all kinds of sense. It was brutal… but if Daichi had been in the same position he likely would have done the same thing as the medical student. 

 

It almost felt as though he’d been slapped himself. The conversation was heading a way he wasn’t sure he really wanted to go for -- everything about it was making his insides burn and he struggled to breathe properly. With each inhale, pain coursed through his body. 

 

“I didn't think it applied to guys too.” She said quietly a moment later. Before he had a chance to talk, she added, “I didn’t think he’d go after  _ guys _ .” 

 

“Do you know…” Daichi closed his eyes. “Do you know what happened when they left?” The way she fell so silent only seemed to confirm his question. It was so sickening the world was spinning around him. 

 

“I left the club a little while after.” She had her hands folded perfectly on her lap, the golden ring on her finger glistening in the soft kitchen light, “I saw them stumbling out of a bar, Sugawara- _ kun  _ drunk out of his mind.” He’d always been a lightweight. It had worried him when they’d graduated, even though they’d fought so much and parted on bad terms, a part of him had worried about his best friend in that aspect. He’d often called Asahi, begging the other to watch out for him… 

 

Of course, now it all made sense. There had come a point in time when Asahi had mentioned having no contact with the silveret at all no matter how much he tried getting a hold of him -- it matched perfectly with the time after the night at the club. The ex-ace had gone to stay with Suga for a week or so after a call, but he’d left with a feeling of unneasiness and dread. He’d explained to Daichi that  _ something  _ had seemed wrong but that the previous setter had been reluctant to say anything about it. Actually, he’d been adamant about not saying anything. But neither of them had done anything about it because it was  _ Suga _ . They’d always known him to be the one with a proper head on his shoulders...

 

Daichi closed his eyes, painfully tight. A part of him didn’t want to know the rest because he  _ knew  _ what the end result was now. Just a look at Suga, anyone would know that the weight loss and the hollowness in his looks were related to the incident. But, he knew he’d have to hear it. The fact that it had happened could never change now. If he had been there himself, he knew he would have done  _ everything  _ to stop it all from happening… but he hadn’t been. No one but Kimiko had been there. Only  _ she  _ could have done something. 

 

He suddenly felt sick. 

 

If only she had. To know that the woman in front of him had been there, had done nothing and had only stood by while his best friend had... How could she live with herself? How on  _ earth  _ could she breathe each day and be content with what she had not done? He looked at her, hurt to find her so calm and unfazed. She looked like she was just telling him another story. Like it wasn’t a big deal. 

 

“The guy leaned in for a kiss and I saw them disappear.” She finished. “I heard a rumour the next day that…” Kimiko flexed her fingers, “you know.” The word didn’t even fly past her lips. 

 

Even Daichi had difficulty speaking as he said, breathlessly, “he...raped...Suga.” She nodded slowly. 

 

And that was the truth. 

The whole world was spinning around him. A cold feeling settled within him as he looked his fiancée over and over, the sick feeling rising to his throat. Now he understood Yukina’s anger because he felt it himself. It was all so unfair. To think that his best friend had suffered at the hands of some  _ monster _ and felt  _ excruciating  _ pain… and that Daichi hadn’t been able to protect him… he hated it. He wanted to scream. He wanted to take back time and fix what had gone so terribly wrong. 

 

He recalled the smiling Suga, cheering their team on from the sidelines, hiding his desires to play on the court himself. Selflessly making room for the next generation despite it being his last chance -- his last chance to be a part of the team he’d worked so hard to rebuild with his closest friends. All the good times replayed in his mind. Every moment where Suga had chastised them for being silly and too hard on themselves, and then changed to some nurturing mother-hen whenever someone injured themselves. 

He had meant the whole world to everyone. 

 

The ex-captain started remembering the fights, all the petty little arguments that had happened over the course of a couple of weeks. The bitter and hurt look in Suga’s eyes. 

 

Daichi didn’t even try to hold back the sob that came out of his mouth a moment later. He didn’t feel an ounce of shame for crying so openly in front of the woman he claimed, somehow or another, that he loved. Kimiko looked over to him with wide eyes but Daichi continued regardless of anything she said. He couldn’t deny the sadness and guilt in his heart over the thought that he had abandoned his friend. His beautiful, kind and gentle friend… 

 

“Daichi…” 

 

“Stop.” He shuddered. “Just… leave me alone. I can’t even look at you right now… how could you even…?” The ex-captain shook his head over and over, his hands covering his face. 

 

“It’s not my fault.” She said firmly. “You can’t blame me for it. I was stupid, yes, but I didn’t…” 

 

“ _ You could have stopped it from happening _ !” He screamed, pulling his hands away and balling them into fists. “You  _ knew  _ that guy was dangerous! How can I not blame you, even a little bit? If you had just  _ tried  _ to think of someone other than yourself...” The words caught in his throat, he tore his gaze from hers and glared down at the floor.

 

Kimiko didn’t say anything for a long while. She nibbled on her lips as she seemingly mulled over her own thoughts and Daichi remained perfectly still where he was standing, leaning against the counter once more. 

 

“I was the one who called the ambulance.” She said softly. A painful throb reverberated throughout his body, “I found him near the bar I saw him walk out of. He wasn’t wearing much and I knew...” Daichi looked up at her, wondering if the words coming out of her mouth were real. The sincerity made him think they were… but there was a part of him that so very much doubted her claim to having called the paramedics. 

 

“Is that supposed to redeem you?” He wondered. 

 

Her eyes found his, “I guess it doesn’t make a difference now, does it?” 

 

“Not really.” His voice was flat. 

 

They didn’t say another word to each other that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I'm guessing the hate for Kimiko will continue? 
> 
> Thanks so much for the patience -- I've been trying to post as regularly as possible but with school and my part time jobs it's quite the challenge! 
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoyed ~


	17. Words of Love

Kimiko lay on her side that night, eyes glued to the light of the hallway, her mind full of thoughts over all the wrong she had done since high school. It had begun with her crumpling the note and weaseling her way into Daichi’s life out of a burning jealousy. A desperation. The sick satisfaction she’d gotten out of tormenting Sugawara Koushi had only served in fuelling her on. She’d created some kind of imaginary competition between them -- one she had never intended to lose- and had somehow gotten so very carried away with it.

 

She knew she had done wrong. But had that knowledge stopped her at all during that last year of school? Not at all. And a horribly disgusting part of her didn’t feel at all sorry for it. She’d hated him, hated him with a burning passion because of the _jealousy_ he managed to drag out of her. She’d often envisioned him with claws when he had his hands on the captain, their sharpness digging into Daichi’s shoulders when they stood together in the hallways, holding him in place and away from the world. It had driven her absolutely _mad_.  

 

When they’d graduated, she thought it had been the end of it all. She’d won and gotten Daichi. Even when they’d fallen out of contact for a while due to being busy with college, she was satisfied to know that he’d chosen _her_ over Sugawara in the end. That sick twisted feeling only grew when he reappeared in her life. She had won. _Won_.

 

And it was that same disgusting part of her that led to her next mistakes. A part of it had been complete and utter fear...

 

The night at the club was something she remembered vividly. She knew she could have stopped it all from happening. She could have gone to see security - a bartender - literally _anyone_ . _She knew_. Yet, she’d watched as the man everyone had warned her about had approached the silver-haired boy from behind. Slithering through the crowd and eyeing Suga like he was a very sweet meal to devour. Kimiko had watched those predatory hands slide against the boy’s left shoulder, careful to avoid the exposed skin of his neck. The smile he’d flashed had been undeniably seductive and poor Suga had fallen for it. She’d watched the trap close around the boy she’d known in high school, his innocence slowly being engulfed by the darkness that oozed off of Hideki.

 

She’d watched as the two of them left the club - immobilized - Suga looking at the man as though he trusted him. It wasn’t possible for them to be friends. Distressed, distracted by the thought of something happening, Kimiko hadn’t even paid attention to the music and people talking to her. Her mind had been racing. She’d debated calling Daichi or someone she knew - she’d raced out of the night club within minutes of their departure, her heart pounding in her chest as a fear like no other crept forth. Calling the police had seemed like the better idea but her fingers had frozen on the dial screen.  

 

They had disappeared. It was like the man had been some evil ghost and had spirited Sugawara Koushi away.

 

Kimiko had run all over in search of them. She ran into various clubs, panting, eyes scanning every nook and cranny for the silver hair of the boy she’d hated so much in high school. But nothing. No one had seen them either, when she’d managed to get his description out with coherent words, although some mentioned that they knew him from mutual classes.

 

It was when she chose to give up, her shoulders slumped, that she’d spotted them walking out of a local bar. At first she’d wanted to shout out to him - to warn him for real - but the words caught in her throat as she beheld the sight of them together. Suga was laughing and Hideki looked absolutely pleased with himself as he hooked an around the boy’s shoulders and leaned in. The kiss that followed was sloppy. Drunk and raw. Kimiko had stopped in her tracks.

 

Her mind blank.

 

Hideki glanced back at her frozen figure in the street, eyes narrowing as a smirk spread across his face. A silent challenge. A dare to stop him and something else. A threat. Her eyes had remained fixed on Suga after that. Watching him walk further and further away -- the smile on his face the very last thing she’d see of him for years to come.  

 

_After everything he did to you..._

_Doesn’t he deserve it?_

 

Kimiko’s breath had hitched. The question, posed by that dark and warped part of her, had left her cold. She hadn’t gone after them. Nor had she called anyone about it. Not even Daichi. The memory of them walking away had been firmly imprinted in her mind for many months after.

The next morning, after a very sleepless night, she’d gone back to the same area in search of Suga. It had been nothing more than a gut feeling, but something had told her to go back. A long shot, but it had proven right. She’d found him near that bar and in a state so terrible she couldn’t help but wince every time she thought back on it. The bruises hadn’t even been the worst of it.

 

Although it did not redeem her in any way, it had been Kimiko who’d called the ambulance. The paramedics had come faster than expected, only after did she realize that in all the time she’d spent crouched next to Suga’s crumpled form, she hadn’t gotten a good look at him.  She’d watched him disappear once more and had thought it to be the last time…

The last time she would have to watch him go…

 

Any sane person would wonder _why_ she hadn’t called anyone following all that. Why hadn’t she called his family… why not Daichi or anyone on the team? Why hadn’t she reached out for anyone during the night? Why hadn’t alerted the security, bartenders, or staff at the nightclub?

At least if she had done that, she wouldn’t have had to bear the weight of the situation on her own shoulders. But, she had often thought in the weeks and months after the incident, it had been the fear of doing something that had stopped her. The intense fear that it would all come circling back to her. That the man everyone had warned her about, Hideki, would come for her and drag her through the same hell. The chilling smile he’d shot her in those few seconds had shaken her to the core. It had been him telling her that he would find her if she told on him.

 

No. It had been a promise.

She had decided that she would rather live with the guilt of knowing what had happened than undergo the same kind of pain and suffering Suga had.

 

It was selfish and inhuman of her, but the bitter truth. Wouldn’t anyone else want to save themselves and avoid possible life-endangering risks? Suga hadn’t pressed charges. She’d dug into it out of curiosity. Even if she had gone forward and claimed seeing them, she hadn’t seen anything _happen_ . Maybe it _hadn’t_ been Hideki who’d hurt him and it had been someone else. Wouldn’t she be condemning an innocent man?

 

She’d taken a harsh road, she always had, but no matter what… she would stick to it.

 

“Kimiko?” Her eyes snapped to the door that slid open, Daichi standing there. “Can we talk?”

 

Talking was the last thing she wanted to do. “Daichi… we both know I’m the _last_ person you want to see, let alone talk to, right now.”

 

He didn’t deny it, the look on his face answer enough, but he leaned against the doorframe to ask, “why?”

 

She chose to lie. “I don’t know.” Whether he detected it, Daichi didn’t let it show in his face. He stood there with a deep frown and silently mulled over his own thoughts. Kimiko knew it was better to remain quiet herself, so she closed her eyes and waited. It was minutes that had gone by when Daichi chose to look at her again.

 

“Did it ever bother you?”

 

She sat up, biting the inside of her cheek, “I was afraid...”

 

Daichi’s lips thinned. “I’m heading out for a while.”

 

“Where?” she sat up, eyes wide.

 

“ _Out_.” He didn’t say anything more as he turned away from her. Kimiko was left staring at the door, still slightly open, a sense of dread washing over her.

 

What could she do? She slowly sank back down into the futon and wept, her tears hot and shameful.

 

* * *

 

 

Suga was curled against Yukina’s chest, even breaths leaving his lips, head resting on the arm his boyfriend had tucked under his neck. The medical student stayed quiet as he lay next to him. Nothing needed to be said. After everything, Suga sort of wanted it to be silent and appreciated the mere presence and contact the other offered him. It was warm. Safe. Such was always the case with Yukina beside him. With a content sigh, he opened his eyes to glance up at the other, who was looking at him already. There was no concern or worry in his stare -- but Suga knew him too well to think there was nothing going on in his head.

 

“I’m not going to break.” He whispered, “I was just a little… shaken. I didn’t expect...” Yukina nodded, but the sight of him nibbling on his lower lip left the silveret wondering what else was on the man’s mind.

 

The answer came a few moments later, “I’m sorry you saw me like that.”

 

Suga felt a tug in his chest. His eyes remained glued to Yukina’s, “don’t be sorry, love.”

 

“It’s just…” the medical student shuddered, his eyes glassy with tears threatening to escape, “I just can’t understand how she can live with herself… how can she look in the mirror _knowing_ …”

 

“Shh.” The silveret pulled the other to him, “enough…” He wanted to move away from dark thoughts. Even though he wished it would change, with every fibre in his body, Suga knew he could never have back what Hideki had taken. Just like a part of him would never stop subconsciously hating Kimiko for doing what she had...

 

It was done. No amount of wishing could fix it at all - Suga had come to accept it. He hated what it had done to him… but moving forward was all he could do. It was what he _had_ to do, if he was ever to live a relatively normal life. No… he _would_ live a normal life. The scars would forever remain but he would have the one person, who above all else, loved and cherished him. Who accepted him despite what had happened. Despite him being used goods and filthy beyond...

 

“You’re thinking something bad.” Yukina tensed beside him. “Stop.”

 

He relaxed a little as Suga snuggled closer to him, nuzzling him with his nose, “just a passing thought. Don’t worry.”

 

He would never be able to avoid thinking the bad thoughts, once in a while it was inevitable that they would appear in his mind. Just like he was prone to giving in to the desire to cut himself. Some days would be better than others, while some would be worse than others and Suga would probably fall into a big slump at some point in the future.

But unlike in the past, where he had no one to rely on, he had Yukina. He liked to think that even Daichi would be around for him now. Asahi too. And he wouldn’t be afraid to lean on them.

 

His eyes rose to Yukina’s, his smile reassuring as he whispered, “I love you.”

 

And in that moment, he no longer felt the slight pinching sadness that came when he said such things -- no lingering feelings for Daichi in the back of his mind. He was filled with nothing but love for the man beside him, the one who would love him unconditionally and who’d become his whole entire world.  

 

“I love you. More than you can imagine,” Yukina whispered back as a smile blossomed on his lips, shifting so that his arms were wrapped around Suga, “so, so very much, Sugawara Koushi. There won’t ever be a day where I won’t love you. Even in another life, a parallel universe, I’ll always, _surely_ , love you.”

* * *

  


Daichi felt the whole world spinning around him -- torturing him as he walked the few streets separating his house from the Sugawara family household. He couldn’t recall the number of times the two of them had run between houses, sleeping over or talking deep into the night under the sheets of their beds. It felt like a lifetime ago but Daichi’s legs carried him automatically. As if it were habit. The way was far from unfamiliar, despite the few years spent away, and the ex-captain watched the line of houses go by with a fond look.  

 

When they had been in their first year of high school, when they’d really become friends and not mere neighbours, they’d often walked along the road together. Talking through all their future plans and goals, fun and silly matters. Things that didn’t really matter or hold any particular importance. Neither of them had thought they would hold the worries and pains they did now… especially Suga.

 

The ex-captain covered his face, a desperate sob and plea caught in his throat. He wanted it to be a bad dream -- one Suga and he would wake from. Couldn’t they go back to the quiet times again?

 

“Daichi?”

 

His eyes snapped open. When had he gotten there? Suga was sitting on the doorstep of his home, hands clasped together and knees drawn close. He offered the ex-captain a bewildered look as Daichi slowly approached. It looked as though Suga wasn’t sure if he was seeing the real him or not. He was pretty sure he was giving the silveret the very same look as he stopped in his steps completely and gaped. Why was he even up right now? It was beyond late.  

 

Daichi opened his mouth, but Suga spoke first, “what’re you doing here, Dai? Shouldn’t you be back home?” At the nickname, the ex-captain felt the sting of tears.

 

“I needed to go for a walk.”

“Me too.” The other admitted quietly. “But I think I’d give Yukina a heart attack if I actually wandered away from the house… so I figured some fresh air would do.” And then he patted the ground beside him, inviting his once best-friend.

 

Daichi didn’t even hesitate as he moved to sit in that place, the familiarity of the gesture soothing. He felt his shoulders relax and his breath even out just as Suga leaned closer and laid his head against him. The ex-captain closed his eyes as his mind continued to race. All he could think of was how frail and small the man against him felt.

 

“Isn’t it funny…?” Suga whispered moments later, “I was thinking about walking over to your house just a little while ago… yet, here you are. I didn’t even have to text you or call, you just showed up.”  

 

Daichi opened his eyes, something within him alarmed, “you wanted to...see me?”

 

“Mm.” his friend hummed softly. “It’s… it’s just nice to be here again. To see you. To see _everyone_.” Daichi watched as the silveret curled and uncurled his fingers, “hey, Dai?”

 

It felt like he was choking. Why? Why did he feel so uneasy right then? His voice was quiet, breathless, as he wondered, “Yeah?” There was something that felt so off.

 

“I’m glad I got to see you again. I missed you so much...” There was a smile on his lips but it quickly turned sad, “I wanted to see you so much when it happened… but I knew I’d never be able to face you. I felt so _ashamed_ of myself… so _gross_...”

 

No, _no, no, no_ …. Daichi felt his skin crawl. Those kinds of thoughts… no, they couldn’t exist in his mind.  

 

There were tears streaming down the other’s face and Daichi quickly threw his arms around the silver-haired man, pulling him into a hug to cut off his words, “it’s that _monster_ who should feel ashamed! He’s… you...” He struggled with his own words, tears in his own eyes, “you’re such a _beautiful_ person, Suga… don’t let _anyone_ ever tell you otherwise.”   

 

“Dai…” Suga felt a lump in his throat, a sob threatening to escape.

 

The words flew out of his mouth before he even realized it, “don’t ever disappear.” Daichi’s voice was desperate. “Please, Suga. Don’t… don’t ever… don’t go where we can’t follow you.”

 

The silveret tensed against him. They were the same words Yukina had used on so many occasions when he’d gone too far, the cuts deeper than usual, and the urge to disappear had almost completely engulfed him. The many trips to the hospital were blurred moments in his mind, but the expression of sheer desperation was one he recalled vividly. So many times the brunet had begged the very same thing of him. With the same level of insistence. Every time he’d broken his promise to never again attempt, he had always expected Yukina to leave him. To give up. To abandon him. But every time the medical student yanked harder, pulling him to the better side of life and showing him all the good things that could be.

And when it happened all over again and Suga ventured too far, that same plea would pass through the other’s lips and the sorrow in his tone made Suga’s heart wrench. It alway reminded him just how much pain he would put others through if he were to go away.

 

He took a breath as he peered up at the taller man in that moment, finding a similar expression on his face. Daichi looked at him with the same sadness that Yukina had so many times before.

 

“I won’t go away.” He promised Daichi, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. “You guys are such worrywarts, you and Yukina. Geez.” Suga rolled his glassy eyes, covering his mouth with a shaky hand.

 

Daichi smiled as a sense of relief washed over him. It might have been a little out of the blue, to say such things, but seeing him panic in the hospital… hearing that man’s name on Suga’s lips… it had shaken the ex-captain somewhat. It had made him fear the worst a little…

He couldn’t imagine a world without his best friend now. Even if they lived out their lives separately, he would be content knowing Suga was breathing. Was happy. Was healthy. It was all he wanted for him. He deserved it more than anyone at this point.

 

A phone vibrated between them suddenly. Daichi instinctively moved and reached into his own pocket to get his phone but found no messages or emails when he opened the screen. It had been Suga’s phone apparently. The other glanced down at his sweater pocket curiously, wondering if it was Yukina texting him, and he slowly reached for the mobile device.

 

There was a long moment of silence that fell between them. Suga’s expression remained neutral as he read over the words across on screen and for some reason Daichi grew worried.

 

“Is… everything ok?” He wondered, brows furrowing.

 

“It’s just a generated email. Nothing special.” Suga blinked as he put the phone away. “I should probably get back inside. Are you going back home?”

 

“Yeah.” He shrugged. There wasn’t anywhere else to go at this time of night and he wasn’t entirely sure if Asahi would be up. If he had been, he might’ve asked to crash at his place… but he decided not to burden his friend again with his troubles. It was unfair of him. Daichi stretched his arms out, “I’ll… talk with Kimiko in the morning.” There was a question in Suga’s eyes, Daichi knew what it was right away. “I’m going to break up with her.”

 

“Daichi…” the silveret shook his head, “if you’re ending it with her because of me and what happened…”

 

“I don’t even think I was ever in love with her, Suga.” Daichi admitted. “I might’ve _liked_ her… but… nevermind. Don’t worry about it, okay? It’s nothing you need to think about. It’s my relationship.” Suga nodded slowly but the look in his eye was guilt-ridden. The ex-captain crossed his arms with a smile, a pang of sadness in his heart over what he’d have to do, “I’ll see you tomorrow? Maybe we could hang out with Asahi. I’ll need some cheering up, I think.”

 

Another vibration. Daichi blinked and looked to Suga’s pocket, the screen lighting up through the material of his cardigan. Just who would be sending messages at this hour of the night? He looked up to where Suga’s bedroom was, the lamp on inside. Maybe it was Yukina? The silveret took his cellphone out again. His eyes slowly took in the words displayed.  

 

“Tomorrow, yeah?” Daichi tried getting closer to see but Suga put the phone away once more.  

 

There was a flash of something in Suga’s expression then, something Daichi wasn’t quite sure he understood, “yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He sounded detached all of a sudden. Distant.

 

“Call me in the morning.” Daichi pressed, “I’ll be up early.”

 

“Sure.”

 

As Daichi turned to walk away, he felt weird. A chill ran down his spine as he glanced over his shoulder to where Suga still stood. “Good night,” he called out quietly.

 

“Bye.” Were Suga’s only words as he walked right back into his house.

 

But just before the door closed, Daichi caught the silveret glancing down at his phone once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for ending the chapter here? :'D  
> This one was quite the emotional rollercoaster for me... I went through all kinds of moods while writing this. I'm sure you all want to run after Kimiko with pitchforks... 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the newest chapter, even if it wasn't cheery! You got some cuteness between Yukina and Suga at least <3


	18. Anomaly

Daichi had expected to feel sad. 

 

To feel  _ something _ . 

 

But, sitting across from her and staring into that pretty, shocked, face, he couldn’t say he felt anything in particular over their looming breakup. Even as the words spilled from his mouth in a smooth and even manner, the fact he felt nothing made him wonder of what he'd felt towards her had been  _ love  _ at all. Had he merely latched onto her with the selfish hope that things would magically get better and their feelings would develop? It seemed to be the only answer in his mind as he leaned back and fell silent once more.

Kimiko looked utterly defeated, confused and ashamed, as her brows knit together and she tried to say something in response to it all. No words seemed right as she continued to struggle across from him. He watched as she bit her lower lip, eyes swollen and red, likely from crying for hours. 

 

The two of them looked so awkward sitting there together in the cafe -- they’d gotten up early to avoid having Daichi’s mom all over them about wanting breakfast. They were alone in the big wide space but it felt smaller and smaller the more minutes went by. Daichi found his eyes wandering over to the two employees behind the counter pretending not to care about their conversation, their own eyes glued to something in pretend interest. 

Daichi looked over to his fiancée once more. 

 

The ex-captain had used her. Just like she had used him in return, to gain whatever it was from him. Daichi didn’t really know why he’d gone in search of her back then -- maybe it was to nullify the guilt he felt over parting on such bad terms with Suga and giving up- maybe it was because he thought she’d understand him. Even just a little. It had felt that way at first, but before long she showed disinterest to his worries and the girl he thought he’d known in high school was no more. Maybe, she had never really been that person and shown him a side to her that had never existed in the first place. 

 

She’d risen to a point so far in the sky and Daichi no longer wished to follow. He’d long ago given up on his dreams of flying. Taking it upon himself, he’d broken his own wings and severed the dream a while back. 

When the recruiters had come to view his matches from sports colleges, he hadn’t been in the right set of mind and had let his teammates down. Let himself down. Every play had gone badly. It had all been his fault… but who had he blamed for it all? 

He closed his eyes as the image of his best friend appeared in his mind. That had been among one of their final arguments before graduating --Daichi had blamed his stupid mistakes on Suga.   

 

Kimiko had a crease in her forehead, silky hair spilling forward as she braced herself on the table, as she finally mustered the courage to ask, “is this about what happened last night…?”

 

He was unnervingly calm, “I think it’s a mix of things.” When she glanced up at him with a questioning look, he went on to say, “I think I...I thought being with you would help me forget about my mistakes, especially hurting Suga. I lied to myself. I told myself I could fall in love with you…but it never happened.” Daichi stared down at the table, focusing on a small scratch carved into the cafe table, “I think we just started existing beside one another, not really caring what the other did when we realized neither of us were getting what we wanted.” 

 

She blinked. “You were using me?”

 

“You were using me as well.” He looked her in the eye, daring her to deny it. She didn’t. “I don’t know what for, but you were using me too.”

 

Kimiko knew there was no fixing what had gone wrong between them. Her ‘love’ for Daichi had become something else that was ugly and warped. It was something that could no longer be considered pure of heart. Along the way there had been anomalies, such as the silver-haired boy, and the jealousy had festered within her. 

Perhaps early on, she’d genuinely liked him for the reasons any young girl in high school would. Strong. King. Good looking. Sporty but super smart. Everything a girl would want for her first romance as a teenager. 

Sugawara Koushi had been the trigger. Her target. It was without a doubt that he’d been aware of her feelings for Dachi back then, but just like any person in love… he’d tried to protect what precious little time he had with his best friend. There had never been a guarantee that he and Daichi would have dated if he’d confessed… yet, Kimiko had taken everything as a threat and decided that that place belonged to her. And only her. Thus she’d done everything in her power to remove him from that place. 

 

Maybe  _ she _ had been the anomaly. 

 

“I…” She looked at him from across the table, their distance so far already, she felt the tears slide down her cheeks once more. “I’m sorry. I have more to tell you…” Daichi didn’t look like he wanted to hear anything more from her, but she went on. 

 

And as she told him everything she had done, everything from eavesdropping to crumpling the note, a weight sort of lifted from her shoulders. Finally admitting what she had done left her with a sense of relief… but the guilt of being behind it all remained. And she didn’t think it would ever go away now. Kimiko would forever live with the wrong she had done and inflicted upon others.

She glanced up at the man across from her occasionally, catching the brief twisted expressions of grief before they morphed into something she wasn’t entirely sure she could describe. Yet she went on and told him everything. 

Daichi, meanwhile, wanted to scream. To scream until his throat was painfully raw and there was nothing left within him. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He didn’t want to. Her words only made him feel worse -- making him realize how  _ blind  _ he’d been. 

  
  


It felt like she spoke for a long time. Maybe she had, but Kimiko didn’t dare glance at the clock on the wall. She chose to keep her eyes locked on to the man sitting in front of her. When she finally finished, Daichi had a neutral expression glued to his face. But the way his hands trembled ever so slightly told her he was struggling to keep calm after hearing all of it. 

 

“Why?” He wondered once more, meeting her gaze. 

 

“I was selfish, stupid and jealous.” The truth. “I always saw how Suga was happy around you… I wanted that too. I thought I needed to have you to be happy.” Kimiko exhaled, “but he was always around you.” 

 

“And  _ sabotaging  _ our friendship, making me believe…” Daichi grit his teeth.

 

“He loved you.” 

 

“ _ What _ ?” the ex-captain blinked. 

 

“He was in love with you.” Kimiko’s voice was even, “everyone knew. Why do you think everyone made you out to be the ‘mother’ and ‘father’ of the team…?” The parent titles had just always correlated to their team numbers...no?

 

Daichi felt his head pounding. Suga, had been in love with him? Impossible. The other would have  _ said  _ something about it… no? 

 

Right..? 

 

“You were just too dense to see it.” He might’ve snapped at her over the statement but…  Hadn’t Kuroo said something about him being dense at some point in college? And, for that matter, so had Suga when they’d spoken about Kenma and Kuroo. Was he really  _ that  _ fucking dense? 

 

Ah. 

Daichi thought back to what Kuroo had said when he’d come to visit. He’d mentioned being surprised that him and Suga hadn’t been a thing… a couple. It was when Daichi had answered something about Asahi and the silveret, to which the other had laughed and said that Suga had never had eyes for the ace. Ever. When he’d asked Asahi about it, the other man had seemed confused and wondered where Daichi had even heard about that. 

The woman’s words echoed in his mind over and over. Sugawara Koushi had been in love with him. It would explain all the sad looks, all the petty arguments that came out of nowhere, and the choked words caught in Suga’s throat whenever he came close to confessing. He’d pass it off as  _ nothing  _ and Daichi would go along with it. Was that what had driven them apart? Aside from Kimiko. Had he…?

 

“That’s why I did it.” Kimiko looked him over, “did you even know he was interested in guys? You were his best friend.” There was something impatient in her gaze. 

 

They’d never really spoken about it. Girls had often come up, Daichi had always just  _ assumed  _ his friend had been straight. Especially when he saw how he acted around Kiyoko, their team manager. He’d always agreed with the others over her attractiveness… 

But maybe he’d done and said it to come across as normal to the others. To hide who he was to avoid being judged. Not that anyone in the team would have -- Daichi could easily say that no one on the volleyball team would have thought any different of their beloved setter. 

 

When he remained silent, Kimiko crossed her arms, “I guess… well, now it doesn’t make a difference. He’s going out with someone else.” 

 

“Yukina.” Daichi closed his eyes, “or am I wrong about that?” He’d seen them embracing outside the hospital, but being his usual self he hadn’t assumed anything was going on between them. 

 

“I think it’s obvious.” She shrugged. “So what now, Daichi?”

 

He didn’t know what would come next. Daichi stared at the woman, “we’ll start by going our separate ways, you and I.” Her lips pursed slightly but she nodded. 

 

“I’ll be gone in an hour.” She said softly, “you’ll never see me again.”

 

“I hope I never do.” Daichi’s voice was barely audible in the quiet atmosphere of the cafe. “Meeting you was a mistake.” 

 

“I think we weren’t supposed to meet.” She agreed, “it’s unfortunate so many things went wrong because we did.”

 

“Let’s hope we avoid one another in our next lives.” He looked down at the table once more and kept his dead gaze there. Focused on nothing in particular. 

 

“I wish you the best, all the happiness you can find in this life.” She stood, but not before slipping the diamond ring off her finger and sliding in across the table. He didn’t say anything. Nothing about finding happiness nor could he think of anything remotely kind to say to send her off.

 

Kimiko didn’t look back as she walked out of the room. 

 

_ She had been the anomaly.  _

 

And, to some extent, Hideki had been too. 

 

Kimiko took her cellphone out, typing something before hitting send and looking up to the way ahead. 

 

It was over. 

 

And Daichi was left to sit all by himself, staring down at the ring on the table. The diamond glimmered faintly in the light of the new day, the sun just beginning its cycle anew. 

 

He could think of only one thing. 

 

Sugawara Koushi, his best friend, had been in love with him.

 

And Daichi had never seen it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Kimiko will return. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and for leaving me such wonderful comments to read through ~ <3   
> Kimiko was an interesting character to write out and despite her awfulness, she was just human. In her situation, as a young girl just out of high school, it would be frightening to be faced with someone like Hideki. What if he had come after her?   
> Anywho, I have future plans for her <3 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, where Daichi realizes how dense he's been all these years.   
> What'll happen guys...?   
> We still don't know who texted Suga *gasp*
> 
> Until next time~


	19. A Picture. A Confession. A Promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Thanks for being patient with me... I had a tough time writing this one. I feel like parts of it could be slightly triggering? I'm not sure. I know it left me feeling a little upset as I wrote it out, deleted parts and re-wrote. I re-wrote the chapter about three times and kept all my drafts... they're totally not the same. The first draft didn't have the feeling I wanted and was not as tough as this one. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!

 

Suga spent the entirety of the night tossing and turning, sleep never quite coming to him. The gentle lull into the darkness never happened. And so, he had been forced to find something to do to pass the time that didn’t involve him glaring at the ceiling. He’d rolled away from Yukina to avoid waking him in his search for quiet entertainment. But there had been nothing. He’d taken the battery out of his phone to stop it from ringing like it had been doing almost all evening, so using it to browse the web wasn’t possible. 

 

So, he’d chosen to do something he hadn’t done in a very long time. 

 

He’d spent most of the night staring up at the moon through the crack in his curtains and watching it sail its journey across the wide ocean of the night sky. The sight of it drifting was as close as he would get to the sensation of sleep, as it calmed and soothed his worries away… momentarily. It disappeared at some point, leaving the silveret in complete darkness once more, and he felt all his demons slowly lurk back into his mind. Tormenting thought after tormenting thought, the young man felt the sting of tears more than once that night as he tried to brace himself for what he would have to do in the morning. 

 

The warm glow of the sun alerted him to dawn approaching, Suga slowly relaxed into his bedsheets. His body ached from lying in the same tense position all night. 

 

Yukina stirred when Suga snapped his battery back into place. And again when the familiar text-tone sounded five times. Yet, all those sounds weren’t enough to wake him and for that, Suga was relieved. He didn’t want to burden the other so early in the morning with his worries. Not when he was  _ finally  _ able to get so much rest… he would tell him once he woke up. 

The younger turned off the sound as he returned his attention to the device, settling back against his pillows. He gave his screen a long look as he braced himself. There were five new messages. Three from a single unknown number. One from Daichi and one from Asahi. 

 

He checked those from the unknown sender. It had to be them, Suga wasn’t sure he’d be able to put reading them off any longer. Not when he  _ knew  _ who they were from. There was a tight feeling in his chest as he inhaled, the dread and pain mixing together as he pressed a finger against the cold screen of his phone. His eyes remained glued to the words displayed, tracing every single character as he read each message. 

 

The final one...

 

The scream that almost tore itself out of this throat remained a huge lump stuck there, Suga forced himself in a folded position to avoid letting it go free. Some kind of strangled, muffled, whimper escaped his lips. All the while he felt more and more breathless, as though some invisible force were choking him. No amount of gasping for air seemed to help as he struggled there in his own bed. He was only vaguely aware of the device slipping from trembling fingers. It struck the floor so hard the screen shattered upon impact. 

Suga didn’t care. He didn’t care anymore. 

 

The noise had been enough to wake Yukina, however. He bolted up as soon as the sound registered in his mind, his wide eyes immediately flying to where the silveret was. What had happened? The question would remain unanswered as another strangled whimper sounded in the quiet of the room and a wave of deep concern and worry washed over the medical student. Suga was all that mattered in that instant. He hurriedly pushed himself up on his knees to crawl over. The younger had rolled over onto his side at some point and shook with an intense force, he had his arms outstretched in Yukina’s direction. His fingers curled and uncurled as they trembled.

 

Yukina froze for a split second as he took in the sight of the other man. How many times had he seen this? Dealing with panic attacks was not something foreign to Yukina, not after waking up so many times to a screaming Suga. All those times… he’d been able to pull the other back to the present. 

 

“Hey, hey,” Yukina didn’t waste a single moment more before pulling the other to him, “shh, you’re alright. You’re fine.” Had it been caused by a nightmare? “Are you with me, Koushi?” When he didn’t feel or hear the answer against him, he tightened his grip, “ _ Koushi _ . Hey! Listen to  _ me _ !” He was suddenly afraid of not being able to pull hard enough.

 

Suga didn’t even react to his words as he seemingly spiralled further and further down into the darkness of his mind. Yukina felt him push against him and shake his head over and over. The silveret struggled against Yukina’s grip, thrashing and kicking as he desperately tried to free himself. The strength he possessed was very little but he gave it his all and didn’t seem at all concerned when he scratched into his boyfriend’s skin. The medical student still refused to let go. He would  _ never  _ let go of him. Yukina’s breath hitched, knowing the other had gone deep enough to draw blood and he grit his teeth when Suga went over the raw wounds over and over. His nails dug deeper and deeper each time.  

 

Yukina continued wrestling with Suga, trying his hardest not to use the entirety of his strength as he tried to get them in a position where he could speak to him. He was sure he’d break one of the younger’s bones if he twisted or gripped too forcefully. So he tried to be careful as he maneuvered them around. They struggled against one another until Suga was on his back and Yukina was above. He’d managed to pin Suga down by his shoulders and held him firmly in place... 

 

But… 

 

He then realized, with sudden horror, their positions. A sense of dread washed over him as he suddenly wished to take back those brief moments before. It didn’t take a single second before Suga seemed to realize it too and his eyes widened. A fear like no other was visible in his eyes as Yukina remained frozen in place. 

“Koushi…” 

 

The initial fear faded slowly from Sugawara Koushi’s face as he reached up to cup Yukina’s cheek, swiping the tears that had begun to collect in the corner of his caramel-coloured eyes. There were no malicious intentions. He  _ knew  _ that. Better than anyone out there in the world -- Yukina would never do anything like Hideki had to him- but it had just taken him by surprise for a second. The force of it all. 

 

“Yukina…” he whispered his name, pulling the other man down closer to him. 

 

He obliged him without hesitation. But at the quick press of Suga’s lips against his own, he tensed. There was something different about this kiss and the medical student wasn’t sure he liked it at all as his lover tried deepening their embrace. It was desperate. A plea for distraction. For anything but reality. He felt his expression twist at the thought… 

 

Yukina pulled away first, “Suga. Tell me what happened. This isn’t you.” 

 

The younger averted his gaze shamefully, knowing it wasn’t like him at all, “I…sorry, I was just shaken up from… I wasn’t thinking straight.” He’d been so distracted by what he’d read in those messages. It had been a desperate attempt at escaping the grave reality of the situation at hand. 

 

“Is it Hideki?” when the silence persisted, Yukina asked, “what did he send? A threat?” 

 

“A picture. A confession.” The silveret almost choked on his words, “a promise.” 

 

The picture was of a white carnation. A flower that was commonly seen when mourning the loss of someone. Yukina frowned at the sight of it. There was a ring looped through it. The confession was twisted as it was heartfelt, the obsession Hideki held for Suga obvious in his words…

 

The promise…

 

“We can’t let this go on.” Yukina looked up from the cell phone, “we’re going to the police.” He knew how much it would tear the other apart to confess once more all that had happened between them… but it had to be done. It would be the only way they’d have a chance at getting rid of him once and for all.

 

Suga’s eyes darkened, “I know.”

 

Suga had almost come to believe that he was free of Hideki. How naive. How utterly  _ stupid  _ of him. He’d wanted so hard to move on with his life and to forget that man. But yet, he surfaced once more. And his ‘love’ for Suga had not faded in the slightest. 

  
  


He knew how difficult the path ahead would be. For the  _ both _ of them. He hated thinking about it, knowing Yukina would suffer. Knowing everyone who knew him would suffer. Hideki would not be easy to get rid of. He was the kind of person who always found ways of returning --much like he was now- even if no one wanted him around anymore. 

 

“Everything will be alright.” Yukina promised, pulling him into a hug. “I swear. I’ll die before he gets to you.” 

 

Suga tensed, “Yukina…”

 

The feeling of dread returned in full force as the silveret pulled away, looking the other man over with thin lips. Yukina had a reassuring smile on his face. But the feeling he was trying to convey did not reach his lover. It remained but an expression as Suga reached out to take the phone from his hands. 

 

There were still two unread messages. 

 

“I’m going to meet Daichi for coffee.” He looked over the message the ex-captain had sent, glancing up at Yukina. I’ll be going to the place across the tracks.” 

 

“Now?” Yukina frowned, “he’s up early.” 

 

“He was breaking up with Kimiko.” The silveret nibbled on his lip, Yukina seemed surprised, “do you want to meet me there in an hour or so? I’ll see how he’s doing.” The medical student nodded as Suga rose to get changed. 

 

When he was dressed for the day ahead and at the door to his bedroom, he glanced back at the other man still sitting on his bed. Suga felt a pang of sadness. The man was already thinking of a million things, probably wondering if they should move apartments for Suga’s safety… he was always thinking of others before himself when he already had  _ so  _ much to think about. Suga knew he was Yukina’s entire world...

 

“I love you.” Suga smiled, “we’ll get through it.” 

 

This time it would be Suga who’d think of others before himself. Their safety, their well being… it was more important than his own. 

 

That morning Sugawara Koushi did not meet his best friend, the ex-captain of Karasuno’s volleyball team, for coffee. He hadn’t even sent a message to the man about meeting up. Sawamura Daichi had sent a simple ‘good morning’ text to Suga, in hopes of inviting him out later in the day after he’d broken up with Kimiko. Asahi had sent a message asking about how he was doing. Neither of them had heard from their former setter that day when they were further interviewed by the authorities. 

 

He left no clues behind. When Yukina had exited the Sugawara household, he’d found his boyfriend’s cell phone left on the front step. As if it had been placed there intentionally for the sole purpose of someone finding it when he left. The sight of it had been eerie. He’d seen Suga stuff it into his pocket before leaving. When he’d dashed to the cafe across the tracks, the one where Daichi was, he had felt the whole world tilt when it was only the ex-captain sitting there. Everything came crashing down in that instant and Yukina felt as though he’d failed the other somehow...

 

Sugawara Koushi had disappeared.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a brighter note, I do want to emphasize that this story will have a part two with a much happier tone! :'D
> 
> This part of the story is slowly drawing to a close... there are about three (possibly four) chapters left that I've drafted out.


	20. Together

Kuroo glanced up from his tablet and sea of notebooks, blinking, “what?” 

 

Kenma, thinking he hadn’t heard him at first, scowled and repeated his words again. His tone was quiet and dry, but much louder this time around as he read the article headline once more. Each syllable felt heavy on his tongue and Kenma swallowed the lump in his throat when he finished. The other man in the room had a wide-eyed bewildered look on his face and the younger realized he’d actually heard him before. He just had’t registered the words at all. Understandable, considering even Kenma had had to read the article over and over himself. 

 

“He… what?” He shook his head, disbelief in his voice, “what?  _ When? _ ”  

 

“A week.” Kenma peered down once more at the mobile phone in his hands, “he’s been gone a week.” 

 

Kuroo was sitting beside an equally shocked Oikawa. The brunet had been transfixed on his own phone screen until a few minutes before Kuroo had nudged him in the ribs, his attention going to the youngest sitting in the room. He looked between each of them for the longest while as the article was read out once more and his hands, with the phone, fell lower and lower. A silence like no other filled the room in that instant. Oikawa slowly plucked the glasses from his face, pinching the bridge between his eyes as he leaned forward in his chair. 

 

None of them had been particularly close with the other volleyball player, but they were relatively close to Sawamura Daichi who’d attended the same university as them in Tokyo. Out of all the people he’d known in high school, Kuroo had spent the most time with the other captain once he’d graduated. Then they’d kind of drifted when he met girlfriend and Kenma had moved in with Nekoma ex-captain. That was kind of normal, considering they’d finally reunited with their loved ones. Although, Kuroo had had his doubts about Daichi’s relationship with Kimiko. 

 

Kenma was nibbling on his lips, “you don’t think he’s…” 

 

“I don’t know.” Kuroo whispered, glancing outside. It was a cold and rainy day, as well as windy and none of them wanted to spend any time outdoors if they could avoid it. “I want to think he’s alright… I hope for Daichi’s sake. For all of them.” 

 

“Should we call him?” Oikawa wondered softly, “I feel like a shitty friend for not knowing until now.”

 

“The article only came out a day ago.” Kenma pointed out, glancing at the date of publication. “I think they had to wait a while before he could be considered a missing person.” 

 

“How can someone disappear like that? If he’s alive, someone’ll spot him eventually. If he’s dead… the body has to turn up.” He stared between them, “Right?” 

 

Kuroo sighed, looking to the brunet, “not necessarily. If he’s alive, he could have altered his look or he could’ve gone somewhere  _ really  _ remote and out of place. If he’s…” he paused on the word, “dead, he might be somewhere the police can’t find him. Or…”

 

“Ok, I get the picture.” Oikawa held a hand up. “So why the hell are we just sitting here doing nothing?”

 

Kuroo and Kenma blinked at the same time.  

 

Oikawa started making calls to all the people he knew. 

 

* * *

 

Daichi had spent the whole week looking. All over. He took the train to various towns in the prefecture in search of his best friend. Hoping.  _ Praying, _ that he’d find him uninjured and alive. It was all he wanted after spending so long without him. All he’d wanted in that time apart was to have him by his side once more, as his friend, his support… like it had been in high school. Only this time, he would have wanted them to be more honest with one another. 

 

He called people he hadn’t spoken to in years, ones he didn’t know off of Suga’s phone, and locals who mentioned having seen him the day of his disappearance. Their information was the most helpful and offered him just a little more hope. They explained that they’d seen him walk along the streets, looking unsure of himself, and stopping every few feet to check over his shoulder. As if expecting someone. Of course, the sight of him had been suspicious but a certain local mentioned that Suga had met someone at the train station. 

 

_ “Couldn’t tell who it was, though,” the old woman shrugged, “looked tall. They had a hooded sweater and weren’t facing me, so I can’t tell you who they were or what they looked like.”  _

 

Sitting in a local cafe, one he’d often frequented with his best friend before cram school, Daichi found his gaze locked on the seat in front of him. The empty seat was unnerving. Haunting. He couldn’t look away from it. More than anything, he wanted to believe the past week had been nothing more than a nightmare he hadn’t woken from yet and that Suga would appear in front of him again. 

 

With that cheery, beautiful smile reminiscent of the sun’s warmth, he’d take a seat. He’d laugh and joke about something he’d heard about. Time would fly by. They’d talk about every little thing before heading home. 

And the cycle would go on. It would become routine. 

 

If only. 

 

He leaned forward as he exhaled, having held his breath for the past few minutes, his face covered with his hands. Daichi wanted to scream. To cry. He hated feeling so helpless, not knowing where to look or how to help. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

Daichi slowly looked up to find Yukina standing there, staring down at him with shadows under his eyes deeper than they had been the day before. The man had been among those hurt the most. Suga’s parents were unable to function, their grief the deepest of all, and Yukina had offered his help in any way he could, running around in search of their son alongside Daichi and Asahi. 

The remaining Karasuno crows had scattered as soon as they’d heard, covering other cities as they tried to return to their lives. They offered updates and took time between work or school to look for their vice-captain. In an effort to keep all of them informed, if ever there was some kind of positive development, they’d created a group chat. 

 

“Did you call your university?” 

 

Yukina nodded, “I told them everything… I think I’ll have to retake the classes I’m missing. It’s up to them, I guess. They’ll let me know in a couple of days.” He took the vacant seat in front of the ex-captain, his expression relaxing as he leaned back. A soft sigh escaped his lips and Daichi couldn’t help but wonder if he’d been up early to go looking. 

 

The two of them were quiet for a while, sitting in silence and listening to the people around them. It felt so strange to see that life went on like normal for others. While Daichi and everyone connected to Suga felt as though theirs was falling apart, for others… it was merely another day. Suga was just a name on a long list. A face among the crowds of thousands and millions of people. To the rest of the world, Suga didn’t really matter. 

 

To them, to those who’d gone to Karasuno, his parents… it meant everything. In a matter of days, everything had gone from normal to crazy. 

 

“It feels so  _ surreal _ .” Daichi closed his eyes. 

 

“I don’t think my mind has processed.” Yukina mumbled back. “I feel like I’m just waiting for him to show up in the next few minutes.” 

 

Daichi wished the same thing. Desperately. 

 

The other man’s features twisted as he whispered, “I should have  _ known.  _ I should have been able to stop him...”

 

Knowing he shared the same feelings of self-hate, of frustration with himself, Daichi said, “neither of us could’ve guessed  _ when  _ he would’ve gone. He’s always been…unexpected. He spends so much time in his head, wrapped up in his thoughts, it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking half the time because he’s always a few steps ahead.”

 

Suga was calculating and observant. Both on court and off. Even with all that had happened to him in the past few years, his sharp mind and quick thinking hadn’t dulled in the slightest and he knew how to act. 

 

“I really wanted to think I was enough to protect him this time.” Yukina was blinking back tears, “I told myself over and over, if ever he came back, I’d never let him have Suga again. Ever.”  

 

Daichi looked at the man with a sad expression, knowing he’d been there for Suga when no one else had. He’d pulled the other from a dark world of self-harm and depression in order to help him heal from what had happened in his freshman year. It wasn’t anyone who could do that and still be willing to stick around, even after all the difficult and heart wrenching times. Some might have given up. Some might have lost hope after so many times of waking up to their loved one attempting to slip down that dark hole once more…

Daichi admired Yukina for his dedication -- his  _ love- _ for Sugawara Koushi. He hadn’t given up. Even now, when the whole world had come crashing down and the odds were so very much against them, it seemed, he remained. Hoping to someday reunite with the man he so dearly cherished. 

  
  


“I know he had his reasons.” Daichi murmured. 

 

Yukina released a shaky breath, “I just… I don’t even want to  _ think…  _ right now, he could be  _ suffering _ and I can’t do  _ anything _ .” There was a long pause before he choked out, “I… I don’t want to think he’s  _ gone, _ Daichi. I don’t know what I’d do if...”

 

The ex-captain had to take a moment to breathe. To clear his mind of any dark thought he might have had in that instant. Just like the man across from him, he didn’t want to think the silveret had disappeared from their lives forever. He couldn’t believe Suga was dead. There was no way. There were still many things they had yet to talk about with one another, so many things they still had not done and Daichi refused to think that they would never see one another again. It would be some kind of sick punishment from the gods above. 

 

He wasn’t sure what he’d do if it turned out that way. If Suga…

 

Was dead.

 

No, he needed to clear his mind. This wasn’t the time to be thinking negatively. 

 

Closing his eyes, taking a deep breath and exhaling, he felt a little better. Just a little. The whole weight of the situation still hung heavy on his mind and it had begun to fester a physical force on his shoulders. Pushing down. He tried to ignore the feeling as he glanced across the table one more to where Yukina sat. 

The other man looked utterly exhausted in front of him. He probably hadn’t slept at all in the past few days. In all honesty, he looked as though he’d break down instantly. 

 

“Let’s not jump to conclusions yet.” He reached across the table, hoping the gesture would be as reassuring as he intended it to be as he squeezed Yukina’s hand. “Okay? We’re not giving up yet, okay?”

 

The look he got in return was weak and vulnerable, but the nod was enough to tell him that Yukina would try to not think the worst. Not yet. He squeezed back and the two offered each other small smiles. Together, they would save Suga. 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was quiet for once. Peaceful.  _ Safe.  _

 

He closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of the cool breeze against his skin as he stood at the water’s edge. There was something comforting in the sound of the waves crashing against the cement far below him, small splashes of water echoing in his ears as seagulls hovered in the sky above him. He found he could easily ignore the bustling crowds of people behind him. They didn’t worry him in the slightest -- not anymore- he didn’t feel the need to peer over his shoulder and worry about  _ who  _ might be there. 

 

There was  _ nothing  _ he needed to worry about anymore.

 

"Suga, you ready to go?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, albeit it's kind of a filler that'll lead up to the next chapter where we'll discover where Suga is and what he's up to! > u>


	21. Interlude : Hideki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody up for a bonus chapter and some unwanted pain? 
> 
> Sign me up. 
> 
> This might be a difficult chapter for some to read, so I'm giving a heads up. You'll be reading into Hide's view of everything.

He knew he was someone whom others would consider not a good person. It was something he was acutely aware of, however, he’d always known himself to be different from others. He truthfully didn’t know what defined a good person from a bad one. Maybe there  _ might’ve _ been a time when he, and others, would have considered himself to be an  _ alright _ person. Maybe. It was questionable but he never lingered on the thought for too long. It didn’t really matter in the end. He’d become aware of the fact that he would never live a normal life nor would he be able to function like a normal human being would in everyday situations without pretending. 

 

Growing up, not much had happened. No trauma or unhappiness. Nothing worth really remembering. Just,  _ nothing _ . He’d spent most of his time alone while his parents worked long hours to support them and keep meals on the table while paying for his and his brother’s later education. They expected him to behave and to follow the rules they’d laid out for him. So he spent most of those quiet hours in their small home playing the piano or reading into things he couldn’t even begin to understand. His younger brother would do other things, like play video games or watch tv. 

 

Maybe it was around the time his brother and father had died that his mother had noticed the significant difference in him. He had been ten, closer to eleven, when his brother and father had died in a car crash. They’d been on their way to some function, a piano recital or practice, when a another vehicle had collided with them head on. They hadn’t had a single chance. It had been death upon impact. To his mother’s shock, he hadn’t really reacted to it. When she’d pulled him aside to explain what had happened, he had just nodded and gone back to whatever he’d been doing up until that point. He might’ve felt a brief wave of grief over the loss of his father… but nothing more than that. 

 

Middle and High school, he hated every moment of it. Messing with the other students had been a favourite pastime of his when he wasn’t suspended, on probation, or being transferred to another local school. He liked watching them squirm. Struggle. It was loads of fun. To him, nothing about what he had done to others felt  _ wrong  _ or cruel. It always felt the same. Exhilarating for a moment and then he’d get bored and shove the person aside, onto the next. 

It was obvious his mother had never known what to do with him. She always sat near the phone in their home, expecting a new call from his school or someone’s parent. As soon as he was of age, she’d thrown him out of the house and begged him to disappear from her life. Forever. She would continue to give him money and support him, she just wanted him to go. He recalled the tone in her voice perfectly.  _ Desperate _ . She’d wanted him gone for the longest time. He’d been a burden and a nuisance to her. A shame. 

 

He worked odd jobs. They never lasted long. Money coming in from his mother kept him afloat, even more so when she died and all of the assets belonging to his family were turned over to him. He learned of her death in the local newspaper and after receiving a call from some distant relation, after they’d rummaged through his mother’s belongings and found her contact book. It had almost been shocking to discover she still had his number. His mother had never remarried, so she’d been alone until the very end. There was no funeral. No kind of event for her passing. He took what was left, sold the family home, and moved away. Never looking back. 

 

The people he became involved with and connected to were a mix of questionable and powerful. From ordinary salarymen to men in authoritative roles. Through bribery and blackmail, he was able to navigate his way within society. An endless chain of lovers built itself up over time and he found himself jumping from one to the next. Like it was no big deal.  _ It wasn’t a big deal _ . An emotional connection was something he just wasn’t capable of having. With anyone. 

And it wasn’t like he wanted to have one. 

 

Over and over, either for excessive violence or sexual assault, he was arrested. The punishments were never long and to the utter disbelief of his victims and their families, he walked away not very long after. Their livid expressions were absolutely wonderful to him. A joy. He got a kick over watching them react. 

He had restraining orders up to the sky, but it wasn’t like he went back to the same person twice. It was never the same the next time around. Not at all. He found it distasteful to go back. They already knew what to expect with him. And he already knew he wouldn’t be satisfied. 

Men. Women. It was all the same to him. He didn’t have a particular preference for either, their gender meant nothing to him. Beauty had very little to do with it too. He liked  _ reactions _ . Their  _ movements _ . That was what he adored. 

 

Why Sugawara Koushi? 

Who knows. It was one of those, “in the wrong place, at the wrong time” kind of situations, he supposed. Honestly, anyone would have been fine. If Sugawara Koushi hadn’t been there that night, he probably would’ve found someone else to play around with. That was the truth of it. 

Watching the other teeter the thin line between life and death had been fun. He’d watch, countless nights, as the other struggled to remain upright. And then he’d take from Sugawara Koushi, pleasuring himself until he felt just a  _ hint  _ of satisfaction. He would snap at him. Hurt him. And the cycle would start over and over. Watching the other man writhe and cut, the exhilarating feelings returned. 

 

Before long, he realized he’d become  _ obsessed _ with the silver-haired student. Every waking moment, thoughts revolved around him and he found himself wondering  _ everything  _ about him. His background. Where he went to middle and high school. Who his friends were. What he was studying. Who his lovers were. Everything there was to know, he searched for. 

 

It had, like he’d expected, however, gotten boring at some point. And he’d taken off like he usually did. Only this time, in order to see how things would go, he’d left Sugawara Koushi with a promise of return.  _ Oh _ . The younger’s features twisting at his words were enough to send him to heaven. It had taken all of him to leave then. But he did, wanting to see how long the other would sweat. What he’d  _ do  _ in response. 

The other had left as soon as possible and gone off to live elsewhere to spiral into a dark abyss. For a while, he’d lost track of the silver-haired man. He almost thought he’d actually gone ahead and offed himself… but he turned up some time later at the university, a new man beside him. Or maybe he’d known him all along. 

 

He did not love Sugawara Koushi. 

 

But he did not want anyone else to have him.

 

Sugimura Yukina. He was the new one. A medical student in his final years, the graduate level, preparing for his residency. The brunet had been such a pest. Nosy. Chasing the silver-haired student across campus and trying hard to run into him until he’d agreed to meeting for coffee. In some desperate attempt at keeping Suga connected to their world. To keep him from disappearing the way he’d intended to. 

 

Then they’d made plans to live together. Nothing happened in the beginning. Yukina continued seeing other men for a while… but then he started taking an interest in Suga. And Sugawara Koushi in him. They started  _ caring _ . For one another. 

He’d let it progress, wanting to see where it would go and for how long. There was no way they would stay together -- not after all the emotional trauma he’d inflicted on Sugawara Koushi. Initially, he’d naively believed that Yukina would disappear after the first couple of months. But as more time stretched on, he saw there was no way the medical student would be leaving. He had become  _ far too attached. _

 

As he would make rounds of their apartment building, late into the night, he would think of all the different ways he could reappear. How he could gain Suga’s attention once more. So he waited. He would follow Suga when he wasn’t aware, blending into the bustling crowds of their busy city. Watching. He waited longer. He knew the silveret spent months suffering because of him and struggled to maintain a normal lifestyle, but with Yukina, all went smooth. Positive. There was a brief moment when he believed Sugawara Koushi had gotten stronger and moved on with his life.  

And so he waited. 

 

...And waited.

He followed them to Suga’s hometown, not really knowing why or what he’d do there while he waited even more. For a little while he didn’t do anything and wandered aimlessly. He almost convinced himself to return. To leave once and for all. But a gnawing feeling in the back of his mind told him to stay. To finish things. When his attention returned to Sugawara Koushi, he found the other to be surrounded by even more positivity. More than he had ever had before in his life. He  _ had  _ grown stronger. 

Sawamura Daichi, the ex-captain, was very much at the center of his newfound courage.  

 

And he  _ hated _ that. 

 

One day, he woke up,  _ knowing  _ it was the right moment to reappear. He sent three messages to Sugawara Koushi. They were sent an hour apart from one another and he was almost drunk with giddiness each time was sent. One: a white carnation signifying death and mourning. Two: the confession of his intentions all along. Three: his final promise to the silver-haired man, one he intended to keep and fulfill. He had expected a response. None came.

He knew he’d had the right number. So why? He’d stared down at his phone with a frown, waiting. Still nothing came. Hours flew by. It wasn’t until a whole day later that he heard the news and saw people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They were throwing around papers with the silveret’s face on it and shouting his name out loud in the marshes and forests nearby. Search parties worked late into the night.  

 

Sugawara Koushi had  _ vanished.  _

No traces were left behind -- save for his phone, which had been left at his doorstep - but it was like he had vanished into thin air. The last anyone saw of him was at the train station. No one spotted him anywhere. Not a single person had seen him in Japan. A whole week went by. He seriously questioned if his messages had been enough to  _ kill  _ Sugawara Koushi… but he knew it wasn’t the case. The fire in the younger’s eyes, despite the evident exhaustion and perpetual pain from the emotional trauma, had been burning brighter than ever. He had regained a part of him that had been lost long ago on that eventful night. 

 

Sitting in the same cafe as the two men connected to Suga, he listened to them converse back and forth. Wallowing in their sadness, he almost hurled on the table when the two of them were on the verge of tears. They tearfully promised one another that they’d bring their friend back no matter what. It was…  _ endearing _ , he supposed. 

 

His coffee cold and grossly watered down, he’d stood up to leave. He paid. Smiled to the young cashier, offering her a playful wink just before pushing the door open and pausing in his footsteps.

 

Oh.  _ Oh _ . 

In his racing mind, he saw Sugawara Koushi’s disappearance as something else entirely. It was a challenge. A final dance. Beckoning him to follow, to chase, and to find him. Sugawara Koushi was expecting him to play the game he would so very carefully lay out for them.

 

He liked playing games. Especially  _ exciting _ ones… 

 

Ones he knew he would win.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading everyone! I loved reading your comments on the previous chapter <3 
> 
> I thought I'd get this out to you sooner rather than waiting a few more days.   
> Truthfully, I found writing into Hide's character super interesting (and creepy). 
> 
> See you next time!


	22. Shelter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry for the delay, I wanted to post earlier but exhaustion from final assignments and exams had me comatose for a while there. I'm back now, hopefully I'll be able to stick to my weekly schedule. I'll be leaving for Japan in about a month and a half and I'd really like to have the final chapter out by then. 
> 
> I'm also hoping to get the second story started before I head out... 
> 
> Alas, I digress. 
> 
> This chapter was hard to write. I've said it about others before, but this one really got me emotionally and reminded me of a lot of personal issues I've had to deal with over the years. 
> 
> I'll give a warning, just in case, that it could possibly be triggering.

  
  


His eyes remained transfixed on the liquid cascading down his wrist, trickling and pooling on the shower’s tiled floor before slipping away into the drain. Into nothing. Into an abyss. He kept his eyes glued to his pruning skin and arms decorated with faint pink lines all over the place. It was better he focused on that and not let his eyes wander all over the showering stall. Where he could get ideas and act upon them, only to regret them as a new wound would bloom. It had been hard enough to get where he was. He would not waste what others had so graciously given to him, what the man he loved had spent so long trying to show and give him.

 _Life_.

He closed his eyes, running a hand through his wet hair as a sigh slipped from his lips. A moment later he opened them again and stared dead ahead.

A little ways below, in the very corner of his eye, he saw the razor. It was beckoning for his attention. There would always be something that drew him to the blades. He wasn’t entirely sure there would be a moment where he wouldn’t wonder what it would feel like, once more, to drag it across his skin to witness the warm liquid ooze out and dribble down his arm.

 

He shook his head.

No. He would not fall again. Suga stepped out of the shower with a new sense of determination, his worries and fears washed away for once.

 

“Oh. Hey. I ordered dinner.”

 

As he walked out of the bathroom, he was met with the sight of Kimiko sprawled across one of the hotel beds of their shared room. The girl glanced at him over her shoulder before her attention returned to the music book in front of her. She was wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a olive relaxed-tee. Things Suga wasn’t entirely sure he’d ever seen her in before. It seemed so unlike her. He went to sit on the opposite bed a few moments later, Kimiko rolled over so she was facing him rather than away.

 

“You sure you’re ready to go back?” She wondered, propping her head up on a hand.

 

“Are you worried about _me_?” His question was meant to be teasing, but it didn’t have the effect he wanted as Kimiko frowned at him.

 

“You’re not really dealing with someone who’s _sane_ , Sugawara.” She huffed out with a scowl. Her expression softened somewhat though, her voice quiet as she suddenly wondered, “why didn’t you press charges when it happened? All the proof was there.”

 

Suga slowly laid down on his side, his eyes meeting hers. So many times he’d wondered the same thing. Why hadn’t he done that? The most obvious answer was that he’d gotten away with it so many times, it was only to be assumed that he wouldn’t stay locked up for that. Hide had a way with people. He had connections and money to get his way. That much Suga knew.

But… it was not that. That hadn’t been the reason he hadn’t gone through with pressing charges. The whole experience of the doctors gathering evidence from his body had left him with a foul taste and feeling. It only aided in making him feel twice as gross. Twice as repulsed with himself.

 

“I was ashamed.” He admitted, “I hated myself. I felt disgusting.” Kimiko didn’t say anything, but he watched her expression twist as she bit her lip, “I didn’t want people to know. I thought it was better living with it as my own disgrace and not having to deal with the world shaming me.”

 

“But…”

 

“It’s already bad enough that I’m gay. The consequences...”

 

She blinked, sitting up, “there’s nothing wrong about that…”

 

He offered her a small smile, “different mentalities. Some are more accepting and others aren’t.” Suga sighed, “I spent so long trying to avoid accepting that part of me, trying to push it further and further inside myself…”

 

She didn’t say anything, so he continued, “I ended up doing myself more harm that way. When Hide… when it happened, I suppose I was even more afraid of people discovering the truth. I didn’t want my family to know. I didn’t want the team to know. I didn’t want _Daichi_ to know, most of all. I didn’t want them to think I was some _deviated freak_...” Kimiko visibly flinched at his words.

 

“I continued hating myself. Even more when I allowed myself to be cornered by Hide, when he forced his way into my life again.” He explained, “every day I woke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, a repulsion so deep I wanted to peel my own skin off until it was raw and bleeding. I wanted to feel _normal_ . I wanted to be the person I’d made everyone think I was in high school.” There were tears glistening in her eyes, Suga watched as she tried hard to blink them back. He was vaguely aware of the ones in his own eyes, “I wanted to disappear. _I wanted to die_ . Over and over. I stood on that edge more than once, _hoping_ it’d end…there was one time I was sure I’d done it.”

 

“I don’t think I had ever seen so much blood in my life.” He recalled in a low voice, “it was everywhere. I passed out at one point, but I remember Yukina screaming. He kept shouting my name over and over, his voice begging me to stay awake.” Suga pressed his hands together, “I woke up completely patched up  in the hospital a day later. Yukina hadn’t left my side… yet, in that moment, all I felt was disappointment that I hadn’t succeeded.”

 

“I didn’t stop hurting myself.” He said, “I continued wanting to kill myself for the longest while…”

 

“But as time went by, especially when I was with Yukina, that feeling slowly moved to the back of my mind. I started slowly coming around and trying to enjoy myself.”

 

It looked like she didn’t know what to say as she moved to cover her mouth, stifling a sob. Suga had never been so brutally honest with someone that wasn’t Yukina. He never thought, never in a million years, that he’d share what he was saying with _Kimiko_. But as he continued watching her from across the room, he knew the tears in her eye were far from being faked. The person he was in a room with had stopped looking at him as though he were some kind of enemy. She’d chosen to see him as another person, finally.

Contacting her had taken a lot out of him. He had taken a chance, not knowing if she’d be willing to help him for the time he needed to recollect his thoughts. She could have easily brushed him off and told him to face his problems alone, especially considering she had just broken up with Daichi. It had been a leap. But she’d agreed without much protest. In his call she must have sensed the desperation to get away from it all. She’d texted Suga just before leaving town completely, telling him there were no words or actions that could make up for what she did and didn’t do. But she’d made it clear that she would try to help him if he ever needed it and cheered him on in his pursuit of happiness.

She must have been very surprised to get a call from him so quickly asking for help. It had been his only way to escape quickly. 

 

“I’m sorry…” she sobbed, covering her face with her hands as a hiccup escaped her lips, “I…”

 

“I didn’t mean to make you so upset.” Suga knew there was nothing light about his story, “I’m still here. And I _want_ to stay here. It took me a long time to get here… I don’t want to make anyone sad. I don’t want to waste Yukina’s efforts, he worked so hard to help me get to this point.” Kimiko peeked out between her fingers, tears still very much running down her rosy cheeks.

 

Suga smiled, “I want to be friends with Daichi again. I… I can’t imagine never being able to speak to him, Yukina, or anyone I love ever again… to never feel their warmth again...” He feels the familiar sting of tears again, “I don’t want to disappear.”

 

“I don’t think they could imagine a world without you…” Kimiko managed between hiccups. “I know I don’t have any right to tell you this, but I don’t want you to disappear either.” Rolling over onto her back, he watched as her chest rose, Kimiko taking a deep breath.

 

The two of them sat in silence for some while, taking the proper time to calm themselves down. Suga kept his gaze locked on the windows and at the scenery beyond them. Kimiko remained in the same position staring up at the ceiling with glassy eyes.

“Will you be ok to go back?”

 

“I don’t know.” Suga admitted quietly.

 

“Everyone has your back.” Kimiko glances over to him, “you’re not alone, Suga.”

 

“I know.” And he knows it’s the truth.

 

***

The return flight is terrifying for Suga. Restless and eager to land, he found himself unable to get any actual sleep on the plane. There were long moments where he felt as though he were choking. Suffocating in the stifling cabin squished between two other people. Kimiko hadn’t left with him due to her having another concert elsewhere. She’d promised to head back to Japan as soon as it was over. If it had been her beside him, he would have gotten a little bit of sleep. Luckily, he managed to get brief periods where he could stand and walk around to stretch his legs.

 

Hitting the ground, he found himself exhausted and even more terrified. The thought of returning to his hometown once more, to have to explain _everything_ , left him sweaty and hesitant. He would tell his parents everything. All the secrets he’d kept hidden up until that point. It had taken him time away from everything to give him the courage to do so… although, he knew a call their way would have been a little more reassuring. He’d quite literally disappeared without much of a trace. It had been a selfish move on his part.

 

He’d gotten a new phone before leaving the country for Canada, knowing he would call Yukina as soon as he landed. The device felt heavy in hand as he pulled it out from his bag pocket and switched it on. It took only a few seconds before the screen brightened, the generic background full of trees and nature popping up. Suga waited a few more minutes before pressing the phone icon. His fingers shook even more as he dialed the number to his old phone.

 

Five minutes quickly passed as he stared down at the phone, afraid and slowly lost his nerve.

 

No. He needed to do this. He pressed the calling icon and pressed the cellphone up against his ear as the ringing sounded.

 

“ _Hello?_ ” Yukina’s voice answered warily, unaware of who was calling him.

 

The airport was a loud place, but Suga suddenly felt as though the whole world had gone quiet, “ _Y-Yukina. It’s...”_ There was silence for the longest while and Suga half wondered if the other had hung up on him before he heard a loud sob. The other man didn't have to hear the name to know who was calling him. 

 

 _“Suga where are you?!”_ There was evident panic Yukina's voice, a desperation to know. 

 

“I’m coming home, I’m at the airport now.” He managed, but just barely as he felt hot tears spill out, “I’m so sorry. I’m so...so, sorry, Yukina. I’m sorry for not saying or explaining anything to you like I promised I would.”

 

 _“I… I thought, I thought for sure you had decided to…”_ There was a broken sob on his side. Suga knew what Yukina meant without hearing the rest. He knew. And he knew that the other had considered the possibility that he would have never seen him again, _“Suga… I couldn’t even… I didn’t want to think you had...”_

 

How many times had he tried taking his own life, never considering how Yukina had felt? How _anyone_ would feel if he actually went through with it? Back then, in those dark moments, he'd never considered anyone else's feelings. Ever. Back then it had felt like the world had turned on him in an instant, and if he had chosen to disappear, no one would have noticed or cared. 

 

“I’m here.” He answered in a quiet voice. “I’m not going anywhere anymore. Yukina… I...”

 

 _“I was so afraid. You just disappeared without saying anything after that morning...”_ He listened as Yukina barely managed a couple of breaths between his words, “ _the only way we knew you were alive was by your bank activity…”_

 

“I’m sorry…” It seemed so pointless to apologize. His throat welled up, “Yukina… I want to see you. I want to see you so badly.”

 

_“Come home.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading~ <3 
> 
> I hope, despite the dark subject matter, you enjoyed. Look forward to the next parts~ 
> 
> Told you all that Kimiko would be back. ;)  
> Her new role isn't really meant to redeem her in any way, by the way.


	23. For Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIVE! (Sort of)
> 
> I wish I had been able to keep up with my updates, but honestly, I've been so exhausted from dealing with a few personal issues that it has affected my writing. 
> 
> BUUUT I spent a lot of time revising the plot for Crow's Call and I'm happier with my new direction heading towards the end. I hope y'all are ready for some drama. Get the tissues ready.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you think in the comments ~ <3

Suga felt as though his head would explode. 

The nagging feeling, that something was about to go wrong, lingered in the back of his mind on the train back. He tried paying attention to something else.  _ Anything _ . But it was useless. He was a slave to his mind, like always, and couldn’t turn it off like he so desperately wanted to. His thoughts were loud and imposing. They were like an annoying song playing on repeat. Over and over, a voice told him the same thing.  _ You know what’s coming for you. You’ve always known how this would end. You know what’s coming for you, Sugawara Koushi.  _

 

_ I mean, really, did you think it would all just go away? _

_ You knew he would never really go away.  _

 

And then the panic settled in once more. He knew all too well, judging from the looks people gave him as they passed or glanced around, he looked just as terrified as he felt. No one said anything as the panic attack came at full force and Suga remained glued to his seat with his nails digging into the soft cushion beneath him. Every part of him wanted to go back. Whether it was back to Canada or back to the apartment he shared with Yukina, even home, he didn’t really know anymore. He just wanted to go back to something. Anything seemed far better than the panic, the sweating and unfocused glances. He didn’t know what to keep his eyes on as the scenery whirled past him, so he tried to think of other things.  

 

He wanted to return to a time and place where everything was normal and safe. 

 

He wanted to go back to high school where everything was stupid and innocent. When he was running around with friends playing games all afternoon and late into the night. Where a joke between them would make them burst into laughter and end with them clutching their stomachs. The fun and thrill of being on the court with his closest of teammates, making that toss for Asahi… he missed it.

Suga wanted to return to those dark nights where he and Daichi would lay awake under the the covers of their futons, talking the hours away about nothing and everything all at once. Those had always been safe moments. It had been during those nights, watching his friend in the darkness as he spoke, that Suga had fallen in love. The first time he’d felt the fluttering of butterflies in his belly over the thought of another person.

 

But those times were far out of reach now and were nothing more than nostalgic memories he could fondly look back upon.

 

Suga leaned as far back as he could in his seat, closing his eyes for the gazillionth time it seemed. He pushed the sounds of the whispering passengers to the back of his mind as he took a deep breath in. Out. In. Out. With every breath, he found the anxiety gnawing at his heart faded. The painful drumming in his chest dulled to a regular and slow pace. He kept breathing until the voice was nothing more than a faint rumble in the back of his head, so far away he couldn’t focus on it anymore. 

 

There would never come a time when he would not feel the anxiety and fear. He knew it would remain with him for his entire life. Those voices would always have a place in the back of his mind. But, unlike before, he would not allow them to control him. It was time  _ he _ became the master of his anxiety and fear. No longer would be succumb to the voices because he didn’t know what to do. He would live in harmony with them, accept them for what they were and realize that they were a part of being human. 

 

People lived with their inner demons or they gave in to them. Suga had gone through enough of his life listening to them, seduced by their promises… 

It was not to say there wouldn’t come a day where he might hit a particular low, those voices resurfacing to tempt him into his darker habits, but he knew there would be someone with him. Yukina wouldn’t love him any less for experiencing a moment of weakness. Daichi would also be there. Somewhere. Even Kimiko, despite everything that had gone down between them. There were many who would come to support him. 

 

There had been a time when he had been too afraid to rely on anyone. Afraid to. All the friends he’d had in school had suddenly felt so far away in comparison to the only person who  _ had  _ been in his life in that moment after the incident. And then, the center of his life had become focused on the one person he had come to fear most of all. Hide. 

Yukina had been his saviour in every aspect. He’d given Suga a sense of normalcy back and had proven, over and over, there would always be  _ someone  _ there to support him. Or, as Suga had come to realize,  _ everyone  _ would be there to have his back. His parents. His friends. Daichi. All of them. 

 

Suga suddenly felt even more confident. Happier. The past was behind him and the future was ongoing. He needed to walk forward with his head held high. He would work at creating new memories with those he loved. With Yukina. With Daichi. 

 

***

 

There were no words in Yukina’s mind as the silveret hesitantly stepped off the train and onto the platform where everyone was waiting. The Karasuno volleyball team immediately erupted into a mix of gross sobbing and excited cheers before they all rushed over to him. Suga met the impact with a wide grin, tears forming in his own eyes, his arms reaching out for all of them at the same time as he greeted them. Daichi remained beside Yukina the whole time, his face an array of emotion as he took in the sight. The utter relief they both felt was on a whole other level compared to everyone else, although none could compare to the boy’s parents. 

 

The Sugawara’s stood on the sideline, they hadn’t moved or said anything the entire time. The looks on their faces, as they watched their son navigate through his friends, was enough to express that they were overjoyed… but there was a hint of sadness, in both of their eyes, and Daichi knew what was going on in their minds. He had thought it over and over. No one had expected Sugawara Koushi to ever return. Not after what he had looked like.

Suga’s mother had confided in Daichi during those hard weeks, her words difficult to listen to as he’d sat at the kitchen table of their family home. The same table he and Suga had secretly carved little etchings into as young teens. She’d expressed her concerns and speculated over why her son had looked so shockingly different, but she could not guess the truth and the horrible things her child had suffered. She only knew one thing for sure. There had been something haunting him ever since he’d arrived in their hometown, she’d said, a crippling fear that always made him look over his shoulder. As if he expected someone to be there waiting. 

 

_ “Who is he so afraid of?” she’d wondered aloud, her eyes trailing to the window. “Why would someone want to hurt him?” _

 

Daichi hadn’t known what to tell her. He’d sat there, eyes downcast to hide the guilt that had undoubtedly surfaced in them. With sweat trickling down his forehead and neck, he’d remained quiet and listened.  It seemed unfair to keep something so significant from her… but how could he live with the knowledge of betraying his own friend? Of sharing a story that wasn’t his to tell? 

Suga took the opportunity to approach his parents as everyone went from encircling him to speaking amongst one another. As if realizing that the silveret would perhaps like the chance to speak with his parents themselves. Suga took off in their direction with a wide smile, his arms reaching out for his mother. However, there was brief second of hesitation. Daichi felt his mouth go a little dry as he watched Suga’s mother flinch, looking unsure if whether holding her son was the right thing to do or not as she took a step backwards. He didn’t look particularly sad or upset as his arms fell to his sides, a faint smile stretching his lips. 

 

Instead, he stopped a few feet away from them, “hi mom. Hi dad.” 

 

Neither of them moved an inch. They kept staring at the younger man as though they were looking at a ghost, but knowing at the same time that what they were seeing was real. Suga’s father looked the most puzzled with a deep frown creasing his features. The exchange of looks and silence went unnoticed by the others as Daichi kept them busy with a new topic. 

 

“Koushi.” The way his name slipped past his mother’s lips was lovely, just as it was sad. 

 

The silveret swallowed, “I have so much to tell you.” His eyes shifted to where his father stood a few feet away, “to both of you.” He frowned, looking troubled, averting his gaze to the ground, “I… I know I haven’t called very much or explained…”

 

“Koushi.” This time, it was his father, “it can wait.” Suga looked up with wide eyes as the man continued, “It’s okay. Let’s start by going home, okay? One step at a time. You’ve only just gotten here.”  

 

Suga felt his shoulders relax, especially when his mother walked over to him with a sweet smile, “Sugimura-kun looks like he’s about to  _ cry  _ if he doesn’t see you.” She pointed to the other young man just a little distance away, Suga’s father let out a small laugh.

 

“Let’s head back once you’ve greeted him and finished with everyone.” 

 

Yukina had decided against interrupting Suga’s moment with everyone and his family. He’d chosen to stand on the side and patiently wait his turn. Although, that had slowly turned to impatience as he’d watched people take their time and wrap their arms around Suga. Each second watching them only made him want to do the same more and more. The urge to pull the other against him, to kiss his forehead as he welcomed him back...

It had seemed out of place of him to rush forward like the others, especially since no one really knew the extent of their relationship. Except Daichi. No one knew him. Save for Suga’s family and close friends. It was not the time for him to be selfish. Not in front of so many people. 

 

So… he’d gotten a little upset. Jealous, maybe. Especially when the two youngest - Hinata and Kageyama - had practically slobbered all over him in a mess of tears and snot. Someone else had had to peel them off Suga. 

 

He walked over slowly, nervous, “Suga…” Yukina hardly knew what to do with himself as they grew closer and closer. Would it be strange to do like everyone else and pull him in for a hug? It seemed odd, considering it was  _ different  _ for them. 

 

Suga, however, didn’t even hesitate as he stretched his arms out and wrapped them around Yukina’s frame. The other had been so preoccupied and lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even had the time to register what was happening. There had been a faint smile on the other’s face as he’d come forward, a tender and loving look reserved for Yukina alone. He felt the other’s warmth and immediately responded himself, his own arms around Suga. Squeezing.

 

“I’m back, I’m home.” He whispered against Yukina, a smile spreading his lips, “I…” Suga’s voice faded as he pulled back to look up at his boyfriend. 

 

They stared at each other for a brief second, Yukian grinned, “I missed you so much.” the brunet then felt his eyes stinging and tried to blink the tears away. “I’m so glad you’re safe… that you’re here.” 

 

“No more disappearing acts,” Suga promised. “We face everything. Together, from now on.”

 

“Always.” Yukina agreed, stepping back from the other. Their closeness had gone mostly unnoticed by the others as they’d been far too absorbed in other things. Suga’s parents had turned away to converse with other couples standing nearby. Daichi and the Karasuno volleyball team were all bunched up together, noisy as they tried to speak over one another.

“You know,” Suga began quietly, “I feel like the time away, it really helped. Everything doesn’t feel so stifling… I can  _ breathe  _ again. It’s selfish…” 

 

Yukina shook his head, “you did what you thought was right for you.” 

 

“That’s a lame excuse.” The silveret frowned, his face scrunching up. 

 

“They usually are.” The other tilted his head back with a laugh, “so what now? Where do we go from here?”

 

“What do you mean?” Suga offered him a questioning glance. “We go back to how it was. Us. You finishing medical school.” He crossed his arms, “we’ll start with going home and talking.” 

 

They said their goodbyes to the team in the few moments after. Once more, someone had to pry Hinata off of Suga as he tearfully expressed his joy over his return. Kageyama slapped him on the back of the head, shouting all kind of obscenities at him and Suga smiled at the sight of them. Even after so many years they still remained the same. Asahi rushed over for one last hug before him and Nishinoya took off. 

 

The only ones who remained were Suga, his family, Yukina and Daichi. The ex-captain chose to walk with them as he only lived a few streets away from the Sugawara’s. Suga hadn’t spoken to Daichi much, but he offered to meet him for coffee the next morning so they could catch up. The ex-captain, in response, teasingly told the silveret that he’d pick him up from home bright and early. 

 

Just as Suga made his way across the tracks with his family, Yukina and Daichi on either side of him, someone walked by them in the opposite direction.  At first nothing felt odd or abnormal. It was only as the silveret caught sight of the tattoos and piercings, the familiar charming smile, he felt his whole body tense. He knew those features. Dreaded the sight of them. They embodied everything he feared the most. 

Suga whirled as they got to the other side, knowing his eyes hadn’t deceived him. They couldn’t have. It wasn’t like him to imagine things,  to see things that weren’t there. The memories of what had happened all those years ago flooded his mind as his eyes met those of the one person he never wanted to see again. 

 

Whom he thought he’d never see again. 

 

_ You knew how this was going to end, Koushi.  _

 

The sounds of the charging train were drowned out by the crows cawing above him, Suga’s eyes remained fixed on the man standing across the tracks smiling back at him. Yukina had stopped to call out to the others before looking to the same point as his boyfriend, taking a few moments to understand exactly what he was seeing. 

 

Out of instinct, he placed a hand on Suga’s elbow, “is that…” 

 

“That’s him.” 

 

Hide didn’t move from his place across the tracks, he only stared at the two of them. Like a hunter watching or admiring its prey. Everyone seemed confused over what they were staring at as they fell silent behind Suga. Only Daichi could be heard, a sharp intake of breath. He knew. He’d caught on and put the pieces together. 

 

Suga felt a shiver run up his spine as the other man mouthed something from across the tracks, all while maintaining that devilish grin on his face. And then for a brief second, Hide glanced over to Yukina and nodded just as the train started rushing by. 

 

But Suga didn’t turn around or walk away, he waited until the train was out of sight. 

 

However, Hide had already gone. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeyyyy I told you he'd come back! 
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoyed ~ <3


	24. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not disappeared ~ 
> 
> I'm back with more emotion for y'all. We're reaching the final chapters C;  
> Again, this'll be a sort of heavy one... Daichi and Suga finally have a little heart to heart (sort of). 
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3

The next morning Suga tried not to think of Hide as he slid his arms through the sleeves of his cardigan. It smelled exactly like Yukina. Of the herbal tea he loved so much. He glanced to the futon set up beside his bed, where the other slept with the blankets drawn up to his cheeks, and smiled to himself. It took all of him not to crawl in and sleep for another couple of hours. Since the night before, it felt like they hadn’t spent enough time _together_. They’d barely spoken. As soon as Suga had finished dinner, utterly exhausted, he’d gone straight to bed. Yukina had fallen into the futon some time after midnight probably.

 

 Reluctantly, he slipped from the room and tiptoed down the stairs. He was silent the whole way to the front hall, where he grabbed the extra key to get back into the house. It was still in the little compartment of their hallway closet. Even though he’d spent so long away from home, to attend university and all, everything remained exactly the way he remembered. In place. Comforting.

Just before opening the door, he glanced back at the house. It was still dark. No one else was up. His arrival -or return- had been emotional for everyone in the Sugawara household. His parents had sat on either side of him during dinner the night before, taking every opportunity to touch their son and ensure that he wasn’t some cruel fragment of their imagination. At some point, his mother had reached under the table to grasp his hand and Suga had squeezed back.

 

“How long have you been sitting here?”

 

Daichi glanced up at him from his position on the doorstep, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jacket. He tilted his head, “an hour or so?”

 

It didn’t surprise him. Not in the slightest. Daichi _was_ the kind of guy to arrive extra early somewhere, to sit in the freezing cold or the blazing heat. He’d done it all the time back in high school before classes or practice. Suga was sure he’d arrived to plenty of dates extra early during his time in university or when he’d started dating Kimiko. Wringing his hands nervously, eyes shifting all over as he thought of a million ways to greet the person he was seeing.  

 

Suga gave him a long look, “you could have texted me?”

 

The ex-captain only shrugged, “I needed the air. Had to clear my head a bit, it’s been a hard few weeks.”

 

The way he said it, barely above a whisper, made Suga blink. Hard. He felt his mouth go a bit dry as he tried to think of something to ask or respond. Daichi _had_ gone through a lot in the past few weeks. His whole life - his future- had changed in a matter of days when he’d broken up with Kimiko. It wasn’t especially shocking that he had a lot to think about. To consider. Even though his immediate future was in their hometown, working at their old high school, it didn’t mean that it would forever stay that way. There would come a day when he would meet his significant other… he would get married… he would move onto other things and live elsewhere.

Suga shifted on his feet instead, awkwardly staring at the ground right next to his best friend. Trying to build the courage to say something. A part of him couldn’t help but wonder if their reunion, Daichi finding out about what had happened with Hide, had somehow contributed to his break-up with the violinist. But, it wasn’t like Daichi would admit that. He’d never put the blame on Suga or allow the silveret to shoulder such guilt. Just like he’d never truly be mad about Suga disappearing out of the blue.

 

“Ready to go?” Daichi  asked, breaking the silence that had stretched on. “I think we’ll both end up freezing if we sit here staring at one another.”

 

“Yeah.” Suga’s nodded. He suddenly felt a little glum as he followed behind the other.

 

There was a while where they didn’t walk side by side and Suga chose to trail a few feet behind his best friend. Daichi didn’t say anything about it. He seemed completely lost in thought, his lips forming a thin line on his face as his brows furrowed slightly. Suga occasionally glanced up at the other and around, to make sure they weren’t turning in circles or heading to nowhere in particular as they swerved across streets.  

Corner after corner went by, crosswalk after crosswalk… Suga hardly paid attention. He only followed his friend, listening for his steps as he closed his eyes every now and then. No one else was out walking. Some stores were preparing for the day ahead, but they paid them no attention as they went on about their own business placing baked goods or laying out fresh vegetables and fruits. The two of them continued making their way down cramped corridors between stores, Daichi in the lead and Suga following closely behind. It almost felt as though they were navigating through a labyrinth, turning in circles.

A small sound from above caught his attention, making Suga glance up. At first he couldn’t make anything out in the darkness and had to squint. Staring up into the web of electrical and clothing wires, a few perched crows were looking down at him. Suga felt a chill run down his spine. He had never thought twice about the sight of the black birds, but they seemed to have an ominous presence above him. As if they knew everything that was and what would be.

 

The silveret rushed forward a bit, closing the distance between him and his friend, “where are we going?”

 

Daichi startled as he was pulled from his thoughts and answered, “oh… uh,  I thought we could walk along the river.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Daichi glanced back at him, “are you ok?”

 

“Yeah.” Suga lied, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Just fine.”

 

When they finally emerged from the dark alley-space, from the darkness and into the light, Suga let out a breath of relief. The closeness of the walls had been a little stifling. And the crows had been a terrifying sight. The eeriness and quietness of it all had been bone-chilling. There was no knowing if it was just Suga being paranoid or if it was something to worry about.

The silveret chose to walk beside his friend as they cleared the town buildings and moved onto the path right by the river. It was clear of people. Normally, children played on the riverbanks or biked along the sandy path. Older people, or students, would run along to exercise. In the past, Suga and Daichi had often walked it on their way home or to school. They’d raced. They’d laughed. They’d told each other secrets.

 

As they approached the water, Daichi asked, “want to go sit? I thought we could talk here before the three of us go for coffee.”

 

“ _Three_?”

 

“I invited Yukina.” the ex-captain smiled. “I thought it’d be nice to spend time together. Before you guys head back.”

 

“Oh.” Suga blinked. “Yeah. Sure.”

 

They settled near the water’s edge, sitting cross-legged next to one another. Their knees touching  ever so slightly. Daichi, staring dead ahead, didn’t notice Suga’s lips stretching into a small smile. It was comfortable and familiar to the silveret. They’d always sat in a way that was a little _too_ close, tiptoeing into a more _intimate_ nature… but it had always felt normal. Daichi had always kind gravitated towards him like a magnet. And it had been the same for Suga.

 

Of course, that had all changed when the silveret realized his feelings had become something other than friendship towards the other. It had been easy at first, pretending. He’d pushed those sick feelings to the back of his mind and had chosen to focus on being with his friend. Supporting him and his teammates. But, as time had gone on, it had become increasingly difficult and each passing day had left him more breathless than the last.

 

Daichi leaned back on his elbows, “I can’t believe how long it’s been since we sat here.”

 

“It wasn’t _that_ long ago,” Suga grinned, “you’re like an old man.”

 

But it _had_ been long. Especially since they’d come together. There had been times before graduating that the silveret had walked along the path alone, just to see if his best friend had been sitting along the water’s edge. A few times he’d spotted him. Either with friends or with Kimiko. He’d never approached, never knowing what he’d say to the other. It had always felt like he’d been watching some kind of alternate reality- in which Suga had never existed.  

 

“Hey… Suga, can I… can I ask you something?” Daichi broke the silence that had fallen between them. “I just want to confirm if it’s true.”

 

There were a million thoughts coursing through Suga’s mind in that moment. What on earth could Daichi want to confirm with such a serious look on his face? Just as he opened his mouth, the other quickly spoke.

 

“Kimiko told me… you were in love with me. In high school.”

He felt his mouth go dry. This wasn’t exactly the conversation he’d thought he’d be having with the other so early in the morning. Suga knew it would have come out someday after their reunion...but that day had always seemed so far away in his mind _because_ he kept putting it off. But he knew it would have come around.  Whether it had been Kimiko or Suga telling Daichi himself. The directness in the other’s voice had caught him off guard for a second.

 

Daichi wasn’t one to avoid a subject, he wasn’t someone to beat around the bush. He was direct. Especially with Suga.

 

It was Suga who avoided. He kept things from others. It was another one of his bad habits. Especially when it came to the ex-captain.

 

 _Truths always seem to have nasty ways of emerging_ , Suga thought to himself as he drew his knees up to his chin. As he mulled over what he wanted to say to his best friend, his eyes returned to observing the scenery splayed out before them. The flowing river. The tall grass bending in the wind’s direction. The clouds sailing across the morning sky.

 

It felt like a whole hour had passed before Daichi quietly asked, “why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Suga turned his head, his cheek resting on his knee, “I didn’t want _anyone_ to know. It was bad enough I felt disgusting and abnormal on a daily basis… why would I spread the feeling to my best friend?” He paused, “I wanted to be the _normal friend_.”

 

“Suga…” Daichi’s face twisted.

 

“I kept telling myself it was _enough_ . You were my best friend.” the silveret felt a swelling in his throat, a lump rising,, “but one day, it just _hurt_ so much. It wasn’t enough. I wanted you to look at me… to…” Daichi turned in time to see the single tear stream down the other’s cheek, his eyes meeting Suga’s glassy ones, “it was _overwhelming_ , I didn’t know what to do anymore… so I snapped.”

 

“The arguments.” the ex-captain recalled all those difficult, confusing, moments.

 

“It wasn’t how I wanted to deal with it. Everyday I tried coming up with some way of telling you… but I lost my nerve each time.” Suga explained quietly, “I had made up my mind one time. There was one day… when my phone got taken and yours broke. Remember?”

 

Daichi nodded. Suga had looked so off and nervous that day.

 

“I ended up leaving a note in your locker...god it felt like some _shojo_ manga scene…” Suga laughed a little, “I wanted to tell you so badly that day, so I wrote the note and waited for you.”

 

Daichi’s heart swelled, a sense of guilt hitting him, “I… you know I never saw it.”

 

“I know.” Suga shrugged, “I assumed Kimiko- _chan_ had crumpled it up… but that day, it felt like everything had come crashing down. I hated who I was. I hated that I would never be who everyone wanted me to be.”

 

He remembered standing for what felt like hours in the place he had designated in the note, his heart utterly crushed when Daichi hadn’t come. A part of him had known Kimiko had taken the note and ripped it… but he’d honestly thought her too timid to keep it from the captain. He’d expected the guilt to be too much for her. Suga had _hoped_. He had wanted to be wrong about the girl.

But as the sun had begun to set, most sports practices ending, Suga knew that his best friend wouldn’t come. He’d returned to their classroom to retrieve his books before going home. Defeated. Hurt.

Just before leaving, a sudden urge within him had propelled him to glance out the window. To focus on the stream of teenagers flowing from the school gates. The sight had been painful. He’d watched his best friend walk away from school with Kimiko, smiling down at her as she giggled about something.

 

He remembered the books in his hands feeling heavier than usual. Watching the two of them, in a position he had often occupied by the captain’s side, he’d felt a sense of disconnection and disassociation from everything. It had been the first time he’d felt so alone and insecure.

“The more I watched you walk around with Kimiko, the more I came to think that it had been meant that way.” Suga smiled to himself, “that my place in your life had been something temporary… friends come and go.”

 

“Is that _seriously_ what you thought?” Daichi’s voice cracked, “did you ever consider how I felt?”

 

The silveret gave his friend a sad look, “Dai, I was so lost in my own head, so numb, I couldn’t even think straight anymore. At that point I just wanted everything to go away.” He remembered wanting nothing more for everything to be quiet. For oblivion to take him. To sink him into pitch blackness, just so he couldn’t _feel_.  

 

The ex-captain let out a breath he’d been holding in, “I wish I had known.”

 

“It doesn’t change the fact that you would never have loved me. Not in the way I loved you.”

 

“Don’t be unfair.” Daichi whispered, sadness tugging at him. “ _Please_.”

 

At the sight of his friend looking so broken down, the inner turmoil evident in his twisted expression, Suga reached his arms out to the other to pull him in for hug. He hadn’t meant for the words to be hurtful. Daichi responded to the warmth immediately as his own arms rose to return the gesture. He squeezed Suga against him, broken, choked, sobs shaking through him. It was such raw emotion that the silveret felt shaken, not knowing what to do as more tears streamed down his cheeks.

It felt like they remained in each other's arms for a long while. No words spoken between them as they separated and settled into position where they leaned against one another.  With Suga’s head resting on Daichi’s shoulder, they sat side by side. Their hands entwined.

 

Daichi knew that nothing could change between them. Not when Suga was so happy and had such a promising future with someone so devoted to him.

 

The ex-captain squeezed the silveret’s hand gently.

 

He, too, had not known what to do about his feelings all those years ago. It had all been so overwhelming as a teenager. Everyone always told him that he was meant to date girls and eventually marry to have a family. That was what everyone expected from him. But it had never been only about physical attraction to him… it had never been solely focused on one’s gender. Whether he dated a woman or a man… it didn’t matter to him.

What he’d had with Suga had been something in between a friendship and a relationship. It had been a weird grey zone. They had been _closer_ than normal friends should have been. More intimate. He’d come to love his friend in a way he had not understood and would not until much later in his life. His mother had likely realized it early on. She’d pulled him aside, telling him that whatever was happening between him and Suga had to stop. That they were no longer children and eventually they’d start dating girls. Like they were meant to.

 

And he’d foolishly gone along with everyone’s expectations. At some point, he’d deluded himself into thinking that what he had felt for his best-friend had been nothing more than a childish crush.

But that had never been the case. University, meeting new people and talking to all kinds, he’d realized that life had never been meant to be so straightforward. It was messy. Confusing. A jumble of emotion. Not black and white. Love was not easily defined, it couldn’t be.

 

Above all else, he wanted the silveret to be happy. Even if it meant that happiness was with another person. Daichi had taken far too long to realize what he had felt all those years ago. He’d mulled over his thoughts and it had taken others, different relationships, to realize he had been in love. He could never have expected the other to hang on and wait for him. They had been living separate lives. And while Suga’s had changed drastically, Daichi’s had remained more or less the same. Endless turning in circles.

He hadn’t known how to go forward…he had lost touch with the silveret. The Sugawara’s had also not spoken to their son in a long while. So he’d done what had been expected of him. Dating and eventually marrying Kimiko had seemed like the right choice at the time. She had been everything his parents wanted.  

 

But he had never stopped loving Suga. 

 

And he would never stop loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say sort of >u>
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter! I have more to come soon <3  
> Thank you all for being patient with me as I write this. 
> 
>  
> 
> If anyone has questions or wants to bother me about anything or chat, feel free to contact me~ 
> 
> Email: chai.blackrabbit@gmail.com  
> Discord: BlackRabbit (#1832)


	25. Uneasy - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Here with more <3 
> 
> We get a little more Yukina :3 
> 
> I'm hoping to get the next chapter out this week once I've finished with some minor edits on previous chapters and something new I'm working on. 
> 
> Enjoy ~

To say he didn’t sleep well would be an understatement. 

 

Yukina had slept  _ horribly _ . 

 

He’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, sitting up occasionally to check that Suga was still in the bed by the window. His heart raced every time he couldn’t make out the other’s figure under the covers. It was only when the silveret stirred, a soft sigh escaping his lips, did the medical student feel relieved enough to lay back down and try to sleep again. It was not a dream. The other man was  _ real  _ and was in the same room and not somewhere unreachable. He was so close but felt  _ so far away _ . 

He’d woken a few times again after that, the nagging worry that his boyfriend wasn't there again. Each and every time he jolted awake he would sit up and check the room, a frenzy taking over. It was an awful feeling. All of it reminded him of all those sleepless nights when he didn’t know if he’d find the other lifeless somewhere in their apartment. He didn’t know what he’d do in the case of the other leaving once more. 

 

He wasn’t entirely sure he could live through it again. 

 

At some point, despite the painful pounding in his chest and the urge to sob, he’d forced himself to lay back down and get some kind of rest. Even if it meant keeping his eyes closed and listening to the silence of the Sugawara household he’d come to consider a second home. 

 

But the worry remained and the medical student felt nauseous. It felt as though he were sinking. Down and down, the sensation making him disoriented. A fear like no other seized him, his breathing rapid and shallow. He found it increasingly difficult to keep a single coherent thought in his mind as he curled in on himself. To get some kind of grip on reality until the whirlwind within him ceased raging. 

 

Yukina, until before Suga, had always dealt with his panic attacks alone. Enduring them until they subsided and he was left on the ground, exhausted to the point where he didn’t want to move anymore. His friends and past lovers had never offered any form of comfort on the matter. It had been too overwhelming for them. Too much to take in and deal with. 

 

His anxiety attacks had always come across as something strange for someone like him to experience. 

 

_ “Aren’t you a medical student?”  _

 

Like it had anything to do with it. He wasn’t any less human - he was just as vulnerable to illness as anyone else. Mental illness was no exception. 

When he had needed someone the most, they’d push him away as though he had become some kind of burden. A problem they didn’t want to fix because they were afraid. 

 

“ _ It’s not you… it’s me. Really. _ ” 

 

Always the same excuse. Always. He’d grown accustomed to hearing it over and over after each partner. It was just another way of telling him that that dealing with mental illness was too much for them to bear. That  _ he  _ was too much and not at all what they’d expected when they’d first met. 

 

Suga had never pushed him away or mocked him. Never given him some kind of excuse to wash his hands of Yukina.  He’d insisted from the get go, if ever anything was bothering him or he had some kind of attack, that he’d be there in an instant. That Yukina should come get him or call, no matter the time of day. Just like the medical student had done before when they’d first started living together. At first, he’d been wary and tried to handle them alone to avoid being a burden on the other… in his mind, he had been trying to give space and time for the other to heal. 

But he’d come to realize it was not in any way to pay him back for the kindness he’d offered first, it was genuine concern. For Yukina. Sugawara Koushi was an incredibly  _ caring  _ person. Gentle and soothing, as well as incredibly perceptive… despite the obvious pain and suffering he had gone through himself. 

 

But as he lay on the bed, the panic only building, he chose to endure it alone. It felt as though hours had gone by before his body relaxed into the sheets once more, too tired to keep up with the anxiety barreling through him. After some time he felt his eyes drooping, sleep lulling him into a restless darkness.

 

Yukina woke when Suga slipped from the room, his steps echoing down the hall until they could no longer be heard. The medical student rolled onto his back to mindlessly stare up at the ceiling and consider whether he should get up or not. There was no way he’d get any more sleep. It seemed pointless when he had to be up in a few hours to meet up with Daichi and Suga anyways. With a sigh, he crawled out from under the sheets.

 

He took his time changing, knowing he had plenty of time to himself. The mundane routine of picking out and putting on his clothes seemed to take more effort and time than usual. Everything felt heavy, his limbs and the clothes he pulled from his bag. It felt like a  _ chore _ . All of it. He laid out multiple options for the day, but spent more time staring down blankly lost in thought. 

 

It was a while before he was ready, but as soon as he stepped out the door, he exhaled. The cold rush of the morning air felt amazing against his burning skin. Refreshing. The feeling lingered until his body adjusted to the temperature outside and he was well on his way towards the cafe. 

There were very people out and about as he strolled down the streets, only vendors preparing for the day ahead as they pulled supplies and produce out of trucks or storefronts. As he passed they would offer him cheerful hellos or wave. It was incredibly different from the bustling city life he was accustomed to. 

 

***

Sitting in the designated cafe all alone, left to stare at the boiling cup of coffee in front of him, he felt his shoulders slump a little. He was  _ tired _ . Emotionally and physically. It wasn’t the same exhaustion he felt after a few all-nighters of studying and writing papers. He could  _ feel _ it throughout his whole body and in his bones. It was a dull ache. He knew that a mere night of sleep wouldn’t make it go away, it would linger. 

 

For a  _ while _ . Call it seasonal anxiety or depression, he knew the months ahead would not be pleasant. It always managed to hit him like a ton of bricks at the worst of times. The stress of school wouldn’t help him either. Especially after missing so much - but he had only his own selfishness for dropping out temporarily. He hadn’t been able to act like everything was normal and attend classes…

To go back to the apartment he shared with Suga. He wouldn’t have been able to face it day in, day out. 

 

The cafe waitress bounced from table to table, offering refills with a overly joyous smile. She’d come to Yukina’s table a few times in the past hour to make small talk and offer more coffee. He’d answer her questions or remarks with a small smile and pretend to be interested, hoping it wasn’t obvious whenever his eyes would remain focused on the road outside. She never seemed to take offense when he trailed off. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk with her, he just needed a moment to breathe. To think without someone interrupting him. His eyes remained fixed on the window as the hour passed. Eventually, the waitress ceased coming over to offer him more to drink. All the other people sitting in the cafe were immersed in whatever they’d brought with them. 

 

As another hour came to an end, Yukina felt himself drowning out everything but the window in front of him.  He’d gotten incredibly more nervous watching the street from the his table, mindlessly tapping a finger on it as he watched people rush by. 

 

_ Ah, there they are.  _

 

As Daichi and Suga approached the cafe, walking down the street together and laughing, there was but a single thought in Yukina’s mind.  

 

_ They look so perfect together _ . 

 

If anyone didn’t know any better, they looked like a couple.  _ A happy couple _ . Like they’d never argued a day in their life and had spent the past five or so years together. Walking to and from volleyball practice. The smile on Suga’s face was one  _ reserved  _ for the ex-captain only. It had a different meaning, full of warmth and affection for the other as laughed at another joke. 

_ This  _ is what they must have looked like before everything. Before everything had gone wrong and to hell. 

A horrible feeling blossomed in the medical student’s chest then - a mixture of jealousy and insecurity. He stopped looking at the two, his head hanging shamefully. It almost felt as though he were intruding on something he shouldn’t. Seeing something he shouldn’t. 

Maybe he should have stayed in bed. Pretend like he’d forgotten about meeting them both - just so he wouldn’t have to see them  _ together _ . 

 

“Yukina!” Suga’s cheery voice broke the silence of the cafe, “sorry we’re late.” 

 

Late? Were they late? Hadn’t they said ten? What time was it? He’d, admittedly, stopped paying attention to the time.  

Yukina mumbled something in response, his eyes shutting tightly. He felt nauseous again as he felt Suga brush up beside him, a hand coming to rest on his shoulder. The other man said something in greeting, but Yukina didn’t hear it clearly and his reply was nothing more than an inaudible whisper. 

 

“Daichi, mind ordering first?” 

 

The medical student, tensing, felt his head snap up as the other walked away, “Su-” 

 

Suga slid into the seat right next to Yukina, “I’m sorry.” 

 

Yukina flinched. What was he sorry for? A wave of panic coursed through him, his heart rate increasing by the second. Painfully. He didn’t know where to look as his boyfriend reached over to take his clammy hand. His gaze darted over to where the ex-captain was, standing in front of the counter and taking an intentionally long time to order his coffee. 

 

“Yukina?” Suga’s voice sounded so far away. “Hey. Look at me.” When he did, he felt his eyes stinging, “what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” 

 

It was a poor lie. One that instinctively flew out of his mouth. He knew it was far from convincing, especially when his lower lip wouldn’t stop quivering, but Suga didn’t make a comment about it as he wrapped his arms around Yukina. To give him a reassuring squeeze. It was comforting and soothing, the older student melted almost immediately. 

 

“There’s nothing to worry about,” Suga promised as he pulled away slightly, a serene smile on his face, “I’m not going to disappear. I’m here, with you, to stay.” 

 

Yukina was just about to say something back, when Daichi cleared his throat a few feet away from them and Suga perked up to look at him. The ex-captain had a silly expression on his face as he held his coffee cup up, indicating that he’d ordered and was about to sit down but didn’t want to interrupt anything. Suga didn’t hesitate as he gestured to one of the chairs. 

 

“I’ll go order.” He stepped behind Yukina’s chair, swerving a little. “Be right back.” 

 

Daichi was sitting a few seconds later, looking content and relaxed. He took a few sips from his drink before glancing across to where the medical student was. There was something thoughtful in his expression, as though he wanted to say something to Yukina but wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. 

 

“W-what?” 

 

It felt like a whole five minutes went by before he exhaled loudly, “just… this doesn’t change anything...” the ex-captain closed his eyes, “Suga… I asked him about his feelings. For me. In high school.” 

 

_ Oh _ . 

 

“It had been on my mind for a while.” He admitted, “Maybe I should have asked you first…”

 

“He doesn’t need my permission to see or talk to you.” Yukina’s eyes narrowed, his voice a little more aggressive than usual. 

 

The other’s eyes widened, “oh no,  _ no,  _ that’s not what I meant. I just don’t want you feeling upset about it… it’s seems a bit insensitive of me, to talk about that sort of stuff with someone who’s your boyfriend…” 

 

“It’s fine.” 

 

“I don’t want to make things awkward.” Daichi’s expression fell a bit, “I just…” 

 

“I said it’s  _ fine _ .”

 

“But it isn’t, is it?” the man leaned forward, “I’m not trying to take him from you… I’d never do something so  _ shitty  _ and low. I may love him, but I’d never forcefully wedge myself between him and the person he loves. I wouldn’t do that.” 

 

The words stung, just a little bit. Because Yukina  _ knew  _ he would have heard them one day or another and no amount of time would have properly prepared him for it. He’d always had some feeling that the two boys had spent years secretly loving each other - wasn’t that how it always was? 

 

Yukina opened his mouth, but closed it quickly as Daichi went on

“It’s obvious we were two idiots  _ pining  _ for each other for years. I didn’t know what to say to him, not when everyone around me was telling me loving another boy was wrong.” Daichi paused, “I was afraid… instead of facing my fears, of facing my feelings, I turned away and told myself it was better having him as my best friend.” 

 

“At some point, I just  _ stopped _ . I stopped looking at him. Listening to him.”  

 

Yukina watched Suga from the table, ordering his own drink with a smile a million times more radiant than the waitress’. The two of them were chatting and gushing about toppings, which ones went with what and the best seasonal coffees. It was a sight that brought warmth to Yukina’s heart. 

 

“I spent years regretting my choices.” His eyes wandered back to Daichi’s, “I just want to make amends, to be his friend…” 

 

“What are you trying to tell me?” Yukina wondered quietly, “what do  _ you really  _ want?” 

 

“I want him to be happy.” There was no hint of hesitation in the other’s voice. “With you. With everything he does. Only  _ his _ happiness matters to me. I’d never make him choose between us, not when you’ve been there for him and I’ve been a missing.”

 

Daichi smiled. And something about it made Yukina feel sad, “you… you didn’t tell him your side of the story… did you?” 

 

“I never will.” he whispered.  

 

And he seemed content with that. Absolutely, and foolishly, ok with never letting it out.

 

Yukina felt a rush of emotion, his cheeks flushing. He didn’t know or understand how the other could live with that after so many years… the medical student had every intention of telling him to share his side with Suga, so the other could finally put his shame to rest… of falling in love with his best friend and  _ hating  _ himself because of it… 

He was a hypocrite. For feeling so jealous, scared of losing Suga to the ex-captain… but he also wanted the two of them to speak honestly. To get their feelings off their chests before they  _ both  _ came to regret it.

 

“It’s not fair of you to keep it from him,” he blurted. 

 

“I know. But I don’t think  _ I’m _ ready to tell him.” Daichi gave him a small smile, “I also don’t want to be a source of pain to him. Sometimes it’s better to leave certain things alone, rather than dig into an old wound.” 

 

“What’re you guys talking about?” Suga jumped back to the table, “it’s all serious business over here. You’re making the other customers tense.” 

  
  


Suga sat quickly, slipping into the chair beside Daichi like it was second nature. Like he had probably done so many times, over and over, in the past when they’d been teenagers. The coffee in his hands was topped with milk foam and an excessive amount of cinnamon, the aroma filling up the immediate area. Daichi regarded it with a laugh and Yukina couldn’t help but smile too. 

He didn't want to hold anything against Daichi. It wouldn't be fair, especially when Suga was so open and ready to move on from the past so that he could have his best friend back. Yukina couldn't force someone out of the other's life - he'd be no better than Hide in that case.

Honestly, he wanted to blame the jealousy on his lack of sleep and anxiety...

But maybe that was just an excuse.  

 

“You should come visit us when you have time off,” Yukina offered after a while of back and forth chatter, pushing the negative thoughts and feelings as far away as possible, “I’m sure we’ll come back here for the holidays… but it’d be fun to spend more time together.” 

 

At first he seemed surprised, the invitation out of the blue, but Daichi seemed pleased as he answered, “I’d love that.” 

 

*** 

 

The three spent much of that week together, Asahi and Nishinoya joining them every now and then. They went out for drinks, they hung out to do nothing more than talk… they’d talked Yukina into joining them for a fun pointless match of volleyball. It was a nice change of scenery before they’d have to jump back into everyday life. To everyone, they saw a considerable change in Suga’s physical wellbeing - he’d started taking on a little weight and his skin looked healthier. He didn’t look as though he’d snap in half if someone touched his arm. 

 

When it came time for them to go, Yukina was just a little sad. He’d come to really like Suga’s hometown and the people he’d met while staying there. The Sugawara’s had told him to come back whenever he wanted, that he was always welcome - the knowing look in Suga’s mother’s eye seemed to hint that she knew about their relationship, but she didn’t say anything more when she sent them off. 

 

As soon as they’d arrived at the station, Daichi stood waiting for them with his hands stuffed in his pockets and a wide smile on his face. Asahi sat a few feet away, glancing back with a shy smile when he saw the two of them approach. 

To Yukina, it felt so odd. Like it was some kind of final goodbye and they’d never see each other ever again. He watched Suga exchange a few words with each of his friends, laughing softly when Asahi started tearing up and pulling him in for a hug. 

 

“Take care of him for us, ok?” Daichi turned his attention to Yukina, “make sure he works out to build some muscle.” 

 

“ _ Dai _ …” Suga glared up at him, “you’re talking like you’re my dad.” 

 

“I  _ was  _ the team dad.” The ex-captain said matter-of-factly. “It’s only natural I look out for the physical well being of my teammates.”  

“Dork.” Suga muttered under his breath.

 

“Ah,” Daichi glanced up when the bell for boarding went off, “you better get on before it leaves without you.” 

 

Suga pursed his lips, disappointed the time had flown by so quickly, “you’ll visit?” 

 

“When I get the time off work. Promise.” Daichi smiled to Yukina, “call or message me when you guys get in, ok? I want to make sure you get home safe.”

 

Yukina glanced to his boyfriend, “I think he’s trying to adopt me into the family…” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd that's that for now~ 
> 
> Like I said above, I'm hoping to get the new chapter out this week. (fingers crossed)   
> I have something new I've been working on that will also be released here soon <3 
> 
> Thank you for reading ~


	26. UPDATE **NOT NEW CHAPTER**

Hi y'all ~ 

Sorry for disappearing... I've been so ultra busy with schoolwork and work, I've just had little time in-between for myself. BUT, summer is on the horizon... and with summer, comes a more flexible schedule where I can do some writing. 

This isn't an update just yet - as I've decided that I'm going to be reworking certain aspects of Crow's Call, as there's some things that bother me about the plot. I will be making huge edits from this point on. There's a chance that the whole beginning is rewritten and certain chapters afterwards... but the plot will remain mostly the same. 

 

<3 


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